The Forum Jokes Thread

[DonB]

True Story.... from the "Good Old Days" I was there!

 

In my first job with number of other apprentices, we congregated at lunch time in a corner of the canteen. 

With cigarette in his lips, in answer to a question about planned holidays, Pete said, "Can't afford holiday this year we've only just got married"...

 

"if you gave up smoking, you could afford a few days away, How much do you spend on Fags?"

 

A quick total up, multiplied by the number of weeks to the next works holiday, .."There, if you gave up, that would pay for a holiday!"

 

Silence for a moment, a Fag packet was opened, Pete said "only got enough fags for one at tea break, and one after our evening meal.... That's it, i'm not buying any more!"

 

Next day in the canteen someone noticed that Pete was not smoking... "How's the abstinence going then"?

Pete, looking smug, said "Oh, all right, smoked one at tea break, didn't buy any fags on the way home, smoked one after evening meal, read the paper, listened to the radio, then the 9 o'clock news came on, and I realised that I had nothing between my fingers, so I went for a pee." 

 

Took him a long while to live that down!

[RJS1977]

Now I'm reminded of the story of a guy who walked into a pub, on his own and asked the barman for three pints of beer.

 

"Are they just for you?" the barman asked. "If so, it would be better for me to bring the second one over after you've drunk the first, and the third after you've drunk the second. Otherwise they'll go flat."

 

"No, it's all right," said the customer. "My two brothers and I all used to meet up in the same pub every evening and we'd take turns to buy a round. Recently we all moved to different places to find work. So we promised each other that whenever we went into a pub and bought a pint, we would buy one for each of the other two brothers and sip them in turn."

 

"That's a nice idea," the barman said, pulling the three pints.

 

Every night the customer came in, bought three pints and sipped from them in turn until they were all empty. All the regulars became used to his tradition.

 

One evening, several years later, the customer walked into the pub and ordered two pints. The pub fell silent.

 

After a pause, the barman asked "Is everything all right?"

 

"How do you mean?"

 

"Has one of your brothers died?"

 

The customer smiled. "No, it's nothing like that," he said. "I've quit drinking."

[APOLLO]

An Irish doctor wanted to get off work and go golfing, so he approached his young assistant.

 

“Seamus, I am going golfing tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

 

“Yes, sir!” answers Seamus.

 

The doctor went golfing and returned the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?”

 

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” asked the doctor.

 

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir.” said Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asked the doctor.

 

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered.

Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything and lied down on the table and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“Good Lord, Seamus, what did you do?!” asked the doctor.

 

“I put drops in her eyes.”

 

Brit15

[Sidecar Racer]

I went to my local curry house the other day and asked to speak to the chef.

 

"What can I do for you he asked?"

 

"Do you do special request dishes?"

 

"Yes, what would you like?"

 

"I'd like a chicken tarka please?"

 

"A chicken tarka? What's that?"

 

"Like a tikka, but 'otter!"

[Giz Puk]

I've just seen my wifes' entry to the cake box challenge.

When I asked what it was she said  'three used tea bags hanging off a bit of chord'

I asked 'why aren't there any trains?' and she replied ...... ' cos theres leaves on the line silly!!!!!!'  

[Giz Puk]

I told my wife that I  was entering a 'Cake Box challenge'

She immediately started laughing and said....

' don't bother......... I've seen your cooking attempts before!!' 

Yours aye,

giz

[NorthBrit]

I've just seen my wifes' entry to the cake box challenge.

When I asked what it was she said  'three used tea bags hanging off a bit of chord'

I asked 'why aren't there any trains?' and she replied ...... ' cos theres leaves on the line silly!!!!!!'  

 

 

She should have used loose tea.  Tea bags are the wrong sort of leaves.

[BoD]

I've noticed that three things happen as you get older.

Firstly, your memory goes.

[kevinlms]

Subject: Police Dog:

 

 

 

 

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
 

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
 

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

 

His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
 

The plane took off and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

 

He told Sniffer to 'search'.
 

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

 

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
 

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said,

'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

 

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
 

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

 

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

 

The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

 

'I like it!' said his seat mate.
 

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

 

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent.

He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the seat.

 

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour.

He couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
 

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

[bluebottle]

[peanuts]

There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

 

OH, come on... Take a guess !!!

 

Think about it !!!

 

You're going to love this !!!

 

 

Everyone knows..

 

You can't kill Two Birds

 

With

OneStone !!

[peanuts]

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gaul's and return victorious".

The crowd is up on their feet, "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

In the background, Brutus turns to his mate and says "Caesar doesn't half talk some sh_it eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag".

