The Forum Jokes Thread

[Colin_McLeod]

No, I didn't ask to suspend RMweb. Just the jokes. Is that too much to ask, out of respect for someone in public office? Or just a Mum?

Yes it is too much to ask. Lots of people have died since RMweb was formed and we have never suspended the jokes thread. There is an implication in your request that continuing the jokes is somehow disrespectful to the late Jo Cox.

 

Being in public office or being a Mum may be relevant in the context of discussing her murder, but there is a separate thread for that.

 

No disrespect to Jo but as far as I am concerned, as the OP of this thread, and as a rank and file RMwebber, the jokes can go on.

Edited June 16, 2016 by Colin_McLeod

[PhilJ W]

Yes it is too much to ask. Lots of people have died since RMweb was formed and we have never suspended the jokes thread. There is an implication in your request that continuing the jokes is somehow disrespectful to the late Jo Cox.

 

Being in public office or being a Mum may be relevant in the context of discussing her murder, but there is a separate thread for that.

 

No disrespect to Jo but as far as I am concerned, as the OP of this thread, and as a rank and file RMwebber, the jokes can go on.

Indeed, and as many RMweb members live overseas they possibly are unaware of happenings in this country.

[peanuts]

Whilst I agree it is a very sad time for the family and a despicable act, this person is not someone I had heard of before lunchtime or had any contact with so I don't see the point of one part of RMWeb coming to a stop because of it.

Some 15 minutes ago My wife (who is in public office and President of the British Legion here) received news that a WW2 Lancaster Gunner had died with no living relatives and with no one to attend his funeral in Bedford or mark his passing.

Do we honour one and not the other?

get it publiscised on face book and he will get lots turn out to honour him at his funeral 

[chris p bacon]

get it publiscised on face book and he will get lots turn out to honour him at his funeral 

The legion are doing that and a lot will be attending to pay him their respects.

 

Now back to the jokes........

[Jinty3f]

No, I didn't ask to suspend RMweb. Just the jokes. Is that too much to ask, out of respect for someone in public office? Or just a Mum?

But the same could be said of the many children murdered in Florida this week. Following this logic would mean - sadly - the thread would be suspended every couple of days as new atrocities are committed. The murder of an M.P. / mother is tragic, but it is one more in an increasingly dangerous world, and this happy thread - which is in no way disrespectful - would be in danger of extinction if it were suspended every time an innocent is murdered by others. None of us are unmoved by her death,or the deaths in Orlando, but surely it is not disrespectful to enjoy humour in silly, unconnected jokes.

[Colin_McLeod]

Young Gordon was with his parents and they were taking refreshments in the bar at Reading station when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that they had just missed the train.

'The next train is in one hour,' intoned the stationmaster.

The three went back into the bar. The parents had another drink, Gordon had a coke. Again they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling away.

'Next one is sixty minutes from now,' grunted the stationmaster.

An hour later, Gordon, with his mum and dad, raced out onto the platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The boy was left standing on the platform and began to laugh uproariously.

'Your parents just left you,' said the stationmaster. 'Why are you laughing?'

Gordon smiled, 'They only came to see me off.'

[AndrewC]

when you have to stop laughing, the have won.

 

How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

5. 1 to change it and 4 to sing about how good the old bulb was.

[Jamiel]

Q. How many Ox-Bridge graduates does it take to change a light bulb?

 

A. One. They stand there with their arm rigidly outstretched, and the world revolves around them and screws it in.

 

 

 

Q. How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

 

A. Can't be done, hardware problem.

Edited June 17, 2016 by Jamiel

[Stubby47]

How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

 

None, they try to make the old one work.

 

 

 

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

 

Two, but the hard part is getting them in there in the first place.

[HeeleyBridge]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Welshman nearly peed himself laughing.

[peanuts]

how many man utd fans foes it take to change a light bulb ?

 

six 

 

 one to drive the van from london one to work the satnav to find Oldtrafford another to go to the club  shop for the commemorative t shirt one to compose a song to the light bulb and another two to actualy change the bulb 

[luckymucklebackit]

Jumping on the bandwagon

 

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

None, the lightbulb has to want to change itself

[Dagworth]

How many sound engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

Answer A

1, 2. 1, 2. 1, 2.

