RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted May 8, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 8, 2017 I've just been charged with stealing coffee from Costa. Does anyone know a good Barista? As a Chelsea fan... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Welchester Posted May 9, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 9, 2017 Skinflint saved money by jogging behind the No10 bus. He was happy to be saving 10p a day till a friend told him he could save £2 a day by following a taxi! I know it is so old it has got wiskers! I think I found it on the back of an Englands Gory matchbox. That dates it. Was it an original Morelands box or the later Bryant & May? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurenceb Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 Was it an original Morelands box or the later Bryant & May? Morlands 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
faulcon1 Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 Here are some jokes from a BBC show which has been uploaded to YouTube know doubt illegally. The train now arriving on platforms four five and six has just exploded on platform seven. Son. Santa will be unable to give you a toy train set for Christmas. But he will be able to give you a toy replacement bus service set instead. The London Olympics. The Athletics. In lane one we have the UK. In lane two we have the USA. Lane three is closed for resurfacing. Ladies and gentlemen we shall soon be arriving at Glasgow Airport. I remind you all of the need to put your watches back by 25 years. The Australians have beaten the English at the cricket again. Hitting things and running away. It's the criminal mentality. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BG John Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 Here are some jokes from a BBC show which has been uploaded to YouTube know doubt illegally. The train now arriving on platforms four five and six has just exploded on platform seven. Son. Santa will be unable to give you a toy train set for Christmas. But he will be able to give you a toy replacement bus service set instead. The London Olympics. The Athletics. In lane one we have the UK. In lane two we have the USA. Lane three is closed for resurfacing. Ladies and gentlemen we shall soon be arriving at Glasgow Airport. I remind you all of the need to put your watches back by 25 years. The Australians have beaten the English at the cricket again. Hitting things and running away. It's the criminal mentality. I wouldn't worry about illegality. With "jokes" like that, it must have been out of copyright for a long time! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted May 10, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 10, 2017 The fact that they may have found a cure for dyslexia was music to my arse! (Sorry, it doesn't work with alternative names!). Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted May 10, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted May 10, 2017 The fact that they may have found a cure for dyslexia was music to my arse! (Sorry, it doesn't work with alternative names!). That's ko then. Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
faulcon1 Posted May 11, 2017 Share Posted May 11, 2017 (edited) Arrgh! my friend the duke. My daughter has just been itching to meet you. Chlamydia!!! Men about to go into battle. "Don't worry men you will soon be home with you families. In a jar, on the mantle piece. Dr Who. "we seem to have materialised in the 19th century. Oh no it's Glasgow 2017. On watching Queer Eye For The Straight Guy I thought it would be good to have some gay friends so that they could give me some fashion tips. But actually they just sh##g me. Edited May 11, 2017 by faulcon1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
faulcon1 Posted May 11, 2017 Share Posted May 11, 2017 My wife's just told me she's had enough of my Star Wars obsession and is ready to call it a day on our marriage. Divorce is strong in this one! Luke use the force!, I've run out of lubricant. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
faulcon1 Posted May 11, 2017 Share Posted May 11, 2017 How do you increase the speed of a Skoda? Get out and walk A new model of Skoda has been released. It has sixteen valves. Five in the tyres and the other eleven are in the radio. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted May 11, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 11, 2017 How do you increase the speed of a Skoda? Get out and walk From what I've seen on YouTube videos, in Russia, they go plenty fast enough. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted May 11, 2017 Share Posted May 11, 2017 A new model of Skoda has been released. It has sixteen valves. Five in the tyres and the other eleven are in the radio. More or less a repeat of post#5421, 2 pages back, posted 7 days ago. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cromptonnut Posted May 11, 2017 Share Posted May 11, 2017 Having seen all the news stories today claiming that the Labour election manifesto would "drag the UK back to the 1970's", they seem to have missed out one critical thing. Bringing back Tom Baker as Doctor Who. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted May 12, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 12, 2017 Subject: The Story of a Husband & WifeA woman went shopping. At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.He could not control his curiosity and asked,"Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"She replied " No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of afootball match, so I took the remote."*Moral: Accompany and support your wife in her hobbies.*The story continues....The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that lady had purchased.Shocked at this act, she asked the cashier what he was doing.He said, "your husband has blocked your credit card"*MORAL: Always respect the hobbies of your husband.*Story continues....Wife took out her husband's credit card from purse and swiped it. Unfortunately he didn't block his own card.*Moral: Don't underestimate the power and wisdom of your WIFE..*Story continues...After swiping, the machine indicated 'ENTER THE PIN SENT TO YOUR MOBILE PHONE'*Moral: When a man tends to lose, the machine is smart enough to save him!*Story continues....She smiled to herself and reached out for the mobile which rang in her purse.It was her husband's phone showing the forwarded SMS.She had taken it with the remote control so he doesn't call her during her shopping.She bought her items and returned home happily.*Moral: Don't underestimate a desperate woman!*Story continues....On getting home, his car was gone.A note was pasted on the door"Couldn't find the remote. Gone out with the boys to watch the premiership match. Will be home late.Call me on my phone if you need something".Darn... He left with the house key too.*Moral: Don't try to control your husband.*You will lose!The End.... 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RJS1977 Posted May 12, 2017 Share Posted May 12, 2017 Having seen all the news stories today claiming that the Labour election manifesto would "drag the UK back to the 1970's", they seem to have missed out one critical thing. Bringing back Tom Baker as Doctor Who. And Roger Moore as 007! :-) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted May 12, 2017 Share Posted May 12, 2017 Having seen all the news stories today claiming that the Labour election manifesto would "drag the UK back to the 1970's", they seem to have missed out one critical thing. Bringing back Tom Baker as Doctor Who. And Roger Moore as 007! :-) Bring back proper locomotives, and paint them Blue, with yellow ends!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RJS1977 Posted May 12, 2017 Share Posted May 12, 2017 Bring back proper locomotives, and paint them Blue, with yellow ends!! And Triang-Hornby, Lima and Mainline! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cromptonnut Posted May 13, 2017 Share Posted May 13, 2017 And Roger Moore as 007! :-) Ah yes, the limited edition "James Bond 007 Viagra". It doesn't help you Sean Connery but it does help you Roger Moore. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted May 13, 2017 Share Posted May 13, 2017 i see the inventor of the throat lozenge has died his family have requested there be no coffin at his funeral 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
pH Posted May 14, 2017 Share Posted May 14, 2017 A new take on an old classic - http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2017/05/14 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavidB-AU Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 Sammy the Snail was always made fun of by the other animals for being so slow. One day he was sick of this, so he decided to go to a car dealership. The dealer showed Sammy a brand new sports car, top of the line. He was assured that this was the fastest car that they had. Sammy bought the sports car, but wanted to customise it before driving it around. He brought it to the paint shop and had it painted bright red with a big yellow "S" on each door. Sammy figured that with the "S" on the car, everyone would now know that it was his car and he was the fastest animal around. When Sammy's car was out of the paint shop, he hopped into it and started to race up and down the streets where his friends lived. Sammy's friends all looked at each other in awe of this new car and said... "Wow! Did you see that S car go?" 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted May 17, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 17, 2017 I've just joined the Flat Earth Society, they have members all over the globe. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 put my mobile phone under my pillow last night woke this morning to find it replaced with a £1 coin blood bluetooth fairy ! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted May 17, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted May 17, 2017 I was in court today accused of stealing someone's case. I was acquitted after just 2 minutes. It was a brief case. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted May 17, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 17, 2017 If the Earth was truly flat , cats would have pushed everything off of the edge by now . 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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