peanuts Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Clearly, you've been taken part and just proven it inhibits proper writing as well thanks for pointing that out tired mind due to night shifts hey ho Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RhBBob Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 'A stitch in time saves nine', said the Mother of eight to herself as she sewed up her Husband's pyjamas Very, very old but there's a good reason for that.... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horsetan Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in one cage and a sliced loaf in another. The zookeeper told me it was OK, it was bread in captivity. This is either a Tim Vine or Milton Jones joke. Which one have you been watching!??? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 This is either a Tim Vine or Milton Jones joke. Which one have you been watching!??? neither - it arrived with me from someone who is a non-trainiac! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted October 25, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 25, 2016 'A stitch in time saves nine', said the Mother of eight to herself as she sewed up her Husband's pyjamas Very, very old but there's a good reason for that.... Its not his pyjamas that needs stitching up. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted October 25, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 25, 2016 I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in one cage and a sliced loaf in another. The zookeeper told me it was OK, it was bread in captivity. ( a rapid departure - stage right - is indicated!) I went to a zoo where the only animal was a dog . It was a Shih Tzu . Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 q.jpg A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of theUSA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: ----------------------- 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------ 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ------------------- 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). --------------------- 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen! PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)! It is extraordinary how many of my friends across the globe have sent this to me independently and without conspiracy. A commentary on the 'Punch and Judy Show' that is our election campaign, perhaps..? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium ColinK Posted October 25, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 25, 2016 I would like to say a big thank you to everyone who posts jokes on here. My mother is currently ill and in a hospice. Telling her all the jokes fromRMweb (well most of them) each day makes her smile, which really helps. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 q.jpg A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN It is extraordinary how many of my friends across the globe have sent this to me independently and without conspiracy. A commentary on the 'Punch and Judy Show' that is our election campaign, perhaps..? Would I be right in thinking that a lot of Americans respect The Queen as a lady to be reckoned with, who would probably make a better head of state for them than some I had better not name - even at her age? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Stubby47 Posted October 25, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted October 25, 2016 q.jpg A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of theUSA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: --- 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. --- Sorry, I disagree with #3. In fact, it should be a holiday in the UK as well. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted October 25, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 25, 2016 It is extraordinary how many of my friends across the globe have sent this to me independently and without conspiracy. A commentary on the 'Punch and Judy Show' that is our election campaign, perhaps..? Personally I'd vote for the crocodile. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
John_Hughes Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Sorry, I disagree with #3. In fact, it should be a holiday in the UK as well. Nah, better make it July 1 (Canada Day) and share it with our Commonwealth friends. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Personally I'd vote for the crocodile. I am just waiting for 'Mr Punch' to address some contentious issue with that oh-so-transparent, 'earnest' expression of his by uttering the words "That's the way to do it"... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Would I be right in thinking that a lot of Americans respect The Queen as a lady to be reckoned with, who would probably make a better head of state for them than some I had better not name - even at her age? As I once commented to a friend; "You have this election fiasco, we have babies...we're sorted for almost the next hundred years" 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Anyone that says marriage is an equal partnership is talking . I gave up drinking, football, gambling... All she gave up, was sex Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Anyone that says marriage is an equal partnership is talking ######. I gave up drinking, football, gambling... All she gave up, was sex Ah, but did you give up sex too...?? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
£1.38 Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 (edited) Your women are very lucky. Round here, there are only sheep. Edited October 26, 2016 by £1.38 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Ian J. Posted October 26, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 26, 2016 (edited) Ewe must be barking Edited October 26, 2016 by Ian J. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 why are there so many female archeolagists ? women love digging up the past Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Feminist Jokes? How many Feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. It's not the light bulb that needs changing. How is a man like a gun? Keep one long enough, and you will definitely want to shoot him! Why does it take a million spurm to fertilize one egg? Because they are really are too proud to stop and ask for directions. How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man? Because most of them do (DIY). What do you call a man who’s lost 99 percent of his intelligence? Divorced. What kind of man says that he can you actually change? One still in nappies. I am a bloke. Honest!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted October 27, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted October 27, 2016 So as you enjoy your extra hours sleep this weekend spare a thought for the English Heritage volunteers working through the night to move stone circles back an hour. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Last Halloween, I shouted through to the wife "Babe, there's a witch at the door, what should I do?" She shouted back "Give her some sweets and tell her to off!" My Mother-in-Law hasn't spoken to me since! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
graeme3300 Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Did you hear that a new big-mouthed dinosaur has been found in America?? A Trumpasorearse! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Did you hear about the Chinese Magican who did magic with Chocolate? I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted October 28, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 28, 2016 Did you hear that a new big-mouthed dinosaur has been found in America?? A Trumpasorearse! Is that the one who's fossilised brain has just been found? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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