The Forum Jokes Thread

[Enterprisingwestern]

Could we get back on tread please, jokes about ladders aren't my stile.

 

Mike.

[chris p bacon]

Could we get back on tread please, jokes about ladders aren't my stile.

 

Mike.

You don't need a ladder to climb a stile, it's usually only a couple of steps.

[Stubby47]

You don't need a ladder to climb a stile, it's usually only a couple of steps.

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-china-38914607

[gazmanjack]

transformers, really useful engines in disguise

 

We all know that there is always the 'movie' that the toy was modelled on...

 

 

Cheers, Gary.

[RJS1977]

All this talk reminds me of the window cleaner who hated doing bungalows because it took him all day to dig the holes to put his ladders in.

[RJS1977]

You don't need a ladder to climb a stile, it's usually only a couple of steps.

 

But if you have a pig with you, you need a dog, a stick, a fire, some water, an ox, a butcher, a rope, a rat, a cat, a cow and a haystack! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcDTYmCL2f8

[raymw]

Sick Leave


I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, “What in the name of good GOD are you doing?”

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.”

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, “..And where do you think you're going?!”



.

.

.

.

.

She said, “I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark”.

[RJS1977]

But if you have a pig with you, you need a dog, a stick, a fire, some water, an ox, a butcher, a rope, a rat, a cat, a cow and a haystack! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcDTYmCL2f8

 

And if you have a flagon of beer as well, things get very complicated!

 

 

 

An old woman was sweeping her house and came across a sixpence. “What shall I do with my sixpence?” she thought. “I know, I’ll go to market and buy a pig and a flagon of beer.”

On the way home, she came to a stile. The pig refused to jump over the stile.

“Pig, Pig, jump over the stile,” the old woman said, “or I won’t get home tonight.”

But the pig refused to jump over the stile.

It was a hot day and the old woman was thirsty so she took a drink from the flagon of beer and walked back along the lane until she came to a dog.

“Dog, Dog, bite pig,” she said. “Pig won’t jump over the stile and I won’t get home tonight.”

But the dog refused to bite the pig.

The woman took another drink from the flagon of beer and walked along the lane until she came to a stick.

“Stick, stick, beat dog,” she said. “Dog won’t bite me, I won’t jump over the stile and pig won’t get home tonight.”

But the stick refused to beat the dog.

The woman took another drink from the flagon of beer and walked along the lane until she came to a fire.

“Fire, fire, burn stick,” she said.  “Stick won’t beat dog, dog won’t jump over the pig, pig won’t bite me and stile won’t get home tonight.”

But the fire refused to burn the stick.

The woman took another drink from the flagon of beer and walked along the lane until she came to some water.

“Water, water, quench fire,” she said. “Fire won’t burn stick. Stick won’t beat me. I won’t jump over the pig. Pig won’t bite stile and dog won’t get home tonight.”

But the water refused to quench the fire.

The woman took another drink from the flagon of beer and walked along the lane until she came to a cow.

“Cow, cow, drink water,” she said. “Water won’t quench fire. Fire won’t burn stile. Stile won’t bite pig. Pig won’t beat dog. Dog won’t jump over me and stick won’t get home tonight.”

But the cow refused to drink the water.

The woman took another drink from the flagon of beer and walked along the lane until she came to a butcher.

“Butcher, butcher, kill cow,” she said. “Cow won’t drink water. Water won’t drench dog. Dog won’t light fire. Fire won’t burn pig. Pig won’t bite stick. Stick won’t jump over the stile and you won’t get home tonight.”

But the butcher refused to kill the cow.

The old woman took another drink from the flagon of beer and walked along the lane till she came to a rope.

“Rope, rope, hang butcher,” she said. “Butcher won’t kill cow. Cow won’t quench fire. Fire won’t burn dog. Dog won’t bite stile. Stile won’t go under pig. Pig won’t beat stick and water won’t get home tonight.”

But the rope refused to hang the butcher.

The old woman took another drink from the flagon of beer and walked along the lane till she came to a rat.

