The Forum Jokes Thread

[BoD]

At one time we had Empires ruled by emperors.

Then we had kingdoms ruled by kings.

Now we just have countries.

[peanuts]

Two Aussie builders (Keith & Ken) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Ken: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Keith: - No way - he's a stockbroker..

Ken: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Ken and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Ken: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Ken: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Ken: - Err.... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Ken: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.

Ken - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?

Ken: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Ken: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with
your wife on a regular basis?

Ken:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not very often?

Ken: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Ken: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Ken: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Ken returns to his mate.

Keith: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Ken - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Keith: - What's that then?

Ken: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Keith: - Nope.

Ken: - Well then, you're a w#*@#$r

[BG John]

At one time we had Empires ruled by emperors.

Then we had kingdoms ruled by kings.

Now we just have countries.

Ruled by counts presumably .

[BoD]

Ruled by counts presumably .

First time I've heard them pronounced that way.

[bluebottle]

First time I've heard them pronounced that way.

 

As the actress didn't say to the Prince...

[PhilJ W]

Breaking news from Washington DC. Revolving doors are going to be installed in the West Wing of the White House.

[Enterprisingwestern]

First time I've heard them pronounced that way.

 

Like the chap in Sheffield who went into a fancy dress shop and said he wanted to dress like a count for halloween.

The shop assistant misheard him and directed him to the Sheffield Wednesday club shop.

 

Mike.

 

Edited to remove superfluous words

Edited August 1, 2017 by Enterprisingwestern

[RJS1977]

Not sure, but that joke sounds a bit familiar...

 

It reminds me of the story Brian Johnston used to tell of the time Princess Margaret visited a military hospital. As she was being led round, a soldier started writhing in agony on the bed. Princess Margaret walked over and asked him what was up.

 

"I've got a terrible boil on my bum, ma'am," he replied.

"Oh, how awful;" said Princess Margaret. "I hope it's better soon," and walked off.

 

When she'd gone, the Matron gave the soldier a telling off "You mustn't say things like that in front of Royalty. If you find yourself in that situation again, say you've twisted your ankle or something."

 

A couple of weeks later the Queen Mother visited the same hospital, and as she toured the ward, the same soldier was writhing in agony. She walked over and asked him whet was up.

 

The soldier remembered what Matron had said to him, so he replied, "I've twisted my ankle ma'am."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," replied the Queen Mother. "But is the boil on your bum better now?"

[NorthBrit]

Our cat was a tough old xxxxxx. He'd take on all comers. No other cat would come anywhere near him. So much so, he would travel miles for a good scrap. He finally came to a gruesome end when he met a CAT on the A74.

[luckymucklebackit]

Groan buttons at the ready!!

 

Woman walks into the doctors surgery.  The Doc asks what wrong and she replies - "I have Hermes", the doctor says "Don't you mean Herpes", she replies - "No I'm a carrier"

 

Jim

[shortliner]

GOTTA WEE

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
they had got over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
wee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that.

When the girls had finished their tasks, they went home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties on!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that read.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.'"

[Steve K]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

 

I'm confused - you've clearly copied and pasted this from another website, but there weren't any websites in 1972, and that was about the last time humour like that was vaguely amusing...

[Jinty3f]

I'm confused - you've clearly copied and pasted this from another website, but there weren't any websites in 1972, and that was about the last time humour like that was vaguely amusing...

Well, it got 13 likes, so some of us must have found it vaguely amusing.........

[newbryford]

I'm confused - you've clearly copied and pasted this from another website, but there weren't any websites in 1972, and that was about the last time humour like that was vaguely amusing...

 

Can't be as far back as 1972 - the Clio wasn't released until 1990....................

 

[graeme3300]

Fish Supper

 

As part of community service, some Christian institutions were trying to relieve the plight of the homeless during a cold and wet winter.

A monastery had opened its doors and was giving needy people free dinners on a dreary, rainy Friday night.

 

One old bloke entered the monastery dining room and had fish and chips for dinner. He rated it as the best he'd ever tasted.

"I'd like to thank the chefs who prepared this wonderful meal," he said to the Brother in charge of the dining room.

"By all means. Come through to the kitchen."

 

The old fellow was introduced to the chefs, Brother Michael and Brother Francis.

 

"I'm very pleased to meet you and wanted to say thanks for such a great meal. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

 

"Well," said Brother Michael. "I'm the fish friar,

and Brother Francis here is the chip monk!"

[RJS1977]

Reminds me of a Dominican monk and a Jesuit monk who were travelling together and stopped off at an inn for a meal.

 

As it was Friday, both monks ordered fish, which duly arrived.

 

There was only one problem - one of the portions of fish was much bigger than the other. The Dominican kept the large portion for himself and gave the small one to the Jesuit.

 

"Is that how Dominicans do things?" asked the Jesuit. "I've been trained in Holy Poverty. If I had had first choice, I would have given you the large portion and taken the small one for myself."

 

"That's what you've got," said the Dominican. "What are you complaining about?"

[Steve K]

Can't be as far back as 1972 - the Clio wasn't released until 1990....................

 

 

Ah - good point, well made (unlike the "joke")!

[Colin_McLeod]

I'm confused - you've clearly copied and pasted this from another website, but there weren't any websites in 1972, and that was about the last time humour like that was vaguely amusing...

So good a joke that you repeated publication of same for the benefit of those who missed it.

 

.

Edited August 5, 2017 by Colin_McLeod

[BoD]

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv". But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . .. this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah.

"Yep, fish. . .well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

'"Check".

With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"

Check".

And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check".

Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.

Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

 

 

[Sasquatch]

Elmar was out hunting deep in the woods one day when a 10 foot grizzly came out of the bush. Elmar opened up with his shot gun peppering the bear in his ass.

 

Griz didn't take too kindly to this and pushed Elmar to the ground and gave him a good rogering in his rear for revenges sake.

 

The following day Elmar went back up the mountain with his semi automatic.

 

When the bear appeared he emptied the magazine into the wild beast who rolled him over and gave him a good rogering in his rear. As pay back. Elmar ran off crying.

 

On the third day Elmar took off into the woods with his MG42 from WWII.

 

On finding the grizzly Elmar pumped a few rounds into the bear again. Who did the same as before.

 

Elmar said "Whats with you S.O.a B." I guess ya don't give up easy"

 

To which the bear replied "I guess you don't just come up here for the hunting".

 

_{Edit:  Redneck humor, overheard in the local store.} 

Edited August 5, 2017 by Sasquatch

[peanuts]

What's the difference between a tramp and an MP?

One sits about on a bench all day, usually falling asleep, enjoys long liquid lunches and contributes nothing to society.

The other's a tramp.

[kevinlms]

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to
the hospital.

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.

"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm."

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over!  Please Doc, what's the
good news?"

"The good news is... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a
woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with
the transplant."

"Go for it Doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf
course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved,
I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting

landscapes in watercolors."

"That’s unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the
transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two”, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking,
and every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.”

[BoD]

I think the Mr Universe competition must be fixed.

I mean, it is always won by someone from earth.

Edited August 8, 2017 by BoD

[Two_sugars]

Now, come on BoD . . .are you sure Hartlepool is on this planet?

 

 

John

 

 

 

 

 

write out 100 times . . . . . I must read before posting.

Edited August 8, 2017 by Two_sugars

[Steve K]

So good a joke that you repeated publication of same for the benefit of those who missed it.

 

.

 

I know, schoolboy error, giving the worst of the cut 'n' pasters the oxygen of publicity.