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The Forum Jokes Thread


Colin_McLeod
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Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

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Now I was once told that although the colonists made great use of place-names from the old country, no-where in the US will you find a place called Loughborough, as speakers of Armeican English would have to pronounce it Looga-barooga.

 

(Unfortunately disproved - I came across Loughborough as a street-name in Maryland.)

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Must also be the same American that asked his guide when shown Buckingham Palace "And what exactly is this place fella ? " to which his guide explained-

 

"Oh, it's nothing special really, just temporary shelter for the homeless until they can find somewhere better " 

 

Oh" countered the Yank "And who are all those  guys in uniforms and furry hats marching up and down  and stamping their feet ?"

 

"They" explained the  guide "Are the homeless trying to keep warm in DHSS cold weather clothing "

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How about that Aussie that wanted to visit his ancestral home in Norfolk and ended up in Virginia... ;)

Or the Italian couple who booked a holiday to Sydney through a travel agency and ended up on Cape Breton Island in Nova Scotia:

 

http://www.cbc.ca/beta/news/canada/nova-scotia/italian-tourists-end-up-in-wrong-sydney-1.975605

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Now I was once told that although the colonists made great use of place-names from the old country, no-where in the US will you find a place called Loughborough, as speakers of Armeican English would have to pronounce it Looga-barooga.

 

(Unfortunately disproved - I came across Loughborough as a street-name in Maryland.)

Mispronouncing names from the UK doesn't stop people from using them. Two streets away from us is Elgin Street - pronounced "Eljin".

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Or the Italian couple who booked a holiday to Sydney through a travel agency and ended up on Cape Breton Island in Nova Scotia:

 

http://www.cbc.ca/beta/news/canada/nova-scotia/italian-tourists-end-up-in-wrong-sydney-1.975605

 

I once met someone on a long distance train in the US - his company had put him on a flight to an airport with the right name but in the wrong state. Then the airport closed due to snow. Fortunately he'd arrived on one of the three days of the week that the train passed through.

 

(It wasn't much snow, but this was far enough South that they were about as good at dealing with it as we are in the UK, and for the same reason).

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Now I was once told that although the colonists made great use of place-names from the old country, no-where in the US will you find a place called Loughborough, as speakers of Armeican English would have to pronounce it Looga-barooga.

 

(Unfortunately disproved - I came across Loughborough as a street-name in Maryland.)

As an aside, I find it so fascinating that so many place names here in the states are those of UK.  Yes, the reason makes sense, but I still think it is so cool.  Because of that, I obtain PO wagons that are from places I grew up near - Monmouth, Marlboro, Shrewsbury etc. or near where I live now - Newport, Exeter (amazing that the town herald of Exeter RI is nearly identical to the Exeter in Devon), Warwick, Worcester etc.  Yeah, the result is that I end up with a collection of wagons that make no logical sense, but they do make me smile quite a lot which is, after all, the goal.  :)

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My wife just stopped, and said “You weren’t even listening, were you?”

 

I thought to myself, “That’s the third time she's started this conversation......”.

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Or the Italian couple who booked a holiday to Sydney through a travel agency and ended up on Cape Breton Island in Nova Scotia:

 

http://www.cbc.ca/beta/news/canada/nova-scotia/italian-tourists-end-up-in-wrong-sydney-1.975605

 

Or when I had not been working long at Stratford (East London) on an infrastructure project, wearing my yellow vest, an American couple came up to me and asked how to get to Cambridge Heath. I knew Cambridge pretty well, and knew of Heath Road there, so I sent them to Liverpool Street for a train to Cambridge. Apparently they came back several hours later, looking for me....... (For those not familiar, Cambridge Heath is a station just a few miles from Stratford. I had never heard of it).

 

Allegedly, many Americans have ended up wandering Heath Road apparently, previously having asked for directions to what they thought was an airport.

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My wife just stopped, and said “You weren’t even listening, were you?”
 

I thought to myself, “That’s strange, I haven't got a wife!"

 

Al

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Or when I had not been working long at Stratford (East London) on an infrastructure project, wearing my yellow vest, an American couple came up to me and asked how to get to Cambridge Heath. I knew Cambridge pretty well, and knew of Heath Road there, so I sent them to Liverpool Street for a train to Cambridge. Apparently they came back several hours later, looking for me....... (For those not familiar, Cambridge Heath is a station just a few miles from Stratford. I had never heard of it).

 

Allegedly, many Americans have ended up wandering Heath Road apparently, previously having asked for directions to what they thought was an airport.

 

And then there's Abbey Road station on the DLR...

 

https://www.london-walking-tours.co.uk/secret-london/abbey-road-station.htm

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INDIAN CURRY RHAPSODY

Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna crap it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry
Seen nothing yet just see the loo tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Rectum aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh
This doopiaza is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
...guitar solo...
I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely
Very very spicy
Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again (There he goes)
Coming back again (up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor me.. poor me...poor meee!
...guitar solo...
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, But now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.
...guitar solo...slow bit...
Korma, sag or bhuna
bhaji, balti or naan
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....
Anyway, the wind blows....shshshsh

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And then there's Abbey Road station on the DLR...

 

https://www.london-walking-tours.co.uk/secret-london/abbey-road-station.htm

 

Which is of course the real Abbey Road, the abbey in question being Stratford Langthorne Abbey, one of the richest monastic settlement in the country who, at one time controlled the supply of bread to most of London. 

At one time my daughter lived about 1/2 a mile south of the Beatles crossing and at this time SWMBO drove a Beetle. Every time she approached the crossing she would be stopped by tourists, mostly Japanese who wanted a photograph of  a Beetle at the Beatles crossing.

As for place names I still regard the place you pass through if you walk from Abbey Road to Bow as Bromley. Pandering to the primitive folk south of the river. :no: 

Bernard

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The CIA needed a new assassin. They opened a position for that kind of an agent. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to three possible agents. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the conditions.”


CIA agent talked: “Inside the room you will find your wife sitting on a chair… We need you to kill her.” Candidate man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”


CIA agent replied, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”


The second candidate man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”


The agent said, “You don’t know what you are missing. Take your wife and go home.”


Finally, the last candidate man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his forehead. “Some imbecile loaded the gun with blanks” he said. “I had to strangle that bitch to death.”


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Just been reading the new items list from Bachmann. Got me thinking its time to build a wildlife train for my layout. Consist to include,

parrot, mermaid, sea urchin, salmon, sheep, baa, toad and a tea tank to quench everyone’s thirst.

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Just been reading the new items list from Bachmann. Got me thinking its time to build a wildlife train for my layout. Consist to include,

parrot, mermaid, sea urchin, salmon, sheep, baa, toad and a tea tank to quench everyone’s thirst.

 

You could go for quite a rake here,

just to include the GWR ones ('cos it's what I know!)

in alphabetical order:-

Beaver, Beetle, Bloater, Crocodile, Fish, Gadfly, Macaw,

Mayfly, Mink, Mite, Ox, Python, Serpent & Tadpole.

Not forgetting Turbot as well!

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