The Forum Jokes Thread

[APOLLO]

 

Brit15

[PhilJ W]

We need a "Funnier" button.

Correction, we need a BIGGER GROAN button.

[Dick Turpin]

A "Groan" button would be very useful for clicking whenever someone mentions:

 

But the track gauge is 2mm too narrow anyway

There's nothing there for me

My wallet

 

 

To name but a few.

[Budgie]

Somebody threw a bottle of omega-3 pills at me.

 

Luckily my injuries were only super-fish-oil.

[raymw]

A friend of mine recently started stealing cars. He's just stolen an AA van, we think he's heading for a breakdown.

[Dick Turpin]

I have always liked jokes that appear to lead you where you think you know they are headed, then somehow spring a surprise whacky ending. Here’s one I remember from about 1985. There was a certain politically incorrect bit somewhere but I have warned the characters to avoid mentioning anything about it.  So, hope it has stood the test of time. Good luck.

 

 

 

 

The local press had gathered around manhole cover 439 in the town to witness the honouring of Martin Richards, who had spent the last 50 years in dedicated service to the townspeople by his lifelong service not only in maintaining and servicing the towns sewage system, but through the fact that he had always thoroughly enjoyed his job, but now was about to retire. During his long and distinguished career, he had amassed such a vast specialist knowledge of the operation of this particular system that he had been able to advise on and supervise in its growth, maintenance and development many times over the years. The Mayor gave thanks, the band played many tunes, and local politicians made speeches to the local TV cameras. Many photographs were taken by the press, champagne glasses raised, emptied and refilled, and a good time was had by all.

 

At long last the crowds were beginning to thin, and the local journalist who had been taking notes as well as eating sandwiches and swilling some of the champagne, began to talk to Martin on a more casual level now that the pressure was beginning to end.

 

‘You must have got really bored stuck down there all day?’

‘Not a bit of it.’

‘What with nothing but all that stink and shite all day?’

‘You’d be surprised how you get used to it, and with the sort of things you start to notice.'

‘Like what?'

 

 And while no-one was taking any notice of who was doing what anymore, Martin beckoned the journalist to follow him.

‘Put those on,’ he said, and he indicated that the journalist put on some waders and a hard hat. Once he had done so, Martin beckoned him to follow, and he lifted the man-hole cover,and the two of them descended down the ladder into the whiffy subterranean world that the town had flushed away.  At the bottom of the ladder, Martin waited for the journalist to become adjusted to the light before continuing.

 

‘See that lot,’ began Martin, pointing to the river of effluent flowing past them, ‘that’s the main sewer, everything from the town comes past here.'

‘Oh.’

‘Oh indeed, but you get to notice a lot of unusual sort of things.'

‘Like?'

‘Like that, look. There, see that turd floating towards us. Wait until it gets close. Yes, now, look, look close and you’ll see tiny flecks of gold on it. That means it belongs to Reuben the goldsmith.'

 

The journalist looked incredulous.

‘That’s amazing’, he said, ‘I’d never have spotted that.'

‘And this next one,' continued Martin. ‘Take a close look and you’ll see quite a lot of vegetation, green bits like from fresh cabbage and stuff. Well that’s because it came from Fred the greengrocer. I tell you it’s amazing what you begin to notice.'

 

‘And this next one,’ Martin observed, ‘will have be ignored by us, I’m afraid, because of the advent of political correctness, and we’ll have to just not mention it.'

‘political correctness?' asked the journalist.

‘Aye, as you say, political correctness,’ Martin continued, ‘In the original joke, I explain to you what’s distinctive about it, and we discuss it, but now I’d better not because otherwise this post will be deleted and its poster, this Dick Turpin character, banned from the forum no doubt.’

‘I don’t know what you mean?’

‘Never mind, it’s gone now, we didn’t describe what’s distinctive about it, or why, so I think we’ve all got away with it.’

‘OK fine.’

‘Yes, as you say, so we’d better get on with the joke now.’

‘I wish you would. Do you want to carry on now?’

Martin cleared his thought. ‘Oh, he said’, and looked at his watch before continuing. ‘You see this one coming now?’

The journalist strained his eyes and peered upstream.

‘You see this one coming now?’ Martin said again.

The journalist looked doubtful, but nodded anyway.

‘Well that one,' he said pointing, and leaned right out as though trying to retrieve it, 'belongs to my missus.’

‘How can you tell?'

‘Because it’s got my sandwiches tied to it!'

 

Edited February 20, 2017 by Dick Turpin

[£1.38]

A blonde called the RSPCA. She said that she had just found a suitcase in the woods, with a fox and some cubs inside.

"That's shocking," the RSPCA man responded. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," said the blonde, "But that might explain the suitcase"

[APOLLO]

A Wigan couple go to the Costa Brava for a holiday, but on arrival, the wife says "I won't be able to make gravy with your dinner, love - I've forgotten the Bisto" The husband says, "Don't worry, there's an English couple staying in the next apartment, I'll see if they have any" So he knocks on the door of the next apartment, and says to the man" 'Allo, hast any Bisto" To which the man replies " off, you Spanish prat!"" 

 

Brit15

 

[APOLLO]

Re Dick Turpins sewer joke, not quite as daft as it reads.

 

Quite a few years ago, working on the Gas mains around Wigan, if we had any questions at all about sewers we sought out old Frank at the council sewer dept. (Before North West Water etc). He knew every sewer, manhole, depth, direction of flow, you name it. A really indispensable guy, not just to us but the whole community (Gas water, electric, telecom, cable TV, builders, road resurfacers, etc etc.). We had started to use large trenching machines and needed to know exact locations / depths of sewers etc. Frank was the man.

