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The Forum Jokes Thread

Colin_McLeod

By Colin_McLeod,
in Wheeltappers

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Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

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andytrains

andytrains

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I was standing at the bar in the pub one night, minding my own business, when this fat, ugly woman came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're cute. You got a phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you got a pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I've got a pen."

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

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NorthBrit

NorthBrit

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An elderly lady in an old Morris Minor had broken down.  The driver of a Rolls Royce stopped and offered to tow her to the garage.  With tow rope attached, the two cars made their way along the road.

 

A BMW sped past them at high speed.  The driver of the Rolls Royce was having none of that, increasing his speed at an alarming rate.  The elderly lady immediately started banging on the horn.

 

"Hey Charlie.  Look at this," said the garage mechanic to his mate.  "There's a Rolls Royce chasing after a BMW  and an old lady in an old Morris Minor hitting the horn trying to pass'em." 

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F-UnitMad

F-UnitMad

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An elderly lady in an old Morris Minor had broken down.  The driver of a Rolls Royce stopped and offered to tow her to the garage.  With tow rope attached, the two cars made their way along the road.

 

A BMW sped past them at high speed.  The driver of the Rolls Royce was having none of that, increasing his speed at an alarming rate.  The elderly lady immediately started banging on the horn.

 

"Hey Charlie.  Look at this," said the garage mechanic to his mate.  "There's a Rolls Royce chasing after a BMW  and an old lady in an old Morris Minor hitting the horn trying to pass'em."

 

In the version I heard it was the Traffic Cops they passed who said that. :rolleyes:
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APOLLO

APOLLO

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News has emerged of a bank hold-up in Dublin, carried out by a naked woman. Police are questioning all women with 'A fantastic pair of tits' or a 'Very neatly shaved pussy' since none of the witnesses could describe her face.

 

I accidentally got some hemorrhoid cream on my fruit bowl, and now my grapes have disappeared.

 

The ****ing dog ran off last night. 

I walked round the park calling his name for 20 mins & still couldn't find him, my wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head & got a tattoo. 
I still can't find the ****ing dog.., 

 

Head Lice are now resistant to all the usual Medical Treatments. 

The problem has left Scientists Scratching their Heads........ 

 

People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins. 

But take a look at me now. 

 

Brit15

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ikks

ikks

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How is it?

Jim : Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection..



Doc : Let me tell you a story..... "There was once a hunter, who always carried a gun when he went hunting. One day, he accidentally took an umbrella instead of his gun.. While walking, a lion suddenly jumped in front of him.. In order to scare the lion, the hunter uses his umbrella like a gun to shoot the lion, and the lion died..".



Jim : Nonsense..!!! Somebody must have shot the lion......



Doc : Very good, now you understand the story.....

 

Edited by ikks
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peanuts

peanuts

Posted
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GOOD OLD STAPLE THE BLONDE JOKE :-)

 

An old, Partially blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

 

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

 

The old cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

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bluebottle

bluebottle

Posted
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GOOD OLD STAPLE THE BLONDE JOKE :-)

 

An old, Partially blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'..........

 

..........'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

 

The old cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

 

Fourth sighting.

Though on its earliest appearance on this site, just over seven years back, it was a "Liverpudlian joke".

Do we have your address, wack?

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NorthBrit

NorthBrit

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Paddy hates his wife's cat so much he gets in his car and drives to the next town and dumps it.

When he gets home the cat is sitting on the porch.

 

Next day he drives twenty miles and dumps the cat.

When he gets home the cat is sitting on the porch.

 

The next day he drives to the other side of Ireland an dumps the cat again.

 

 

Six hours later he phones home and says to his wife, "Is that cat home?"

"Yes," replied his wife, "Why?"

 

 

 

"Put the ********  ******** on the phone. I'm lost."

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Jinty3f

Jinty3f

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Head over parapet.

 

My boss wanted the report on his desk and told me to expect grim repercussions if it wasn't ready. Strange, I thought they were what Death had on his sofa!

 

Did you hear about the octogenarian pirate who greeted all his friends with, "Aye, matey!"

 

Ducking down again.

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Ian J.

Ian J.

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Head over parapet.

 

My boss wanted the report on his desk and told me to expect grim repercussions if it wasn't ready. Strange, I thought they were what Death had on his sofa!

 

Did you hear about the octogenarian pirate who greeted all his friends with, "Aye, matey!"

 

Ducking down again.

 

I thought grim repercussions were what happens when Death decides to try to take up drumming again for the umpteenth time...

 

Chapeau, manteau, disparu...

Edited by Ian J.
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Pacific231G

Pacific231G

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Why do President Trump's advisors go round in threes?

 

One can read, one can write and the third one is there to keep an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals.

 

(I believe this joke was originally applied to policemen- secret or otherwise- in Soviet era Czechoslovakia but it may well be much older) 

Edited by Pacific231G
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peanuts

peanuts

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A general is inspecting sick bay, during world war two. He visits three patients:
What is your name, soldier?
Jones, Sir.
Why are you in here?
Bleeding piles, sir.
What treatment are you receiving?
Wire brush and Dettol, sir.
Ambition?
To get out of here and back to the front, Sir!

The general moves on to the next bed.
What is your name,soldier.
Smith, Sir.
Why are you in here?
Gonorrhea, sir.
What treatment are you receiving?
Wire brush and Dettol, sir.
Ambition?
To get out of here and back to the front, Sir!

The general moves on to the final bed.
What is your name, soldier?
Williams, Sir.
Why are you in here?
Infected gums, Sir.
What treatment are you receiving?
Wire brush and Dettol, Sir.
Ambition?
To get the wire brush before Smith and Jones, Sir!

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ikks

ikks

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Why We Love Children....

 

 

 

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it

was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child

innocently.

 

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know, explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it

didn't move."

 

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes

later....."Da-ad"

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad.."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later.. "Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

 

 

 

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,

finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in

and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, 'For

Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'

 

 

 

4. ONE SUMMER EVENING DURING A VIOLENT THUNDERSTORM A MOTHER WAS

TUCKING HER SON INTO BED. She was about to turn off the light when

he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me

tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't

dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big

sissy."

 

 

 

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the

children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat

down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress.

Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on

microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

 

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old

came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

 

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

 

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son

of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you

teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that

son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them

was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

 

 

 

8. ONE DAY THE FIRST GRADE TEACHER WAS READING THE STORY OF CHICKEN

LITTLE to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken

Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little

went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is

falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that

farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy

Sh*t! A talking chicken!'"

 

 

 

 

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.

Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must

say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.

Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

 

 

 

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the

boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys,

they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can

find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

  

 

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