NorthBrit Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Weather Warning. Mothers in Sunderland are advised to wear two pairs of pyjamas when taking their children to school. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Weather Warning. Mothers in Sunderland are advised to wear two pairs of pyjamas when taking their children to school. and wear a scarf over their curlers. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 The Real Meaning of WordsBling - the sound a Chinese telephone makes.Gumbo - an elephant with no teeth.Lambretta - a sheep with a machine gun.Jetski - a Russian aircraft.Wankel Rotary Engine - the motor in a vibrator. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Year end statistics on Airport pat-down screening from the Atlanta airport TSA office: Terrorist Plots Discovered 0 Transvestites 133 Hernias 1,485 Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172 Incontinence 6,418 Enlarged Prostates 8,249 Breast Implants 159,350 Natural Blondes 3 I think it's a hoax, there aren't that many natural blondes in Georgia! Brit15 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Storey Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Wos brown and sounds like a Beal? Any Eastender just back from the Costa Wotsit.... Here all week. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cromptonnut Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I had a leaflet through the door today offering cut-price coffins. I thought to myself "that'll be the last thing I need". Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted January 19, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 19, 2018 In conversation with an elderly lady in our church choir, I referred to some possible future liturgical development. Says she, "I'll be singing with the angels by then." "Surely not", says I - which was taken rather the wrong way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted January 19, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 19, 2018 I walked down a street today and noticed the houses were numbered 128k, 256k, 512k and 1Mb. It was Memory Lane. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I was at the cemetery today and saw four men carrying a coffin around and around and around. Four hours later I saw the four men still carrying the same coffin. I think they must have lost the plot. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted January 20, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 20, 2018 GROAN! 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arthur Posted January 21, 2018 Share Posted January 21, 2018 An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife ‘Notice anything different about me?’ Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope.’ Bert hitches up his pants and stomps around the room. ‘Can you see it now?’ ‘See what?’ Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time ‘Notice anything different NOW?’ Margaret looks up and says, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’ Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? ‘Nope’ she replies. ‘IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!’ Bert yells. To which Margaret replies…”Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. You shoulda bought a hat.” . 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheesysmith Posted January 21, 2018 Share Posted January 21, 2018 A married couple were planning their 25th wedding celebrations, so the wife asks "what present are you goig to get me?" "A ticket for a holiday in barbados" he relies. She thinks this is so romantic, and checkly asks him "Oh, but how would you better that for our 50TH? What would you get me then?" "The return ticket!" 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted January 21, 2018 Share Posted January 21, 2018 (edited) An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas. ................................... ........................................ ............................................... To which Margaret replies…”Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. You shoulda bought a hat.” First posted by the late DonB on 4th August, 2011. Gone, but not forgotten. Edited January 21, 2018 by bluebottle Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted January 21, 2018 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted January 21, 2018 First posted by the late DonB on 4th August, 2011. Gone, but not forgotten. Well at least it was not recent, like some recent repeats. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted January 21, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 21, 2018 Well at least it was not recent, like some recent repeats. Ping. (Oops, sorry - that was another thread....) Cheers, Mick Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted January 21, 2018 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted January 21, 2018 LOL. Touche Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted January 21, 2018 Share Posted January 21, 2018 (edited) My wife just stopped, and said “You weren’t even listening, were you?” I thought to myself, “That’s a very strange way to start a conversation......”. Edited January 21, 2018 by Titan Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted January 21, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 21, 2018 My wife just stopped and said, "Do you ever suffer from deja vu?" 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted January 21, 2018 Share Posted January 21, 2018 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted January 21, 2018 Share Posted January 21, 2018 My wife just stopped, and said “You weren’t even listening, were you?” I thought to myself, “That’s a very strange way to start a conversation......”. A repeat of 6215. Is that plagiarism? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arthur Posted January 21, 2018 Share Posted January 21, 2018 First posted by the late DonB on 4th August, 2011. Gone, but not forgotten. Strangely enough I didn’t scroll back to 2011 to check that...... . 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted January 21, 2018 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted January 21, 2018 LOL. and there were two years of jokes before that to check Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 First posted by the late DonB on 4th August, 2011. Gone, but not forgotten. Strangely enough I didn’t scroll back to 2011 to check that...... Don was a frequent and popular contributor to these forums; this was a good example of his posts, wherever he garnered the jokes from, and it was pleasant to be reminded of him. No need to do any scrolling; simply type the punchline or other key phrase - inside inverted commas - into the search box at the top of the page, click "Forum Index" in the Search section and click to go. In this case I had an answer in a couple of minutes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Taz Posted January 22, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 22, 2018 Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arseh0le is doing while you're having an 0rgasm?' She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.’ It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 A repeat of 6215. Is that plagiarism? It was a repeat of one of the other ones. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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