28XX Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the chemists, walked up to the pharmacist; looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her handbag and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 A young lad just knocked on the door and said "Trick or Treat?" I said "What have you come as?" He said "A werewolf." I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in normal clothes" He said "Well it ain't a full moon yet is it, ?" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 As per the late, great Terry Wogan, the standard reply to "Trick or Treat?" should be a bright "Oh thank you! I'll have a Treat, please!!" Gets them every time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndrewC Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 (edited) deleted. oops wrong thread. my bad. Insufficient caffeine. <insert lame excuse here> Edited November 1, 2016 by AndrewC Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Tim Dubya Posted November 4, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 4, 2016 Arguing with my wife is like reading a software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click "I agree". 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugd1022 Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted November 7, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 7, 2016 How do you milk sheep? Introduce a new I-phone. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold teaky Posted November 7, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted November 7, 2016 How do you cook sheep? Introduce a new Samsung Galaxy. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted November 7, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 7, 2016 Why do they hold the US Presidential election in November? Because it is the best time for choosing a turkey! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold ikks Posted November 7, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted November 7, 2016 No Nativity scene in Canberra this year ...... The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the nation's Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Parliament .. The search for a Virgin continues.... However, there was no problem finding enough donkeys to fill the stable. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
28XX Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 Mornin' all x The Definition of "Coincidence" A chicken farmer from Suffolk went to the local bar ...He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne." "What a coincidence" - said the farmer, who added: "It is a special day for me .... I am celebrating..." "It is a special day for me too ... I am also celebrating!" - said the woman. "What a coincidence" - said the farmer. While they toasted, the farmer asked: "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynaecologist told me that I was pregnant!" "What a coincidence!" - said the farmer - "I am a chicken farmer and for years, all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilised eggs." "This is awesome!" - said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" "I used a different cock" - he said. The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence..." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wacol Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 Irish Sawmill Accident Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising". Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising". And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead." Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in." "No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated”. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 Did you hear about the guy who killed an Irishman with a little China ornament? He was arrested for a knick-knack paddy whack Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
graeme3300 Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 A man died and went to Heaven and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, where he noticed a huge wall completely covered with clocks. "What are the clocks for?" he asked. "They are 'lie clocks'", replied St. Peter. "Everyone has a lie clock. When you tell a lie, the hands move." "Whose clock is that?" asked the man, pointing to one. "That's Mother Teresa's clock. The hands have never moved, which means she never told a lie," St. Peter said. "And that one?", asked the man, pointing to another. "That's Abraham Lincoln's - the hands only moved twice, so he only told two lies in his life." The man asked, "Where's Donald Trump's clock?" St. Peter replied, "We're using that as a ceiling fan." 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 Feel sorry for Americans having to choose between them two. I've not trusted a Clinton since they charged me £4.50 for a birthday card, and I've not trusted a Trump since that curry last weekend!... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted November 8, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted November 8, 2016 I wonder how many American bridge players will be looking to make grand slams in no trumps today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted November 9, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 9, 2016 WINTER FUEL ALLOWANCE Make the most of it until the Govt. decides to take it away ! About this time of the year, older taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment? A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen of it Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition flat screen TV set, thus stimulating the economy Q. But isn't buying a TV set stimulating the economy of China? A. Shut up Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely: * If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland & Luxemburg *If you spend it on Amazon your money will go to Lichtenstein *If you spend it on ebay your money will go to Ireland * If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China * If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco * If you give it to Oxfam 20% only will go abroad and 80% will remain in the hands of the administrators, who will spend it on fact finding missions to Cayman Islands, Thailand & Mauritius. * If you buy a foreign car it will go to Japan, Germany, France, India or Korea. * If you buy a British car it will go to Japan, Germany or India . * If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore Instead, keep the money in the UK by: 1. Spending it at car boot sales 2. Going to night clubs 3. Spending it on call girls or escorts 4. Buying cider, beer or scotch 5. Getting yourself a Tattoo 6. Visiting a bookie (These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. ) Conclusion: Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl or escort that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night ! It’s the patriotic thing to do. No need to thank me....just glad I could be of help! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted November 9, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 9, 2016 A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there he lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted November 9, 2016 Share Posted November 9, 2016 So apperently brian cox and ed balls are forming a partnershipThey are calling themselves Ed and Brian .... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted November 10, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted November 10, 2016 So apperently brian cox and ed balls are forming a partnership They are calling themselves Ed and Brian .... Reminds me of the two Ronnies sketch where the ball bearing factory was closing down because one of the owners had lost his bearings, and the other one had lost his,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, will to live. Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 Winter Fuel Allowance. Do what our senior members do. Go and buy another O gauge loco kit. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted November 10, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted November 10, 2016 A highways agency warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads. I looked a right pillock on the train this morning... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Two_sugars Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 A highways agency warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads. I looked a right pillock on the train this morning... And you were only going 5 miles up the coast to Sunderland! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium ELTEL Posted November 10, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 10, 2016 Winter Fuel Allowance. Do what our senior members do. Go and buy another O gauge loco kit. I was thinking along the same lines A new sound chip! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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