peanuts Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 A new employee (a blonde) is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory, and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pileup.At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legsThe Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. I’m sorry,he says to her, barely able to I keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 I made a massive curry last weekend for when the family come round to stop .. and guess what, the mardy wouldn't touch it 'cos I put ginger in it ... .. I loved that cat ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 gentleman a warning Of course you do know that your any proposed defence of "Well...you said 'Do what you want'.." is likely to fail .... That's because when SWMBO says "Do what you want", it's actually a Dare, not Permission. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted June 1, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted June 1, 2017 That's because when SWMBO says "Do what you want", it's actually a Dare, not Permission. It also depends which word the emphasis is on, you have to listen closely if you don't want more trouble than you've already got. Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted June 2, 2017 Share Posted June 2, 2017 Bought some British Basil from Asda today. When I got it home I found that it was Fawlty. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Storey Posted June 2, 2017 Share Posted June 2, 2017 Bought some British Basil from Asda today. When I got it home I found that it was Fawlty. I bought a car from Barcelona but my wife can only drive automatics. This one was Manuel. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurenceb Posted June 2, 2017 Share Posted June 2, 2017 Where's the groan button again? Seconded!!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted June 2, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted June 2, 2017 I bought a car from Barcelona but my wife can only drive automatics. This one was Manuel. As long as it had a seat. Mike. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liam Posted June 2, 2017 Share Posted June 2, 2017 Where's the groan button again? Thirded! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted June 2, 2017 Share Posted June 2, 2017 . . 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 Me (Licking lips in anticipation) - "I've never done a bungee jump before!"Instructor - "Please don't lick my lips again". steve Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liam Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 999 call handler: Emergency services, do you require fire, ambulance or police? Caller: Well definitely fire, possibly also police but I'm not quite sure. Handler: What do you mean you're not sure? Caller: I'm at the northern end of Gas Works tunnel, alongside the East Coast Main Line. There's smoke coming out of it, but also a whole lot of people with cameras. I mean, not only are they putting themselves in danger if there's a train on fire but there wanting to take photos of it as well! Handler: I see. But we've been told. . . Caller: Oh hang on, it's coming out of the tunnel. Do you want the number? Handler: I guess it would be helpful. Caller: It's, 6-0-1-0-3. Handler: Well what's the idea of this hoax? Flying Scotsmans on its inaugural run from London to York! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting “The end of the world is nigh!!” I think it was Farmer Geddon. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 Two couples decide to swap partners for the night. After a night of great sex one says to the other "I wonder how the girls are getting on." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted June 7, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 7, 2017 Found this today. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted June 9, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 9, 2017 Quipe by Australian politician. June really does mean the end of May. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Welly Posted June 9, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 9, 2017 Hung Parliament - does that mean the death penalty has been re-instated? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 Top quips doing the rounds this morning.... 1. What is the difference between a bicycle and Nick Griffin? A bicycle has a seat. 2. I'm glad to see that the voting system works. I voted for no one, and no one won. 3. Unlike a lot of people, I was hoping that the Conservative Party would get an overall majority. I reckon a Tory government would be a surefire way of getting Spitting Image back on telly. 4. To be honest I'm quite surprised the U.S Army hasn't invaded and installed a new democratic government for us. 5. Politics is a lot like cricket. You start to get excited about a match over a period of days and then the thing ends in a draw. 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 (edited) Hung Parliament - does that mean the death penalty has been re-instated? My girlfriend says I am hung - maybe that's it? Edited June 9, 2017 by Titan Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted June 9, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted June 9, 2017 Looks like we will be sending Brussels the Conservative and Unionist Negotiating Team. I hope they can come up with a suitable acronym. 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Hilux5972 Posted June 9, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 9, 2017 My girlfriend says I am hung - maybe that's it? And the tone of the thread descends to the gutter! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted June 9, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted June 9, 2017 And the tone of the thread descends to the gutter! Not that well hung, surely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 And the tone of the thread descends to the gutter! Not that well hung, surely.Ah yes, the old joke about the man granted one wish by the Genie, so he wished that his Gentleman's Sausage would touch the floor. So the Genie took the man's legs off. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted June 9, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted June 9, 2017 Ok. Who is going to be first to mention the 12" pianist? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 Ok. Who is going to be first to mention the 12" pianist? You evidently! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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