The Forum Jokes Thread

[andytrains]

 A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her

Stammerers Action group, an Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman.

She had tried every technique in the book  without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild

and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.

 

So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

That's no use, Trevor, said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out, "London ".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living

up to her promise.

After 30 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath

and Paddy said, "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

[Liam]

I was in a shopping centre when a shoplifter rushed by with several packets of chocolate digestives, being pursued by a security guard who cornered him.

 

"Of all the things I've seen," the security guard said, "this takes the biscuit!"

[Wacol]

 

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

 

For several minutes they sat silently.

 

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

 

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... Perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

 

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

 

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

 

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

 

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed.

 

And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

 

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.

Then he blushed.

 

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

 

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

 

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

 

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

 

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

 

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

[sir douglas]

Corstorphine, a scottish hormone

[Ian J.]

What do Jedi take for an upset stomach?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Bicarbonate of Yoda!

 

 

 

 

I thank you! Here all week.

[Two_sugars]

Why man, Howay!!!!!!! . . .There's nee need for that.!!!!

 

 

 

John

[shortliner]

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for £500, if not cured, get back £1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get £1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!

You've got your taste back. That will be £500.

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be £500."

Dr. Young (after having lost £1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your £1000 back." (giving him a £10 note)
Dr. Young: "But this is only £10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be £500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

ENJOY YOUR DAY !!

P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers.

[cromptonnut]

I sometimes play chess with my eastern european friend. He's my Czech Mate.

[peanuts]

A young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

"Do you have any sales experience?" asked the manager. "The famous Barras mate?", nodded the young man. The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job. The young Scot's first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was settling in.

"So... how many sales did you make today?", he smiled at the boy. "just the wan". The manager was immediately disappointed. "What? Just one? Harrods' sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! Dear me! Oh well, how much was the sale for?

"£101,237.64" said the lad. The Harrods manager choked. "Blimey... One hundred and one thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty four pence! What in hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then ah selt him a new fishing rod. Then ah asked him where he was gaun' fishing, and he said doon the coast, so ah telt him he would need a boat. We went doon tae the boat department and ah selt him that twin-engined power Cat... then he said he didn't think his wee Honda Civic could pull it, so ah took him down to car sales and ah selt him a 4x4 Suzuki......." The manager was now incredulous. "Wait a minute. You mean to tell me a man came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a boat AND a four-by-four ... " "Naw naw, big man... he came in tae buy a box of tampons fur 'is missus and ah said.........

"Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's humped, ye might as well go fishing..."'

[bluebottle]

Meanwhile, in Edinburgh -

 

Ken Cheng has won this year’s "Dave’s Funniest Joke of the Fringe" award with his one-liner on the UK’s redesigned currency: “I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.” '

 

After that, I don't think that we should be too quick to demand a "GROAN!' button on this forum ...

Edited August 22, 2017 by bluebottle

[pH]

Cartoon in our local paper today - captioned "Board game for doctors". Two people in white coats sitting at a board game. The title on the game box is "Scribble".

[RJS1977]

 

I sometimes play chess with my eastern european friend. He's my Czech Mate.

 

 

I like to play chess with old men in the park, but it's very difficult to find 32 of them....

[peanuts]

I've just taken all the German names out of my friends list...

 

.. I've gone Hans free

[Liam]

I've just taken all the German names out of my friends list...

.. I've gone Hans free

I'm guessing you were the winner of the 2014 Edinburgh Fringe with that joke?

[NorthBrit]

I need to re-house a Long-Haired Terrier.  Lively and barks a lot.   

 

If Interested let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

[graeme3300]

What starts with ‘F’?

 

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious pupils.

 

The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'
 
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!'
 
Ms.Brooks had finally had enough.  She took Harry to the Principal's office.
 
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the Principal. He told Ms. Brooks that he would give the boy a test.  If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.
 
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.
 
Principal:  'What is 3 x 3?'
 
Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
 
Harry: '36.'
 
.... and so it went with every question the Principal thought a bright third grader should know.
 
The Principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said,  'Now, after all that, I reckon Harry can go to the third grade'.

However, Ms. Brooks was still skeptical of the little devil and said to the Principal, 'Not so fast; let me ask him a few questions'.
 
The Principal and Harry both agreed.
 
Ms. Brooks asked, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
 
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
 
The Principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets', to the Principal's great relief.....

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

By now, the principal was sitting forward with his mouth hanging open...
 
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
 
Now the Principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum'.
 
Ms.  Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
 
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
 
The Principal was now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asked the last question......

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'
 
Harry: 'Firetruck'.

The principal breathed a huge sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put the little bleeder in fifth-grade.   I got the last seven questions wrong myself!"

[NorthBrit]

I write this from my hospital bed.----

 

 

Last week my wife and I went to the Country Fayre.

 

We were looking at the bulls in their enclosures.

 

The first bull had a card posted on its pen.  It said  "This bull mated fifty times last year."

 

The wife nudged me in the ribs and said, "That's once a week. I could learn a lot from this bull."

 

 

 

The next bull had a card written on its pen.  It said, "This bull mated one hundred and fifty times last year."

 

The wife nudged me harder in the ribs and said,  "That's more than twice a week.  I could learn a lot from this bull."

 

 

The next bull had a card on its pen.  It said,  "This bull mated three hundred and sixty five times last year."

 

The wife nudged me even harder in the ribs and said,  "That's once a day.  I could learn a lot from this bull."

 

 

I said,  "Ask it if it was to the same old cow each time?"

 

-

-

-

-

I am now out of intensive care and should make a full recovery.

[Jamiel]

I hope this hasn't been posted before, from Facebook, and probably Twitter.

[CUTLER2579]

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.
"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.
"Who is credited with writing the phrase, To be or not to be, that is the question?" asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare".
"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off."
"No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard." said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
"Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!"
"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"
"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.
"Okay," said the teacher. Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom,
"F***ing Immigrants!"
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday!!.. 

[allan downes]

 The Fleet Commander on deck of a  US battleship during night maneuvers off the Newfoundland coast sends out a signal to what he thinks is a search light ship  on a collision course with his own.

 

"This is the Fleet Commander of a US battleship on night maneuvers If you don't alter your course immediately. I will take extreme measures to protect my fleet. You have been warned"

 

The signal came back informing the Fleet Commander that "This is the Newfoundland  light house. Your call "

[allan downes]

In another school not far from CUTLER'S, a teacher turning to her class of 5 year old's  announces that "From now on, we are all going to speak like adults. Therefore a railway engine will no longer be called a choo-choo train or a puff-puff for example so, I want you to all write similar examples in your exercise books "  

 

After ten minutes she inspected what the children had written where young Johnny, smartest little brat in the class, had written " Winnie the shxt "

Edited August 28, 2017 by allan downes

[NorthBrit]

They say a man' s best friend is a dog.

 

I know how you can prove it.

 

Lock your wife and your dog in the boot of your car.

 

After five hours open the boot and see who is pleased to see you?

[allan downes]

An american tourist stops just as a farm labourer tosses his horse and plough over the hedge.

 

"Jeeeze fella " he exclaimed " Where did ya get strength like that !"

 

"Eh" replied the farmer "Now't to do with strength matie. Oi' ploughed the wrong field "

[Reorte]

Stealing kitchen equipment - don't take the whisk.

[Dagworth]

Stealing kitchen equipment - don't take the whisk.

Always do a whisk assessment first...

 

Andi