 

When he retired, not quite the same as the joke above, but then the problems began, no others had his depth of knowledge, the council sewer plans were "crap". We were sometimes quite literally all in the sh1t wen the machine dug through a main sewer !!!

 

Brit15

[Wacol]

 

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.

The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man.

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland .

 

After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

 

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

 

The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

 

The first woman then asked, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Mount Isa lady.

 

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "What on earth could they teach you??"

The Mount Isa lady responded, "Well as an example... instead of saying, "Who gives a Fxxk?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that fantastic?”

[28XX]

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge said, "First offender?"

 

She replied, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender".

[peanuts]

 I was filling up the car at the petrol station so and then went inside to get a few snacks. When I walked up I noticed two policemen watching a woman smoking a cigarette while filling up. I saw her & thought "what an idiot....with the police right there too". I went in & got my snacks. As I was paying I heard someone screaming. I looked outside & the woman's arm was on fire!!! She was swinging her arm & running around going ballistic!! I rushed outside to help & the policemen had put her on the ground & we're putting the fire out with their coffee!! Then, they put handcuffs on her & threw her in the police car. I was thinking "she shouldn't have been smoking & pumping petrol!" But being the nosey person that I am, I asked them what they were arresting her for? The policeman looked me dead in the eye & said "WAVING A FIREARM!"

[cromptonnut]

I have decided to give up using auto-correct for Lint.

[Steve K]

A friend of mine recently started stealing cars. He's just stolen an AA van, we think he's heading for a breakdown.

 

I was worried that he'd be heading for another battery joke...

[shortliner]

A young woman started work in the small English Village chemist shop.
She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.

"Look" he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms; they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large).
The word condom is never mentioned".

The first day was fine, but on the second day a large black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.

The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.

She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.

"Yes!" she shouted down the phone. "He's got one hanging there!"

The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner!"

[Budgie]

WARNING!! RMweb will be closed for maintenance from February 29 to 31!! Many people will try to login from February 29 to 31, just to find the site closed down for those days with no warning. So make sure all of your friends are aware of this closure.

[sp1]

WARNING!! RMweb will be closed for maintenance from February 29 to 31!! Many people will try to login from February 29 to 31, just to find the site closed down for those days with no warning. So make sure all of your friends are aware of this closure.

Thanks for the warning but I would be going out for my friends birthday (he is 14 days older than me, and always will be! - beware the Ides of March) and was born on the 29th Feb: I think he's about 12 next year.....

Edit to add: I won't remember the 31st (hic!)......

Edited February 26, 2017 by sp1

[peanuts]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER ** ( a certain age ! )

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute,
and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato sacks.

Then try 25-kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for
more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

[peanuts]

Well today marks six weeks without drinking a drop of juice or any alcohol. six weeks without eating bread, pasta, cake or anything sweet. Sugar has been eliminated, The change in my body has been fantastic, I feel great, I have lost loads of weight and my way of thinking is very positive. No alcohol, eating extremely healthily and above all, a couple of hours of exercise daily!  I don't know whose status this is, but I was so happy for them, so I copied and pasted it!

[ikks]

Subject:

Farmer Jack

 

 

 

   

 

     

  Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time

went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy

and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over,

at a rate of three to six a week.

 

So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain,

"You've got to do something about all these people driving

so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local

police officer.

 

"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.

 

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

 

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign

that said: SCHOOL CROSSING

 

Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said,

"You've still got to do something about these drivers. The

"school crossing" sign seems to make them go even faster!"

 

So again, they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

 

That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said,

"Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

 

In order to get Farmer his back the policeman said

"Sure. Put up your own sign." ;

 

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity

got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer Jack.

"How is the problem with the speeding drivers, and did you

put up your sign?"

 

"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed."

 

The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better

go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign

might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to

slow drivers down.

 

So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house.

 

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.

 

'NUDIST COLONY'

'Slow down and watch for chicks!'

 

 

Edited March 1, 2017 by ikks

[peanuts]

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room.

 

When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?"

 

The dad answered, "Playing Cards".

 

Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"

 

The dad answered, "Your mom".

 

Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?"

 

The sister answered, "Playing Cards."

 

Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"

 

She answered, "My boyfriend."

 

A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom (naturally).

 

As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "What are you doing?"

 

Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards."

 

The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?"

 

Little Johnny answered,... "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"

[peanuts]

Only in Britain -Complaints to Councils Extracts from letters written by council tenants: 1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow. 2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off. 6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy. 11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces. 15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me. 16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it. 18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. 19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.. 20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. 21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2. 22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

Chat conversation end

 

 

 

 

 

[Jamiel]

Not too dissimilar to the au pair joke from a couple of years ago, but I always liked this version.

A little boy has been to see a musical with his family, the next day he is in the kitchen with his mother.

 

'Mummy, were the dancing girls in the show last night robots?'

 

'No Timmy, they weren't.'

 

'But Mummy, are you sure they weren't robots?'

'No, absolutely not, whatever gave you that idea?'

'I heard Daddy say to uncle Jim in the interval that he would like to screw the arse off the little blonde one on the left.'

Edited March 1, 2017 by Jamiel

[Jamiel]

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room.

 

When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?"

 

The dad answered, "Playing Cards".

 

Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"

 

The dad answered, "Your mom".

 

Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?"

 

The sister answered, "Playing Cards."

 

Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"

 

She answered, "My boyfriend."

 

A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom (naturally).

 

As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "What are you doing?"

 

Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards."

 

The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?"

 

Little Johnny answered,... "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"

 

The ever quotable Woody Allen once said 'Sex is like (the card game) bridge, you either need a good partner, or a good hand.'

[peanuts]

Heaviest Element newly discovered

 

Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron,

 

25 assistant neutrons,88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

 

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.

 

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

 

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has

 

a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years.

 

It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's

 

mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

 

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.

 

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many moron.