cromptonnut Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 The guy that played Kirk in the original Star Trek series launched a range of ladies underwear. It wasn't a great success. In hindsight, "Shatner pants" probably wasn't the best name. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted March 18, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 18, 2017 Red-neck inventiveness Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I was standing at the bar in the pub one night, minding my own business, when this fat, ugly woman came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're cute. You got a phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you got a pen?" She said, "Yeah, I've got a pen." I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 An elderly lady in an old Morris Minor had broken down. The driver of a Rolls Royce stopped and offered to tow her to the garage. With tow rope attached, the two cars made their way along the road. A BMW sped past them at high speed. The driver of the Rolls Royce was having none of that, increasing his speed at an alarming rate. The elderly lady immediately started banging on the horn. "Hey Charlie. Look at this," said the garage mechanic to his mate. "There's a Rolls Royce chasing after a BMW and an old lady in an old Morris Minor hitting the horn trying to pass'em." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 doing a crossword the other night asked the wife "four letters female relative ends in UNT" "easy says she AUNT " anyone got any tippex ? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RJS1977 Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 Rather like the Two Ronnies: "Often found in the bottom of a bird cage. _ _ IT." "Grit" (Nun on other side of compartment) "Grit. Of course. Does anybody have a rubber?" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 An elderly lady in an old Morris Minor had broken down. The driver of a Rolls Royce stopped and offered to tow her to the garage. With tow rope attached, the two cars made their way along the road. A BMW sped past them at high speed. The driver of the Rolls Royce was having none of that, increasing his speed at an alarming rate. The elderly lady immediately started banging on the horn. "Hey Charlie. Look at this," said the garage mechanic to his mate. "There's a Rolls Royce chasing after a BMW and an old lady in an old Morris Minor hitting the horn trying to pass'em." In the version I heard it was the Traffic Cops they passed who said that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 News has emerged of a bank hold-up in Dublin, carried out by a naked woman. Police are questioning all women with 'A fantastic pair of tits' or a 'Very neatly shaved pussy' since none of the witnesses could describe her face. I accidentally got some hemorrhoid cream on my fruit bowl, and now my grapes have disappeared. The ****ing dog ran off last night. I walked round the park calling his name for 20 mins & still couldn't find him, my wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head & got a tattoo. I still can't find the ****ing dog.., Head Lice are now resistant to all the usual Medical Treatments. The problem has left Scientists Scratching their Heads........ People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now. Brit15 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold ikks Posted March 21, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted March 21, 2017 (edited) How is it? Jim : Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection.. Doc : Let me tell you a story..... "There was once a hunter, who always carried a gun when he went hunting. One day, he accidentally took an umbrella instead of his gun.. While walking, a lion suddenly jumped in front of him.. In order to scare the lion, the hunter uses his umbrella like a gun to shoot the lion, and the lion died..".Jim : Nonsense..!!! Somebody must have shot the lion...... Doc : Very good, now you understand the story..... Edited March 21, 2017 by ikks Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 My wife has been seriously ill in hospital for three months. The doctor has told me to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop and got her clothes back. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 GOOD OLD STAPLE THE BLONDE JOKE :-) An old, Partially blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?' The old cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.' 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 GOOD OLD STAPLE THE BLONDE JOKE :-) An old, Partially blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'.......... ..........'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?' The old cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.' Fourth sighting. Though on its earliest appearance on this site, just over seven years back, it was a "Liverpudlian joke". Do we have your address, wack? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 On the train yesterday I met a stunning young lady. It was love at first sight. The wife WAS NOT impressed? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 Paddy hates his wife's cat so much he gets in his car and drives to the next town and dumps it. When he gets home the cat is sitting on the porch. Next day he drives twenty miles and dumps the cat. When he gets home the cat is sitting on the porch. The next day he drives to the other side of Ireland an dumps the cat again. Six hours later he phones home and says to his wife, "Is that cat home?" "Yes," replied his wife, "Why?" "Put the ******** ******** on the phone. I'm lost." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinty3f Posted March 26, 2017 Share Posted March 26, 2017 Head over parapet. My boss wanted the report on his desk and told me to expect grim repercussions if it wasn't ready. Strange, I thought they were what Death had on his sofa! Did you hear about the octogenarian pirate who greeted all his friends with, "Aye, matey!" Ducking down again. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted March 26, 2017 Share Posted March 26, 2017 How much are dead batteries worth? Nothing! They are free of charge. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Ian J. Posted March 26, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 26, 2017 (edited) Head over parapet. My boss wanted the report on his desk and told me to expect grim repercussions if it wasn't ready. Strange, I thought they were what Death had on his sofa! Did you hear about the octogenarian pirate who greeted all his friends with, "Aye, matey!" Ducking down again. I thought grim repercussions were what happens when Death decides to try to take up drumming again for the umpteenth time... Chapeau, manteau, disparu... Edited March 26, 2017 by Ian J. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted March 26, 2017 Share Posted March 26, 2017 The wife said she could murder a bowl of Corn Flakes. Would that make her a Cereal Killer? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pacific231G Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 (edited) Why do President Trump's advisors go round in threes? One can read, one can write and the third one is there to keep an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals. (I believe this joke was originally applied to policemen- secret or otherwise- in Soviet era Czechoslovakia but it may well be much older) Edited March 27, 2017 by Pacific231G Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 Donald Trump is President of the USA Michael Pence is Vice President of the USA I bet Walt Disney never thought Micky and Donald would be running the country. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 A general is inspecting sick bay, during world war two. He visits three patients:What is your name, soldier?Jones, Sir.Why are you in here?Bleeding piles, sir.What treatment are you receiving?Wire brush and Dettol, sir.Ambition?To get out of here and back to the front, Sir! The general moves on to the next bed.What is your name,soldier.Smith, Sir.Why are you in here?Gonorrhea, sir.What treatment are you receiving?Wire brush and Dettol, sir.Ambition?To get out of here and back to the front, Sir! The general moves on to the final bed.What is your name, soldier?Williams, Sir.Why are you in here?Infected gums, Sir.What treatment are you receiving?Wire brush and Dettol, Sir.Ambition?To get the wire brush before Smith and Jones, Sir! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 "Hey Charlie. How come you can afford a Rolls Royce?" asked Jimmy "I work for Cunard," replied Charlie. "I work f********* hard, but I can't afford a Rolls," Jimmy said glumly. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold ikks Posted March 28, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted March 28, 2017 Why We Love Children.... 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know, explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad" "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad.." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later.. "Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!' 4. ONE SUMMER EVENING DURING A VIOLENT THUNDERSTORM A MOTHER WAS TUCKING HER SON INTO BED. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?" 7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four. 8. ONE DAY THE FIRST GRADE TEACHER WAS READING THE STORY OF CHICKEN LITTLE to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'" 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." 10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 Apparently the new one pound coin has been designed so you can get a spanner on it to get it out of a yorkshireman's hand !!!!!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted March 29, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted March 29, 2017 Apparently the new one pound coin has been designed so you can get a spanner on it to get it out of a yorkshireman's hand !!!!!! Yawn. Substitute thrupenny bit, 50 pence piece, depending on your age! Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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