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd is up on their feet again, "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullsh_it. I'm off to France to check this out".

So Brutus sets off for France. Three weeks later he comes back to Rome, just as Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again. Caesar is giving his usual patter to the assembled throng, "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those bästards out!"

The crowd is up on their feet, "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus jumps up and shouts "CAESAR!, you are exposed as a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!".

The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum, and then across at Brutus and says......................

 

Brutus, you are forgetting one thing............ Away Gauls count double in Europe".

[luckymucklebackit]

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gaul's and return victorious".

The crowd is up on their feet, "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

In the background, Brutus turns to his mate and says "Caesar doesn't half talk some sh_it eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag".

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd is up on their feet again, "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullsh_it. I'm off to France to check this out".

So Brutus sets off for France. Three weeks later he comes back to Rome, just as Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again. Caesar is giving his usual patter to the assembled throng, "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those bästards out!"

The crowd is up on their feet, "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus jumps up and shouts "CAESAR!, you are exposed as a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!".

The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum, and then across at Brutus and says......................

 

Brutus, you are forgetting one thing............ Away Gauls count double in Europe".

 

 "Infamy, Infamy, they've all got it in for me",

[Sidecar Racer]

[Sidecar Racer]

[APOLLO]

Have you noticed how many Formula 1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?

 

Stirling Moss.

Lewis Hamilton.

Eddie Irvine.

Ayr Town Centre.

 

Brit15

[luckymucklebackit]

 

Have you noticed how many Formula 1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?

 

Stirling Moss.

Lewis Hamilton.

Eddie Irvine.

Ayr Town Centre.

 

Brit15

 

 

And just like Ayrton Senna, Ayr Town Centre was once wonderful, but now is cold and dead. (Hamilton and Irvine aren't much better though)

Edited November 16, 2017 by luckymucklebackit

[peanuts]

Two kids are playing football in a park in Manchester, when one of the kids is suddenly attacked by a huge rottweiler, luckily the other kid finds a plank of wood and shoves it in the dogs collar and twists it and breaks the dogs neck!

A man also in the park witnesses this and says to the kid, "That was amazing! I'm a journalist for the Manchester Evening news, I would like to write an article about what just happened."

He starts writing a headline, "United fan saves friend from dog", the kid says, "I'm not a United fan."

He starts again, "City fan saves friend from dog." The Kid says, "I'm not a City fan."

The journalist asks, "Who do you support then?" The kid answers, "Liverpool."

The journalists starts again, "Scouse bastard murders family pet in cold blood!"

[peanuts]

Be Careful!!!
Warming:
If youse gets a link called "Free Porn" don´t opin it ?!!"#$%
It is a birus wich deactivats yur Spellcheck and garblis up yur riting.
I alsu receibed its, but lukily I don't does porn so I didnt opin its.
Warn al1 yor vriends!!.

[peanuts]

 man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess. 
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. 
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. 
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says:

'What the do you want?'

'Ah ha!' he says

"Ryanair".

[Giz Puk]

My mates new neighbour is a spanish fireman, he said he knows this because he has two sons.... hose A and hose B.

Yours aye,

Giz

[Giz Puk]

Steve Strange from 80's cult band Visage has just brought out a new range of black denim jeans.

trouble is when you wash them they 'Fade to grey'.

Yours aye,

Giz

[Giz Puk]

Coming home the other night I saw granddad sat outside the pub at closing time crying his eyes out bless him.

I said 'Granddad why are you crying..... you've just married that 28 yr old blonde nymphomaniac, with a body to die for and who is probably at home on the bed waiting for you to come home and give her a good seeing to'.

 

And Granddad said..... 'I can't remember where I live'.   

Yours Aye,

Giz

[F-UnitMad]

Coming home the other night I saw granddad sat outside the pub at closing time crying his eyes out bless him.

I said 'Granddad why are you crying..... you've just married that 28 yr old blonde nymphomaniac, with a body to die for and who is probably at home on the bed waiting for you to come home and give her a good seeing to'.

 

And Granddad said..... 'I can't remember where I live'.   

Yours Aye,

Giz

That one was done as a TV advert a few years back. I can't remember what Product it was advertising, though!!

 

Damn! - maybe I'm heading that way already??!!

[Giz Puk]

I think it was Benny Hill or even possibly  Kenny Everett, in which case i'm sure it was done 'In the best possible taste'.

Comedy was so much simpler in those days of one liners and double entendres.

As Frankie Howerd would say 'oh no missus'.

Must go now as just thought of 'the Two ronnies sketch... Four Candles or is it Fork Handles'

Yours Aye,

Giz