bluebottle Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 (edited) • My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs? I was going to quote what an Irish woman of my acquaintance told me about priests and their live-in housekeepers (and they can't all be Mrs Doyles), but I'd probably get banned sine die if I did. Edited May 3, 2017 by bluebottle 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
45568 Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 Little late to this spoonerism thread, but....... What is the difference between a magicians wand and a policemans truncheon? The wand is used for cunning stunts! Cheers from Oz, Peter C. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liam Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 How do you increase the speed of a Skoda? Get out and walk Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cromptonnut Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 How do you increase the speed of a Skoda? Get out and walk Ah yes, the old Skoda jokes. What do you call a Skoda with twin exhausts? A wheelbarrow. Why do Skodas have heated rear windows? To make it less unpleasant to push on a cold day. How do you increase the value of a Skoda? Put some petrol in it. How do you jump-start a Skoda? Most mornings... 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liam Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 A man was woken one night by thieves taking the engine out of his Skoda. Luckily, the rest of the car wasn't seriously damaged. "You know what this means don't you?" He said to his mate. "We won't be able to take part in the go-kart race on Saturday! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
TT3 Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 Skoda jokes eh? Bloke goes into a dealer and says "How about a fanbelt for a skoda" bloke behind counter says "Deal, That's a fair trade" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Jamiel Posted May 4, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 4, 2017 Here's one of a fine vintage.Q. What do you call a bank manager who wears a mask?A. The Loan Arranger Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted May 4, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted May 4, 2017 (edited) I know this is American, but never mind. What's all this rubbish about "Star Wars Day"? 5/4 is Dave Brubeck Day. Edited May 4, 2017 by Budgie 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Claude_Dreyfus Posted May 4, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 4, 2017 My wife's just told me she's had enough of my Star Wars obsession and is ready to call it a day on our marriage. Divorce is strong in this one! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Ian J. Posted May 4, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 4, 2017 How do you increase the speed of a Skoda? Get out and walk We need an 'Oi!' button... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Turpin Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 My wife's just told me she's had enough of my Star Wars obsession and is ready to call it a day on our marriage. Divorce is strong in this one! How did Luke Skywalker's mum teach him to eat properly when he was a toddler? She used to tell him: 'Use the fork Luke, use the fork'. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
choo1choo Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 Didn't Luke Skywalker eat forcemeat? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 Ah yes, the old Skoda jokes. What do you call a Skoda with twin exhausts? A wheelbarrow. Why do Skodas have heated rear windows? To make it less unpleasant to push on a cold day. How do you increase the value of a Skoda? Put some petrol in it. How do you jump-start a Skoda? Most mornings... what do you call a skoda convertible ? a skip Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Turpin Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 A road labourer was working away in a hole in the road when a brand new Rolls Royce drew up alongside, stopped by traffic. He stood up in his hole and, looking at the Roller, drew a long breath of admiration and addressed the driver. 'That's a lovely car you've got there, however did you manage to afford it?' The driver. looked down his nose at the man in the hole, and announced loftily, with plenty of public school nasal twang: 'I work for Cunard you know!' Mick shook his head, and with indignation retorted, 'I work f*kkin' 'ard an' all, but I'll still never be able to afford a car like that!'' With which the guy in the Rolls drove away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 What do you call a skoda with a really long areal, A dodgem car. I once had a 16 valve Skoda - 4 in the engine and 12 in the radio Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 I've just found out I may be colour-blind. That was a shock. It came right out of the purple! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Turpin Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 I'm a modern Skoda driver, Favia, which is an amazing car, and I somehow think Skoda has had the last laugh!!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 TBH the "old" Skodas were not common in Scotland, there were however loads of Ladas at one time, dirt cheap and awful, then they all disappeared in the 1990s as enterprising Russian trawlermen bought them to be stripped for spare parts or to be sold to Russian buyers. They appreciated the export cars built to better specification than the local versions! JIm 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 Luke...I am your lather... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted May 5, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 5, 2017 TBH the "old" Skodas were not common in Scotland, there were however loads of Ladas at one time, dirt cheap and awful, then they all disappeared in the 1990s as enterprising Russian trawlermen bought them to be stripped for spare parts or to be sold to Russian buyers. They appreciated the export cars built to better specification than the local versions! JIm And once they'd been stripped the remains were pushed over the side. The bed of the North Sea must be littered with old Ladas. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Reorte Posted May 5, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 5, 2017 And once they'd been stripped the remains were pushed over the side. The bed of the North Sea must be littered with old Ladas. Enough of them to keep North Sea oil going for a bit longer? Come to think of it had probably all leaked out of them long before then. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 And once they'd been stripped the remains were pushed over the side. The bed of the North Sea must be littered with old Ladas. Even if they had done that they would have completely dissolved within weeks! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted May 5, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted May 5, 2017 Q. How do you convert a Skoda into a Lada? A. Fill it with food. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiffy Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 A road labourer was working away in a hole in the road when a brand new Rolls Royce drew up alongside, stopped by traffic. He stood up in his hole and, looking at the Roller, drew a long breath of admiration and addressed the driver. 'That's a lovely car you've got there, however did you manage to afford it?' The driver. looked down his nose at the man in the hole, and announced loftily, with plenty of public school nasal twang: 'I work for Cunard you know!' Mick shook his head, and with indignation retorted, 'I work f*kkin' 'ard an' all, but I'll still never be able to afford a car like that!'' With which the guy in the Rolls drove away. As he got ready to drive away, a golf tee fell from the car - Mick picked it up and shouted out "Oi, what's this for?" The driver replied, "It's what you rest your balls on when you drive off" Mick responded, " 'Kin'ell, Rolls Royce think of everything don't they?" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 had curried pelican at the local indian last Nite. it was delicious but the bill was huge! x Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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