The Forum Jokes Thread

[shortliner]

A letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is
make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of p...!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Susan

[Sidecar Racer]

At a busy city bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

 

As the bus stopped  and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight

to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

 

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip

her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

 

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed,

she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

 

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not

raise her leg.

 

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable

to make the step.

 

About this time, a large Western Australian who was standing behind her picked her up easily by

the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

 

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched,

 

"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

 

The Western Australian  smiled and drawled, 

 

"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,  but after you

unzipped my fly three times,  I kinda figured we was friends."   

[kevinlms]

One morning three women are rolling up on the green when suddenly a  guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head. As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, Well, he's  certainly not my husband.
As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, He's not my husband either.
He then passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.  Wait a minute, she says. He's not even a member of this bowls club.

[Budgie]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

 

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

 

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

 

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

 

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[Budgie]

Mike invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Mike’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Mike’s housemate Jennifer was. She had long been suspicious of the ‘platonic’ relationship between Mike and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Mike and Jennifer than met the eye.

 

Reading his mother’s thoughts, Mike volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just housemates.”

 

About a week later, Jennifer came to Mike saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find that beautiful silver ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

 

Mike said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an e-mail just to be sure.”

 

So he sat down and sent her a message:

 

“Dear Mum,

 

I’m not saying that you did take the ladle from the house, and I’m not saying that you did not take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

 

Love, Mike”

 

Several days later, Mike received an email back from his mother that read:

 

“Dear Mike,

 

I’m not saying that you do sleep with Jennifer, I’m not saying that you do not sleep with her. But the fact remains that if Jennifer was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now.

 

Love, Mum”

[luckymucklebackit]

Overheard at Athens Airport earlier this week:

 

Customs Officer - Name Please?

 

..Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

 

Customs Officer - Occupation?

 

..No, not this time, I am just here for a couple of days

 

 

Jim

[Welchester]

Overheard at Athens Airport earlier this week:

 

Customs Officer - Name Please?

 

..Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

 

Customs Officer - Occupation?

 

..No, not this time, I am just here for a couple of days

 

 

Jim

 

See post 707 above.

[kevinlms]

See post 707 above.

Yes I'm sure I remember seeing it, but how do I get directly to 707? I know I've asked before but cannot remember or find via searching.

[Stubby47]

Divide 707 by 25 (number of posts per page) = 28.

 

Add 1 = 29

 

Click on the 'page 174 of 174' text below this box and enter 29 in the popup window, then click go and scroll down.

 

(Sorry, not a funny joke, I know...) 

Edited June 2, 2016 by Stubby47

[BoD]

Divide 707 by 25 (number of posts per page) = 28.

 

Add 1 = 29

 

A bit like addressing accessory decoders then.

 

 

Edit to include quote as this appeared on next page.

(I forgot to divide by 25 before posting)

Edited June 2, 2016 by BoD

[Keith George]

Overheard at Athens Airport earlier this week:

 

Customs Officer - Name Please?

 

..Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

 

Customs Officer - Occupation?

 

..No, not this time, I am just here for a couple of days

 

 

Jim

I prefer the Angela Merkel version, much more believable.!

[bluebottle]

Overheard at Athens Airport earlier this week:

 

Customs Officer - Name Please?

 

..Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

 

Customs Officer - Occupation?

 

..No, not this time, I am just here for a couple of days

 

 

Jim

 

Remind me, Jim - when exactly did the USSR or Russia occupy Greece?

[BoD]

Remind me, Jim - when exactly did the USSR or Russia occupy Greece?

Erm, it's a joke.

Jokes aren't always true.

 

Overheard at Constantinople airport earlier this week:

 

Customs Officer - Name please?

 

- Vlad the Impaler

 

Any better?

[teaky]

Nope, he didn't invade Greece either!  There's a rumour he's still not dead though. 

[Tony Davis]

How about;

 

Overheard at Athens Airport earlier this week:

 

Customs Officer - Name Please?

 

..Mussolini

 

Customs Officer - Occupation?

 

..No, same as last time, just a couple of weeks

[bluebottle]

How about;

 

Overheard at Athens Airport earlier this week:

 

Customs Officer - Name Please?

 

..Mussolini

 

Customs Officer - Occupation?

 

..No, same as last time, just a couple of weeks

 

Better, though it lacks the barb against a living politician - an essential part of the Angela Merkel version.

[Tim Dubya]

sorry about this but I thought I might throw a 'joke' in:

 

 

Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.

 

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

 

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

 

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi'us"

[Tim Dubya]

A middle-aged man was drowning his sorrows in a bar with a fellow drinker.

 

"I had everything," he groaned. "Two kids, a house in the country, the love of a beautiful woman. Then suddenly, it was all gone."

 

"What happened ?" asked his drinking partner.

 

"My wife found out."

[Tim Dubya]

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her d...o this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “.

[Tim Dubya]

A man walks in to a zoo, the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu

[BG John]

I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “.

 

Is it going to Athens then?

[pH]

"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?

 

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

 

....

 

Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

See post#3703 above.

[kevinlms]

See post#3703 above.

So we're going to end up numbering all our jokes & just type a number for the rest of us to laugh/groan at? Yes I know that joke is in here somewhere, but I can't find it!

[kevinlms]

Is it going to Athens then?

No she went on her own accord. Oh sorry wrong city!

[andytrains]

A man walks in to a zoo, the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu

The old ones are the best.

 

I've got a broom that's 50 years old it has had ten new heads and three new sticks.

 

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.

I'm telling you – never again!

 

A Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

Two aerials meet up on the roof. They fall in love. Get married.  

The ceremony was rubbish, the reception was brilliant.

Edited June 3, 2016 by andytrains