The Forum Jokes Thread

[Enterprisingwestern]

I swallowed Tippex last night instead of Viagra.

Woke up with a stiff correction.

 

Mike.

[peanuts]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are they
for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Feckin Hell", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything !

[peanuts]

Please will you all pray for my mother-in-law

Shes been taken to hospital as a bee landed on her face

Luckily she wasn't stung, I was too quick with the spade...!!!

:-p

[EHertsGER]

Down at the mission sat a dejected soul. Concerned for his well-being the kindly young lady volunteering that night thought she would try to cheer him up. Upon enquiring as to the cause of his sadness, he replied;

 

'I haven't had sex since 1955.'

 

Aghast, the young lady took pity on the man, and, most unlike her, whispered details of her proposed assignation to him quietly and unobserved by the rest of the mission.

 

The man, though appreciative, looked at her slightly taken aback.

 

'That's very kind of you, my dear, but I'm not as fit as I once was, you know. It's only 2100 hrs now...'  

[peanuts]

NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:
Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Compliance of these guidelines is advised in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit.

[Ian Smeeton]

NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.

While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

Compliance of these guidelines is advised in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit.

 

SCROOGE!!/GRINCH (Delete as applicable for apropriate generation)

 

Regards

&Merry Xmas

 

Ian

[RJS1977]

[peanuts]

was at the butchers yesterday got offered eight legs of venison for £40 

 

 is that two dear ?

[Enterprisingwestern]

was at the butchers yesterday got offered eight legs of venison for £40 

 

 is that two dear ?

 

I've got a blind one, so I've no eye deer.

 

Mike.

[peanuts]

I've got a blind one, so I've no eye deer.

 

Mike.

give you a couple of bucs for it ?

[Enterprisingwestern]

I've got a blind one, so I've no eye deer.

 

Mike.

 

It's just died, so I've still no eye dear.

 

Mike.

[Ian J.]

was at the butchers yesterday got offered eight legs of venison for £40

 

is that two dear ?

Doe! (think Homer Simpson)

Edited December 10, 2016 by Ian J.

[Enterprisingwestern]

Doe! (think Homer Simpson)

 

Ray! Think Julie Andrews.

 

Mike.

[RJS1977]

Me! Think RJS1977 :-)

[Arthur]

 

Marriage guidance.

 

 

 

A husband and wife go for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

 

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

 

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

 

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

 

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze, happy and contented.

 

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you commit to that?"

 

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

[Clearwater]

was at the butchers yesterday got offered eight legs of venison for £40 

 

 is that two dear ?

At £40 for eight legs, it sounds as though you've posted in the wrong thread. Should be in the "Bargain Thread!"

[28XX]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are sitting in the parlour at 221b Baker Street. Holmes is doing The Times crossword.

"Here, Watson, you're a medic, what do you think 14 down 'as of, or pertaining to the digestive tract', second letter L, is?"

"Alimentary, my dear Holmes." replies Watson.

"Gad! Of course!" A little while later, Holmes throws the paper down in disgust and starts pacing around the room. "I've got 'em all, Watson, except the last. 'A saffron-hued narrow way between buildings' 1-5-5. The man's a devil and no mistake!" Watson ponders a while before responding.

"A lemon entry, my dear Holmes".

[Jon Fitness]

My Missus said to me today, "Will you please stop singing along to Live For Ever by Oasis!?"...

 

I said, "maybeeee!"

 

 

JF

 

 

sorted.

[28XX]

How can you spot a blind man at a nudist colony? It's not hard.

[bluebottle]

was at the butchers yesterday got offered eight legs of venison for £40 

 

 is that two dear ?

 

Yes and no, and don't call me dear.

[Budgie]

Something to cheer everyone up who needs cheering up.

 

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.

“What’s up Dave?” asked the bartender. “It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”

“It’s my four year old son,” the man replied.

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically.

“I only wish it was that,” continued the customer, “but it’s far worse than that. The little nasty man has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”

“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender

“It’s not,” said the man. “The little beggar stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

[C&WR]

Yep. That's right up there with "what's brown and sticky?"...

 

 

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

 

DUNG!

[peanuts]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall.
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.
She was quite impressed by his sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after a while, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one.
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[Allegheny1600]

A chap goes into a pub and orders a beer for which the barman asks “£2.50 please”. the chap drinks his beer and counts out twenty five 10 pence pieces and as he leaves, throws them behind the bar, the barman is rather displeased.

The next day, the same chap comes back for another beer. The barman serves him the beer on the counter, which he drinks and starts counting out another twenty five 10 pence pieces. As he leaves, he then throws them behind the bar again and the barman is now furious.

On the third day, the same customer returns and asks for a beer to which the barman says “First the money, here on the counter” so the customer places a crisp £5 note on the bar, gets his beer and drinks.

The barman counts out 25 ten pence pieces from the till and says to the customer “Here’s your change” and throws the money into the pub.

The customer pushes his empty glass towards the barman and says “Thanks but I’ll have another, I’ve already paid”.

[Allegheny1600]

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I would like to be castrated."

“What!?! Are you sure?”

“Of course! There really is nothing left to discuss”

“Well then, sign here”

After surgery, the doctor comes to visit and asks: “You know, I never even asked why you wanted the operation?”

“Well, I’ve recently met a nice girl from Israel and you know among the Jewish people are these customs, . . . “

“You mean circumcision?”

“Yes, that means, . er how did I say it before, . . ?”