 

Answer B

That's lampy* work

 

 

*Lampy: entertainment industry term for a lighting engineer, the real industry professionals who know that sound engineers only ever count to Two as on Three you lift!

 

Andi

[bluebottle]

how many man utd fans foes it take to change a light bulb ?....

 

Man Utd foes? Is that another way of saying Man City supporters?

[HeeleyBridge]

That's lampy* work

 

 

*Lampy: entertainment industry term for a lighting engineer, the real industry professionals who know that sound engineers only ever count to Two as on Three you lift!

 

 

 

Sound man counts 1-2,1-2

Bass player comes in on 3 (maybe)*

And the drummer has already counted to 12.

The guitarist has already done a 4 bar solo.

And of course roadies lift on 7.

 

*If he's not still outside locked in the drummer's car.

[Two_sugars]

Sound man counts 1-2,1-2

Bass player comes in on 3 (maybe)*

And the drummer has already counted to 12.

The guitarist has already done a 4 bar solo.

And of course roadies lift on 7.

 

*If he's not still outside locked in the drummer's car.

 

 

Yeah! . . skinning up for the interval!

[HeeleyBridge]

Yeah and the drums are still in the boot because the drummer handed the bass player the keys, so he could start unloading, while the drummer went to open the pub door.

[Tom D]

A new study aimed at women found the following results.....

 

10% of women said their ars* was too thin

10% of women said their ars* was too fat

80% of women said their ars* was ok, and wouldn't change him for anything

[HeeleyBridge]

A man goes on a vacation to a tropical island.  As soon as the plane lands, he gets off and hears drumming. 

At first, he thinks, “This is pretty cool”.  He ends up going for a stroll and hears the drumming. 

He eats lunch and hears the drums.  He goes to the beach and hears the drums. 

He tries to sleep, but can’t because of the constant drumming.

The drumming goes on for four days.  The guy has to go down to the front desk because he can’t sleep.  He asks the manager “What is the deal with these drums! Make them stop.  I haven’t got any sleep this whole week!”

The manager of the hotel says “No. Drums don’t stop.  You don’t want the drums to stop, sir.”

“Why?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Because when drums stop… Bass solo begins!”

[Tim Dubya]

Little Johnny lives on a farm, and one day shocks and horrifies his mother by running into the house shouting,
"Mum, Mum, the bull's f***ing one of the cows!".
She admonishes him on his language, but he protests that he is only relating what he has seen.
"I know", explains his mother, "but that's not a nice word, Johnny. When people are being polite they use
other words for such things. People still know what you mean, and it doesn't upset anyone".
"So what should I say", asks the rather puzzled child.
"Try 'surprise'", suggests his mother, "in future just say 'the bull is surprising one of the cows".

Several days later, Johnny again rushes into the kitchen.
"Mum, Mum, the bull is surprising all of the cows!", he exclaims.
"Oh, come now, he can't be surprising ALL of the cows at once.", protests his mother.
"He is. He's f***ing the pig!". 

[Tim Dubya]

85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ The other 15% haven't been to prison yet  

[Tim Dubya]

The following are extracts from daily British Newspapers

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas 
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for 
the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas 
used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily 
Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami 
in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing 
her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because 
they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they 
don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was 
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman 
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and 
asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he 
didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown 
his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience 
with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week 
to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. 
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in 
the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" 
(Bournemouth Evening Echo) 

[Tim Dubya]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. 

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the 
Old canons and laws of the church by hand. 

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying
From copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, 
Pointing out that if someone made even a small error
In the first copy, it would never be picked up! 
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. 

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, 
But you make a good point, my son." 

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery 
Where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked 
Vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. 
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. 

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. 
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, 

"We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !" 
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. 

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, Father?" 

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, 

"We missed the R! The word was... 

C E L E B R A T E!!!" 

[RhBBob]

Today is the longest day and it is Summer.

 

You can tell it's Summer since the rain is warmer....

[RJS1977]

Isn't the longest day tomorrow?