The Forum Jokes Thread

[Intercity125]

I was in court the other day.  I had been driving my car a few days earlier when I accidentally ran into the back of another at a junction.  The young lady immediately got out of her car, and not looking best pleased said "ram me up the rear end why don't you".  And that, your honour, is where the confusion began............. :-)

[raymw]

.

[F-UnitMad]

True story:- Recently my lad was with me in the car, & he was going through the radio stations trying to find music to his taste.

The tuner must have stopped at ClassicFM or suchlike, as piano music came from the speakers.

I said offhand, that 'someone was having a tinkle on the piano'.

That, as they say, is where the confusion started....

 

My lad collapsed in hysterics.

[RJS1977]

True story:- Recently my lad was with me in the car, & he was going through the radio stations trying to find music to his taste.

The tuner must have stopped at ClassicFM or suchlike, as piano music came from the speakers.

I said offhand, that 'someone was having a tinkle on the piano'.

That, as they say, is where the confusion started....

 

My lad collapsed in hysterics.

 

Something very similar happened at work a while back. I had drafted a letter and emailed it to my boss for approval. He looked at it and said:

 

"It's not quite right, but I'll have a tinkle with it. TinkER, not tinkLE!"

[andytrains]

True story:- Recently my lad was with me in the car, & he was going through the radio stations trying to find music to his taste.

The tuner must have stopped at ClassicFM or suchlike, as piano music came from the speakers.

I said offhand, that 'someone was having a tinkle on the piano'.

That, as they say, is where the confusion started....

 

My lad collapsed in hysterics.

Can't see anything wrong with p!ssing on a piano.

[Tiffy]

 

 

 I occasionally used to listen to ATC (which somehow I could pick up on a regular, not airband, radio). It was...interesting...hearing how short the time between getting permission to land and the plane hitting the runway could be.

 

 

You don't need specialist equipment, or even a radio - whilst living in the Outer Hebrides, we would pick up the landing Hercules aircraft on the baby alarm - which was quite scary for my baby daughter.

[jcm@gwr]

I'm reading a couple of books at the moment.

 

The first is about the history of sponges,

as a subject, it's very absorbing.

 

The second is all about anti-gravity, I just can't put it down!

[Ian J.]

I read a book on artificial gravy gravity. It was very thick and a bit heavy going.

Edited September 29, 2017 by Ian J.

[APOLLO]

 

Brit15

[BG John]

 

Brit15

He must have been pretty quick to have run all the way from his film camera, after setting the timer and pressing the shutter, to get in a relaxed pose like that! Something I've failed to do a few times .

[cheesysmith]

My wife is upset. She has just had some underware stolen from the washing line.

 

It's not the fact her knickers have gone, it's just she wants the 12 pegs back.

[DonB]

Many years ago, long before emails when the post office still had a Telegram service, I was at the Wedding of a school friend who had become a RAF fighter pilot.

As usual the Best Man read out the cardsand letters of congratulations to the happy couple, leaving to last the following, (Telegrams were always in Upper case text)

 

"FROM WING COMMANDER xxx

BEST WISHES FOR THE SORTIE TODAY

REPORT LONGITUDE LATITUDE ALTITUDE AND ATTITUDE AT 2400HRS  

Edited September 30, 2017 by DonB

[kevinlms]

Time to laugh!!! Or smile anyway.  

WOMEN'S REVENGE 

'Cash, checque or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. 

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, 

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

 

 

WIFE VS. HUSBAND 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. 

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. 

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws'

WORDS 

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. 

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... 

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION 

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be 

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. 

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; 

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! !

WHO DOES WHAT 

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. 

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. 

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and 

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' 

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' 

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' 

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. 

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight. 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 

'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.   He left it where he knew she would find it. 

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. 

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' 

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

[peanuts]

why does the norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of its ships ?

 

so when they return to port they can..... scandanavyin

[kevinlms]

why does the norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of its ships ?

 

so when they return to port they can..... scandanavyin

[luckymucklebackit]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,


'You Sign! You sign!'


Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.


The next day he hears a knock at the door again.


When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.


He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


'You sign! You sign!'


Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:


'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.


