RMweb Gold 96701 Posted January 31, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 31, 2017 I had to go to the doctors and told him, "Doctor, I feel like a mouth organ."He replied, "We had another woman in surgery with the same thing yesterday.""That would have been our Monica." I said. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
28XX Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Paddy was struggling along the road, sweating profusely, with a wardrobe on his back. "Hi Paddy!" calls his friend Sheamus, "You should ask your friend Mick to help you with dat." "Ay it's alright, Sheamus", replied Paddy, "he's inside carrying the clothes." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted January 31, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 31, 2017 For those who do not listen to the 'Today' programme on Radio 4, this is English humour at its best. Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price of between £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon. An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United) and being told:- “That will be ten quid, mate". "What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!" The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 . 10 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave47549 Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 (edited) . Edited October 4, 2021 by Dave47549 Removed pointless guff Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
sir douglas Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 transformers, really useful engines in disguise Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Storey Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 transformers, really useful engines in disguise Want one!!!! I see another sequel, but if they can't get Ringo Starr, it won't be as good. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
brossard Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 I quite liked the show when it first came out since they used proper models. More recently I believe it is all CGI which has no magic for me. John Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Coryton Posted February 2, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 2, 2017 transformers, really useful engines in disguise I want one! That's even better than Thomas the Tank Engine training chopsticks (for Korean children!) I quite liked the show when it first came out since they used proper models. More recently I believe it is all CGI which has no magic for me. I think the first series (before they ran out of books) was very well done. A novel form of animation - filming a model railway. From a commercial point of view, I think they were far better than they needed to be - a real labour of love. Haven't seen them for quite a while, but I recall the winter dockyard scene in the Flying Kipper episode was incredibly atmospheric. I would keep this on topic by adding a joke but I can't think of one. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted February 3, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 3, 2017 A new slant on Thomas. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Jamiel Posted February 3, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 3, 2017 (edited) For those who do not listen to the 'Today' programme on Radio 4, this is English humour at its best. Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price of between £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon. An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United) and being told:- “That will be ten quid, mate". "What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!" The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!" There was an old Yorkshire version of that. A old Yorkshireman was boasting in the pub 'I can remember the days when you could go down the pub get a pint, a pie a woman all for a pound.' Another in the pub mumbles under his breath 'Can't have been much meat in that pie.' Edited February 4, 2017 by Jamiel Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 Donald Trump steps out of the White House in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow. Well, he's pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and reads the security guys the riot act, while they stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!” Later that evening, the chief security officer approaches Trump and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?” Trump says “Give me the bad news first.” The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.” Trump says “Oh my, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice-president! Damn. ...well, what’s the really bad news?” The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.” 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted February 5, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 5, 2017 (edited) Chinese Takeaway. £14 Petrol to collect Takeaway. £2 Some pillock left out one of the containers. Riceless. I'm having another go at posting this joke elsewhere, here in Melbourne & no one seems to get it. Yes we do have the same ads on TV. Must be the way I'm telling it! Edited February 5, 2017 by kevinlms Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wacol Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty brunette in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model." The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman sheepishly. Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price.... See you later, Dad, Happy Father's Day." 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?" The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she's threatening to jump out the window." The desk clerk calmly says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter." The man replies, "Listen you idiot, the window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter!" 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted February 6, 2017 Share Posted February 6, 2017 A bloke goes into a Welsh pub and asks for a gin and tonic.All the pub falls silent, then the landlord says "Where are you from boyo, you sound English"?"Er, I'm from Bristol actually" he replies nervously."Bristol you say, and what do you do in Bristol, look you"? says the Landlord"I'm a Taxidermist" says the man"Taxi.... what"? says the Landlord, "is that something to do with transport boyo?The man says "No I stuff and mount animals"The landlord shouts "It's OK lads, he's one of us"!.. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted February 7, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 7, 2017 The Mexican government have decided to get their own back on Trump. They are going to build a ladder. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
pH Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 The Mexican government have decided to get their own back on Trump. They are going to build a ladder. 25 foot wall? Instant market for 26 foot ladders! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AireValley1962 Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 25 foot wall? Instant market for 26 foot ladders! Actually, according the laws of health and safety geometry the ladder would have to be around 30 feet - or else the bottom wouldn't be far enough away from the foot of the wall, and you would fall backward before you reached the top. Sorry - couldn't resist! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
pH Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 Actually, according the laws of health and safety geometry the ladder would have to be around 30 feet - or else the bottom wouldn't be far enough away from the foot of the wall, and you would fall backward before you reached the top. Sorry - couldn't resist! Well, not necessarily. I had allowed for the fact that the ladder did not have to reach to the top of the wall to enable you to climb over the wall, so the foot could be set back from the base of the wall. Also, I assumed that the ladder would be used in an area where the ground sloped upwards on the southern side, bracing the foot of the ladder, and adding a little more to its effective height. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted February 9, 2017 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted February 9, 2017 No you didn't. :) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AireValley1962 Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Well, not necessarily. I had allowed for the fact that the ladder did not have to reach to the top of the wall to enable you to climb over the wall, so the foot could be set back from the base of the wall. Also, I assumed that the ladder would be used in an area where the ground sloped upwards on the southern side, bracing the foot of the ladder, and adding a little more to its effective height. Clever - clever indeed. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
N15class Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 But if the ground sloped away you need to very tall to hop over the last bit. Unless you were Fred and stood it up vertically and used an old bit string and a half hitch to hold it all in place. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Stubby47 Posted February 10, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 10, 2017 We are of course assuming that the wall will not collapse when the ladder is leant against it... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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