The Forum Jokes Thread

[Mike Storey]

That's very unfair, and even discriminatory, on those who are not of a nervous disposition .

 

You are absolutely correct, but Ivanka said I should show my more sensitive side. I cannot be attacked by Mr Leigh again.

[luckymucklebackit]

Oh yes. For those of nervous disposition, we should not delve further.

 

Is it an Urban Myth that Pet Food companies have human tasters?  I certainly could not put most of what I feed the dog in my mouth.

[John_Hughes]

Is it an Urban Myth that Pet Food companies have human tasters?  I certainly could not put most of what I feed the dog in my mouth.

 

There was an article in, I believe, The Guardian a couple of years back in which someone talked of a school visit to one of the major cat-food suppliers, in the course of which they met one of the people responsible for purchasing their meat etc. He apparently told them that in the course of his work he visited and ordered supplies from a number of different places, and everything they bought was fit for human consumption, but had been so long in the freezers that it was being discarded at a low price.

 

He further added that he quite liked some of the foods himself, his favourite being the prawn one. He also commented that some of the places he visited, he would never order anything from - either for cats or for humans!

[jonny777]

This may have been posted before but always makes me smile.

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAWPoxA8Hug

[Colin_McLeod]

I thought that pate was part of the pet food tasting programme.

[newbryford]

Is it an Urban Myth that Pet Food companies have human tasters?  I certainly could not put most of what I feed the dog in my mouth.

 

I've installed equipment in both pet food and human food factories. Guess which one was the cleanest?

 

Cheers,

Mick

[Mike Storey]

I've installed equipment in both pet food and human food factories. Guess which one was the cleanest?

 

Cheers,

Mick

 

Are you saying you didn't clean one of them properly?  

[C&WR]

whats Enyas favorite rugby union fixture ?

 

 

sale away

 

Been saying that at London Irish for years (well, until we dropped to the Championship) but no-one laughed!

[peanuts]

Gutted that one of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.

We don't have Oleg to stand on.

[raymw]

she s sister ofthe well known stripper - Eva Vestoff

[BoD]

My word.

You wait ages for a joke and then two come along at once.

Edited April 6, 2017 by BoD

[NorthBrit]

"Sir, your wife has been hit by a truck."

"I know, but she has a great personality."

[NorthBrit]

For those of you who like horse racing  --  TODAY'S TIP

 

Dusty Carpet

 

It's never been beaten!

[ColinK]

A tip for the Grand National.

 

'Loose Button'. It's a bit of an outsider but it might just come off.

[Bernard Lamb]

I've installed equipment in both pet food and human food factories. Guess which one was the cleanest?

 

Cheers,

Mick

On a similar theme I know Vets who are allowed to work on humans but I have never encountered a Doctor who is qualified to work on animals. 

At one time I used to visit a warehouse in Trafford Park that stocked pet food and it was the cleanest state of the art storage facility that I had ever seen. 

Bernard

[Mike Storey]

On a similar theme I know Vets who are allowed to work on humans but I have never encountered a Doctor who is qualified to work on animals. 

At one time I used to visit a warehouse in Trafford Park that stocked pet food and it was the cleanest state of the art storage facility that I had ever seen. 

Bernard

 

Well obviously. All the dogs lick it clean each night.

[Sidecar Racer]

  3 girls, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

 

They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch

 

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

 

  Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number.

 

After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. 

 

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.

 

She too shares the wine.

 

 Jan explains that  after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and

married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.

 

Timothy is a partner in one of Sydney's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment

on The North Shore and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.

They have a second home in Bali.

 

 Sue relates that  she graduated from Monash University, studied to become a doctor and

became a surgeon.

 

Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in Melbourne.

 

They live in the Toorak area and have a second home in Italy.

 

 Mary explains that  after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark.

 

They run a  tropical bird park in Mississauga and grow their own vegetables.

 

Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect *****.

 

 Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband

is really a cashier at Target they live in a small apartment and have a camper trailer parked on

the front drive.

 

Sue, chastened and  encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both

nursing care assistants in an old people's home.

 

They live in Hoppers Crossing and take camping holidays on the Murray.

 

 

 

 Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[newbryford]

Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest and suddenly stops next to a large bush and asks out loud

"Is that you Mister Wolf behind that bush?"

 

Out pops the wolf and asks her how she knew he was there

 

"I saw your tail sticking out and I knew you were there".

 

Off skulks the wolf.

 

Further down the trail and Little Red Riding Hood stops next to a large boulder and calls out

"Is that you Mister Wolf, behind that large rock?"

 

Once again the wolf appears and asks how she knew.

 

"I saw your ears sticking out above the rock"

 

Off goes Mister Wolf.

 

Further on, Little Red Riding Hood stops outside a cave and calls out

 

"Is that you Mister Wolf in the cave?"

 

Yet again, the wolf appears and asks how she knew.

 

"I saw the whites of your eyes".

 

The wolf then asks "Who are you and where are you going?"

 

"I'm Little Red Riding Hood and taking these cakes to my Grandmother's house" she replies

 

"Oh good" says the wolf. "Now I know where you're going, I can find a quiet place to have a sh!t without you finding me............."

[Jamiel]

Edited April 10, 2017 by Jamiel

[peanuts]

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water
hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another
animal in all his life.

By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop.

The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will
grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish
for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put
it on.

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish
like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the
bears in the next forest were female as well."

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned
the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid
things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the
motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish
that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear
was gay..."

[Budgie]

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water

hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another

animal in all his life.

...

It seems to me there is something wrong with that joke. When I grew up I learnt that the word "besides" as used in that joke means "as well as", whereas for the joke to work, it ought to mean "except".

[Ian J.]

It seems to me there is something wrong with that joke. When I grew up I learnt that the word "besides" as used in that joke means "as well as", whereas for the joke to work, it ought to mean "except".

 

There's a kind of contradiction with the word 'besides': it can mean 'as well as', but it can also mean 'apart from'. In the joke it would have been better to use 'apart from' or 'except' for the sake of clarity.

 

https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/besides

http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/besides

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/besides

[Stubby47]

^^^ Really ?

 

You've picked on the use of the word 'besides' but completely ignored the punchline and the use of 'gay'...

[F-UnitMad]

The 'bear & rabbit' joke I heard involved the bear asking the rabbit if it found that it had trouble with droppings sticking to it's fur after defecating.

When the rabbit confirmed that it did, the bear promptly picked it up & wiped his @rse with it...

[peanuts]

I've bought a Blur alarm clock, so now , in the mornings i always wake up listening to Park Life..............

Except on Wednesdays , when I get rudely awakened by the dustmen!