“Rat, rat, gnaw rope,” she said. “Rope won’t hang butcher. Butcher won’t kill stick. Stick won’t beat pig. Pig won’t bite dog. Dog won’t drink water. Water won’t drench me. I won’t jump over the cow and fire won’t get home tonight.”

But the rat refused to gnaw the rope.

The woman had another drink from the flagon of beer and walked along the road till she came to a cat.

“Cat, cat, kill rat,” she said. “Rat won’t gnaw rope. Rope won’t hang pig. Pig won’t light fire. Fire won’t burn butcher. Butcher won’t drink water. Water won’t drench stile. Stile won’t beat stick. Stick won’t bite dog. Dog won’t kill cow. Cow won’t jump over the moon and moon won’t get home tonight.”

But the cat said to her. “If you will go to the cow and get me a saucer of milk, I will kill the rat.”

So the woman took another drink from the flagon of beer and went back to the cow.

“Please give me a milker of sauce,” she asked the cow.

But the cow said to her, “If you go to the haystack and bring me back a handful of hay, I will give you the milk.”

So the woman took another drink from the flagon of beer then went to the haystack and brought back a handful of hay.

As soon as the cow had eaten the hay, she gave the woman a saucer of milk.

The woman drank the saucer of milk and put the flagon of beer down in front of the cat.

As soon as the cat had drunk the flagon of beer, the cat began to bite the cow. The cow began to gnaw the stile. The stile began to burn the rope. The rope began to hang the dog. The dog began to kill the stick. The stick began to beat the rat. The rat began to gnaw the pig. The pig began to drink the water. The water began to quench the moon. The moon began to go over the haystack and the butcher carried the old woman home that night. 

[Colin_McLeod]

Brilliant! :)

[cromptonnut]

I met two Thai girls in a bar last night.  We got chatting and they asked if I'd like to go back to their hotel for some "fun".

 

"Two beautiful Thai girls, it will be just like winning the lottery" they said.

 

So off we went, back to their room, and we all stripped off.

 

They were right, it was just like winning the lottery.

 

Six matching balls.

[peanuts]

Prince Charles decided to take up Walking every day.

And on the same street corner every day he passed a Hooker standing there.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow...

"One Hundred and Fifty Pounds..!" she'd shout.

"No.. Five Pounds..!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the Hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One Hundred and Fifty Pounds..!"

He'd yell back, "Five Pounds" !

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her Husband, Charles..

As the couple neared the Hooker's corner, Prince Charles realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they neared the Hooker's corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, the Hooker yelled: "Serves you right. See what you get for Five Pounds, you tight bastard"..

[Tiffy]

I am writing this form hospital - I was a bit daft yesterday, and accidentally ate a daffodil bulb, mistaking it for an onion.

 

I have to stay in hospital for a while, but the doctor said I should be out in the spring!

[bluebottle]

And if you have a flagon of beer as well, things get very complicated!

 

 

 

An old woman was sweeping her house and came across a sixpence. “What shall I do with my sixpence?” she thought. “I know, I’ll go to market and buy a pig and a flagon of beer.”........................................

 

 

.........................As soon as the cat had drunk the flagon of beer, the cat began to bite the cow. The cow began to gnaw the stile. The stile began to burn the rope. The rope began to hang the dog. The dog began to kill the stick. The stick began to beat the rat. The rat began to gnaw the pig. The pig began to drink the water. The water began to quench the moon. The moon began to go over the haystack and the butcher carried the old woman home that night. 

 

In the words of Penny Hofstadter, "What-the-hell was all that about?"

Edited February 12, 2017 by bluebottle

[RJS1977]

It's based on the children's story of the old woman and the pig, which was read in the video clip I linked to.

 

The difference in the 'flagon of beer' story is that as she gets more drunk, her instructions get less coherent.

[Dick Turpin]

OK here's one my kids brought home from primary school:

 

Why did the baker have smelly fingers?

because he kneaded a poo!

 

Sorry.

[bluebottle]

It's based on the children's story of the old woman and the pig, which was read in the video clip I linked to.

