RMweb Gold RFS Posted December 21, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 21, 2017 You could have copied it from here http://www.rmweb.co.uk/community/index.php?/topic/741-the-forum-jokes-thread/page-244?p=2934786&do=findComment&comment=2934786 Only 4 pages back. Well I checked back a few pages to see it if had been posted before, but sadly didn't go back far enough .... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted December 21, 2017 Share Posted December 21, 2017 What's brown and sticky? A stick 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted December 21, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 21, 2017 What's brown and sticky? A stick GROAN BUTTON REQUIRED NOW 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold chriswright03 Posted December 21, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 21, 2017 Well I checked back a few pages to see it if had been posted before, but sadly didn't go back far enough .... I just knew I had seen it recently as opposed to having seen it several times over the years along with many of the others. It happens quite a lot but then as I read all of them I am sad enough to know when I have seen them before. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Joseph_Pestell Posted December 21, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 21, 2017 As Theresa May thinks about how to replace Damian Green, may I remind her of Margaret Thatcher's advice? "Every Prime Minister needs a Willie". Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted December 21, 2017 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted December 21, 2017 (edited) What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint. Edited December 21, 2017 by Colin_McLeod 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted December 21, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 21, 2017 What's green and smells of pork? I'm not going to give the answer as it's far too rude for a forum such as this, but it does involve two of the lead characters in The Muppets....................... Cheers, Mick Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted December 21, 2017 Share Posted December 21, 2017 A man and woman were out shopping at the local supermarket. The man picks up a case of 24 Carlsberg priced £9.00. He begins to put it in the trolley. “Put that back,” says the wife. A few aisles further the woman sees some face cream priced £18.00 and puts it in the trolley. “What are you doing?” asks the man “It makes me look young and sexy when we are in bed,” replies the woman. “So does 24 cans of Carlsberg and that’s half the price.” Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted December 21, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 21, 2017 What's green and smells of pork? I'm not going to give the answer as it's far too rude for a forum such as this, but it does involve two of the lead characters in The Muppets....................... Cheers, Mick At least you didn't describe them as the lead parts. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted December 21, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 21, 2017 What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint. GROAN BUTTON REQUIRED NOW I second that! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted December 21, 2017 Share Posted December 21, 2017 What's brown and sticky? ..... What's blue and smells like red paint? .... What's green and smells of pork? .... For goodness sake!!! Will you guys PLEASE give back to Allan Downes his book of antique jokes!!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted December 21, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 21, 2017 For goodness sake!!! Will you guys PLEASE give back to Allan Downes his book of antique jokes!!! Surely the time is now for bad jokes found in C*******s crackers? Cheers, Mick Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted December 21, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 21, 2017 Surely the time is now for bad jokes found in C*******s crackers? Cheers, Mick We've had quite a few of those already. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted December 21, 2017 Share Posted December 21, 2017 Surely the time is now for bad jokes found in C*******s crackers? Cheers, Mick We've had quite a few of those already.More than enough!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted December 21, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 21, 2017 A donkey has eaten our Christmas tree. It's a pine in the ass. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
allan downes Posted December 21, 2017 Share Posted December 21, 2017 For goodness sake!!! Will you guys PLEASE give back to Allan Downes his book of antique jokes!!! I'll have you know Sir that Christies has offered me vast sums of money for a single copy signed by me and here's why. ........Well, I'll think of something... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted December 21, 2017 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted December 21, 2017 It's Allan the way you tell them! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted December 21, 2017 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted December 21, 2017 Free bungee jumps. No strings attached. