The Forum Jokes Thread

[kevinlms]

An oldie, but goodie

 

Wedding  Ceremony!

 

    

At a wedding ceremony the pastor asked 'if anyone had anything to say

concerning the union of the bride and groom.  It was their time to

stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace'.

 

      The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman

carrying a child.  She stood up and started walking slowly towards

the pastor.

 

     Everything quickly turned to chaos.  The bride threw the bouquet and burst out crying.  Then slowly groom's mother fainted.  The Bestmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

 

     The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward?

What do you have to say?"

 

     There was absolute silence in the church.

 

      )

 

     (

 

     )

 

     (

 

     )

 

      The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back."

 

[cromptonnut]

What has two legs and flies?

A wheelbarrow full of manure.

[peanuts]

What has four legs and flies ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A dead dog

[Tim Dubya]

Bob and Wayne are out fishing at their favourite canal,
just fishing quietly and drinking beer. 

Quietly, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm 
gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Wayne continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, 
'You better think it over, Bob... Women like that are hard to find.'

[Tim Dubya]

A middle-aged womans seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years, there's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,' The doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p?s in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, 

Plink-plink-plink, and there were 10p?s and this morning there were 50p?s !
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored,

'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynaecologist put a comforting
Hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'You're simply going through the change!' 

[Tim Dubya]

The body of an ice-cream man has been found at a remote location in the country. He was covered in "hundreds and thousands", chocolate sauce and crushed nuts.

Police are working on the theory that he topped himself..... 

[Two_sugars]

GROOAANNNNNN !!!!!!!!!

[Tim Dubya]

GROOAANNNNNN !!!!!!!!!

 

Is that a Welsh joke?

[Tim Dubya]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife." 

[Tim Dubya]

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally the door swung open and she asked:

 

"Tell me honestly, do I look fat in this?"

 

I replied, "Yes love, but to be fair, it is a small bathroom"

[Chris116]

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally the door swung open and she asked:

 

"Tell me honestly, do I look fat in this?"

 

I replied, "Yes love, but to be fair, it is a small bathroom"

You forgot to mention when your funeral is!

[RJS1977]

A young guardsman is on the gate at Buckingham palace. The RSM walks up to him and says "Right lad, the Queen is out on public duties I want to know the minute she gets back here, do you understand? The minute she's back you let me know".

"Yes sir " says the young guardsman. 

So 10 minutes later a big limo pulls in through the gates, the guardsman stops the car, pops his head in and says " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? " 

"No I'm princess Ann" 

"ok sorry to delay you, proceed". 

The next limo pulls in and he sticks his head in the window " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "

"No I'm princess Margaret". 

" Ok sorry to delay you ma'am, proceed.

Next limo pulls in and same again, he sticks his head in the window, "Scuse me ma'am, are you the Queen?." 

"Yes I'm the Queen".

"Right" he says. "Well make yourself scarce love cos the RSM is lookin for you".

 

Brian Johnston used to tell a story he picked up when filming an episode of "Down Your Way" at a military hospital.

 

Apparently a few months earlier Princess Margaret had visited the hospital. As she walked through one of the wards, a man was writhing in agony on one of the beds.

"I say, what's up with you?" she asked him.

"I've got a terrible boil on my bum, Ma'am," he replied.

"Oh, Nasty. I hope it's better soon," replied the Princess and moved on. When she'd gone, the Matron went up to the patient and told him off.

"You must NEVER say words like that in front of Royalty. You should have said you'd twisted your ankle or something."

 

A few weeks after Princess Margaret's visit, The Queen Mother also visited the hospital. The same patient was still in agony in the bed, so she walked over to him.

"What's up with you?" she asked.

The soldier remembered what Matron had said to him, so he replied. "I've twisted my ankle, Ma'am." 

"I'm sorry to hear that," replied the Queen Mother. "But is the boil on your bum better?"

[ikks]

The Blonde Neighbour.

 

The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!

I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

 

She said, “Sally, I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

 

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

 

Then she said, "There's more."

 

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

 

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins

 

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said...

 

“That was the easy part. I went to ALDI and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both 

tested positive

 

[EHertsGER]

What has two legs and flies?

A wheelbarrow full of manure.

 

...trousers...

[Jamiel]

What has four legs and flies ?

 

A dead dog

What has four legs and an arm?

 

A Rottweiler.

[HeeleyBridge]

I fitted twin exhausts to my Reliant Robin. The kids shouted "Look Dad's built a wheelbarrow"

[peanuts]

I walked into my house to find my wife had gone and a note nailed to the wall. 'We have ur wife, if u want to see her alive we want £500K. Do not contact the police, we are very determined await a phone call'. They weren't joking about being determined., i've had 36 missed calls from them now!!!!!!!

[Allegheny1600]

Should children witness childbirth?.................
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a torch
high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked
the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded,
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.... smack him again!!..

[Allegheny1600]

A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.
After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help. The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo Dick."
"How does it work?" asked the businessman.
The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo Dick from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo Dic that door." The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half.
"Fantastic," said the man. "I'll take it!"
He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo Dick and left on his business trip. Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo Dic my pussy."
The Voodoo Dick flew out of the box and gave her after . But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop. So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police. The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo Dick inside her that wouldn't leave her alone.
The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo Dick, my ass."..

[peanuts]

 a scotsman walks in to a pub .....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

alone as the english irish and welshmen are all in france for the euros 

[luckymucklebackit]

 a scotsman walks in to a pub .....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

alone as the irish and welshmen are having fun in france at the euros, and the English are fighting with everyone as usual

 

FTFY

[shortliner]

Bartering in Oz

 

This morning a guy was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of top class beer cheap at the local supermarket.
He placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.

He stopped at a service station where a gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned into his passenger window, her bra-less breasts nigh on falling out her skimpy top, and said in a sexy voice,

"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" 

He thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got

[AndrewC]

shortliner, on 16 Jun 2016 - 17:05, said:

Bartering in Oz

 

This morning a guy was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of top class beer cheap at the local supermarket.

He placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.

He stopped at a service station where a gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned into his passenger window, her bra-less breasts nigh on falling out her skimpy top, and said in a sexy voice,

"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" 

He thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got

How is that a joke? It happened to me last week.   All she had was schitty Fosters so I turned her down.

[Colin_McLeod]

Can we suspend the jokes in respect for Jo Cox please? it is now confirmed she has died of her injuries

 

RIP Jo Cox.  A terrible thing to happen.

 

I don't know the views of other members but we don't usually suspend RMweb when people die.

[chris p bacon]

No, I didn't ask to suspend RMweb. Just the jokes. Is that too much to ask, out of respect for someone in public office? Or just a Mum?

Whilst I agree it is a very sad time for the family and a despicable act, this person is not someone I had heard of before lunchtime or had any contact with so I don't see the point of one part of RMWeb coming to a stop because of it.

Some 15 minutes ago My wife (who is in public office and President of the British Legion here) received news that a WW2 Lancaster Gunner had died with no living relatives and with no one to attend his funeral in Bedford or mark his passing.

Do we honour one and not the other?