 

The difference in the 'flagon of beer' story is that as she gets more drunk, her instructions get less coherent.

 

I see, thanks for the clarification. Despite their being about talking animals dressed in human clothes, I preferred the Rupert Bear stories, myself.

[Dick Turpin]

You don’t get jokes at work these days. It must be out of fashion.

 

This one I heard in 1985, so you gotta remember that things have moved on somewhat. If I get lynched this is the last joke I post!!!

 

 

Errrr Errr errrr.

Flashing lights – Warning Political incorrectness alert – flashing lights.

Errrr Errr errrr.

 

 

OK if you are the sort not to be offended by political incorrectness, read on.

Better brace yourselves if not:

 

This story relates to the first person ever to die of aids.

There was a man who died of aids, terribly sad, but die he did, and he went off to heaven. When he got there he found St Peter was busy sorting all the new people into groups. Ahead of our hero, were two more people. St Peter asked the first, a man, what he had died of and the man replied that he had died of a heart attack.

“Can you see that huge crowd of people over there all wearing green jackets”, St Peter told him. “I want you to go over and join them. Collect a green jacket just like theirs from the bin next to them. They are the heart attack group. Off you go”

“And what did you die of,” he asked the woman who was next.

“I died in a road traffic accident.” Replied the woman sadly.

“OK,” said St Peter. “Sorry to hear that, you can go and join the crowd wearing red jackets. Go and grab a red jacket and join the group. You can tell them all about it and share your story with them.

“Now then,” asked St Peter to our aids fatality, “What did you die of?”

“I died of aids.” Said the man.

“Oh dear,” relied St Peter. “We haven’t had anyone die of that before.” And with that St Peter was deep in thought. Suddenly, St Peter snapped his fingers and exclaimed, “I know, we’ll start another group”. So he picked up a white jacket, and told the man to put it on, then went and fetched a pot of red paint. “Turn around,” asked St Peter, and so the man did so, upon which St Peter took his brush and Painted a big red cross on the man’s back. “Now,” began St Peter, “You can go over there and stand on you own. We’ll start a whole new group.”

 

A while later, Jesus was doing the rounds and took note of how St Peter was organising the new arrivals. Then he spotted the single person in the white jacket with a red cross on his back.

“You are doing a splendid job Pete,” remarked Jesus, “Sorting everyone out as usual, but why is that guy all alone in the white coat with the red cross?”

“Oh him,” remarked Peter, “He’s our first aid man!”

Edited February 12, 2017 by Dick Turpin

[APOLLO]

[peanuts]

mate of mines addiction to curry is that bad hes started injecting curry sauce 

 

last week he over dosed and spent three days in a korma 

[Titan]

mate of mines addiction to curry is that bad hes started injecting curry sauce 

 

last week he over dosed and spent three days in a korma 

 

Then he had heart failure and the only replacement available was from poultry.

 

That's right, he had a chicken ticker...

[PhilJ W]

mate of mines addiction to curry is that bad hes started injecting curry sauce 

 

last week he over dosed and spent three days in a korma 

 

 

Then he had heart failure and the only replacement available was from poultry.

 

That's right, he had a chicken ticker...

GROAN ALARM!

[peanuts]

Dwight Yorke refused entry to the US Due to a Iranian stamp on his passport? I reckon it's more to do with spending to much time in Jordan.

[Dick Turpin]

Teenagers will get up to anything these days, a mate of mine told me last night that two young lads in Birmingham city centre got caught drinking battery acid. He told me they were arrested and detained overnight, and that the police were planning to charge them in the morning!

Edited February 17, 2017 by Dick Turpin

[Enterprisingwestern]

Teenagers will get up to anything these days, a mate of mine told me last night that two young lads in Birmingham city centre got caught drinking battery acid. He told me they were arrested and detained overnight, and that the police were planning to charge them in the morning!

 

I thought one was drinking battery acid and one was eating fireworks, the first was charged and the second let off.

 

Mike.

[F-UnitMad]

I thought one was drinking battery acid and one was eating fireworks, the first was charged and the second let off.

 

Mike.

We need a "Funnier" button.