The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.


On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,


'You sign! You sign!'


Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'


The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

 

 

 

 

 

Wait for it

 

 

 

 

 

  'You not Nissan Main Deala?'           Hit groan button now

[Tiffy]

A plane is flying form Japan to the US of A, carrying parts for Japanese cars, particularly gearbox components, when it explodes in mid-air, showering the countryside with its cargo.

 

A while later, a farmer walks into his farm-house looking the worse for wear - covered in cuts and bruises, and his wife says to him, "Whatever caused that?

 

He responds - "It's the damn weather - it seems to be raining Datsun Cogs!"

 

Altogether - GGGRROOOAAANNN!

[Two_sugars]

 

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

 

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

 

'You Sign! You sign!'

 

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

 

 

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,

 

 

'You Sign! You sign!'

 

 

Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

 

 

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

 

 

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

 

 

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

 

 

'You sign! You sign!'

 

 

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

 

 

'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

 

 

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

 

 

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

 

 

'You sign! You sign!'

 

 

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

 

 

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:

 

 

'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'

 

 

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

 

 

 

 

 

Wait for it

 

 

 

 

 

  'You not Nissan Main Deala?'           Hit groan button now

 

 

Why man!  . . There was no need for that!

 

 

John

[davefromacrossthepond]

A plane is flying form Japan to the US of A, carrying parts for Japanese cars, particularly gearbox components, when it explodes in mid-air, showering the countryside with its cargo.

 

A while later, a farmer walks into his farm-house looking the worse for wear - covered in cuts and bruises, and his wife says to him, "Whatever caused that?

 

He responds - "It's the damn weather - it seems to be raining Datsun Cogs!"

 

Altogether - GGGRROOOAAANNN!

 

I really wanted to "hit the groan button" on this one, but was too busy giggling. 

[Welchester]

A plane is flying form Japan to the US of A, carrying parts for Japanese cars, particularly gearbox components, when it explodes in mid-air, showering the countryside with its cargo.

 

A while later, a farmer walks into his farm-house looking the worse for wear - covered in cuts and bruises, and his wife says to him, "Whatever caused that?

 

He responds - "It's the damn weather - it seems to be raining Datsun Cogs!"

 

Altogether - GGGRROOOAAANNN!

 

I groaned when my German teacher told it forty years ago.

[F-UnitMad]

A plane is flying form Japan to the US of A, carrying parts for Japanese cars, particularly gearbox components, when it explodes in mid-air, showering the countryside with its cargo.A while later, a farmer walks into his farm-house looking the worse for wear - covered in cuts and bruises, and his wife says to him, "Whatever caused that?He responds - "It's the damn weather - it seems to be raining Datsun Cogs!"Altogether - GGGRROOOAAANNN!

I groaned when my German teacher told it forty years ago.

It has to be an old joke, as people under a certain age will probably never even have heard of Datsun.

[BoD]

It has to be an old joke, as people under a certain age will probably never even have heard of Datsun.

 

And I suspect some may never have heard of the term 'raining cats and dogs'.

 

How do you know it's raining cats and dogs?

I've just stepped in a poodle.

[RJS1977]

It has to be an old joke, as people under a certain age will probably never even have heard of Datsun.

 

I was quite excited(?) when I heard Nissan were bringing back the Datsun name as i thought it meant I could tell one of my favourite jokes again. Sadly they only brought the name back in Asia and not in Europe.

 

BTW - What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis!

[NorthBrit]

Not really a joke,  BUT   ----

 

I see England are 25 to 1 to win the World Cup.

 

 

For those who do not understand betting    -----    

 

If you put £10 on England to win the World Cup      -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

------------------------------------

--------------------------------------

 

 

 

You LOSE £10

[peanuts]

The teacher is asking the kids how they live at home:
Little Peter says: I live with my mum, she is a prostitute and we have so much money that we can buy whatever we want. 
Little Jack says: My dad is a policeman and he has that much money that if I pinch 50 quid from his wallet he doesn't even notice it. 
The teacher asks little John: And how is your life at home? 
Well, my dad is a lorry driver. We could have lots of money if there wouldn't be any police and prostitutes...