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted December 21, 2017 Share Posted December 21, 2017 The Pope had just finished a tour and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the driver if he could drive for a while. Well, the driver didn’t have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limousine, and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto the highway and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 100 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue-red lights of the Traffic Police in his mirror. He pulls over, and the police officer comes to his window. The officer, seeing who it was, says, “Just a moment please, I need to call in.” The policeman calls in and asks for the chief inspector. He tells the chief that he’s got a really important person pulled over, and is not sure how to handle it. “It’s not Tom Jones again is it"? replies the chief. “No Sir!” responded the policeman, “This guy is more important.” “Is it Simon Cowell?” replied the chief. “No! Even more important!” replies the officer. “Is it Theresa May?" replied the chief. “No! Even more important!” replies the police officer. “Well.Who the hell is this guy?” Screams the chief. “I don’t know Sir” replies the police officer.“But he’s got the Pope as his chauffeur.” 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Bernard Lamb Posted December 21, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 21, 2017 What do you give to a man who has everything? Antibiotics. I just bought an old television for £1. The only thing wrong with it is that it has a broken volume control. At that price I couldn't turn it down. Benard 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium BR60103 Posted December 22, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 22, 2017 (edited) It's winter in CanadaAnd the gentle breezes blow Seventy miles an hour At thirty-five below. Oh, how I love Canada When the snow's up to your butt You take a breath of winter And your nose gets frozen shut. Yes, the weather here is wonderful So I guess I'll hang around I could never leave Canada 'Cos I'm frozen to the ground! Edited December 22, 2017 by Andy Y Hyperlinked image removed - pop-up Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Joseph_Pestell Posted December 22, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 22, 2017 The Pope had just finished a tour and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the driver if he could drive for a while. Well, the driver didn’t have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limousine, and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto the highway and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 100 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue-red lights of the Traffic Police in his mirror. He pulls over, and the police officer comes to his window. The officer, seeing who it was, says, “Just a moment please, I need to call in.” The policeman calls in and asks for the chief inspector. He tells the chief that he’s got a really important person pulled over, and is not sure how to handle it. “It’s not Tom Jones again is it"? replies the chief. “No Sir!” responded the policeman, “This guy is more important.” “Is it Simon Cowell?” replied the chief. “No! Even more important!” replies the officer. “Is it Theresa May?" replied the chief. “No! Even more important!” replies the police officer. “Well.Who the hell is this guy?” Screams the chief. “I don’t know Sir” replies the police officer.“But he’s got the Pope as his chauffeur.” That reminds me of the occasion when a policeman friend pulled over a speeding Range Rover in Hyde Park. The driver referred him to the lady in the back wearing a headscarf. I suppose we can't expect her to wear a crown all the time. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Stubby47 Posted December 22, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 22, 2017 Reminds me of tale of the cops chasing a car down the M4. Blue lights, sirens, flashing headlights, nothing would stop the car. Eventually, the driver turned out to be HRH The Princess Royal. When asked why she didn't stop, her reply was "I assumed it was a police escort". Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
allan downes Posted December 22, 2017 Share Posted December 22, 2017 (edited) This one's for F-Unitmad. It's the war years and Joe's enlisted into the army. As he's walking across the parade ground his Sargent Major screams out " Oi, you, soldier. Come 'ere you 'orrible little man !!" Then on confronting Joe he stands back in surprise "Blimey, it's you Joe, are you still in the rackets and, if so, I could do with a load of black market fags ?" "Sure" said Joe. "But it'll cost yer and since I'm in this bloody army, against my will, I wanna be a Sargent Major too " "Deal" said the SM "I'll fix it straight away" Next thing, Joe's shipped out to fight in the dessert under Monty who, on seeing him can't believe his luck and confronts SM Joe with " You can't get hold of any Gin as I'm right down to my last gallon ?" "Sure" said Joe " I'll have it here tomorrow in return for being made a General " "Consider it done" said Monty. So,a few weeks later, Churchill comes out to inspect the troops then can't believe his luck when he recognizes Joe "Good grief" Churchill stammers out "It's you of all people Joe and just when I'm on my last box of cigars. Can you get me any more?!" "No prob" says Joe "But I want a knighthood in return" So, another few weeks later, Churchill has arranged everything and he and Joe are walking down the long red carpet in Buck house towards the seated King and Queen when the Queen leans over to the King and whispers. "Who's that guy with Joe ?" Edited December 22, 2017 by allan downes Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted December 22, 2017 Share Posted December 22, 2017 One more sleep before men go Christmas shopping. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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