The Forum Jokes Thread

[newbryford]

Don't ask me about dwarves...

 

I know very little about them.

 

 

 

 

Cheers,

Mick

[kevinlms]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.   Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Intrigued and impressed, the woman asked for his business card; three weeks later she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[kevinlms]

Sign over Gynaecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at
your cervix."

**************************

 

 

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all
heels."

**************************

 

 

On a Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a
drip. Call your plumber."

**************************

 
 

 

On a Church's Bill board:

"7 days without God
makes one weak."

**************************

 

 

At a Tyre Store ?

"Invite us to
your next blowout."

**************************

 
 

 

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove
your shorts."

**************************

 


 

In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see
smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************

 

 

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push.
Push."

**************************

 

 

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see
what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************

 

 

On a Fence:

"Salesmen
welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

 


 

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to
get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************

 

 

Outside a Car Exhaust Store:

"No appointment
necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

 

 

In a Vets waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes.
Sit! Stay!"

**************************

 

 

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there
and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

**************************

 

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait.."

**************************

 

And don't forget the sign at a

RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in
town to take a leak."

**********************

 

Sign on the back of
yet another

Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This
Truck is full of Political Promises"?

 

 

OK, you can take a breath now.

[Dagworth]

[cromptonnut]

I had a most awkward experience in Tesco's earlier today.

 

The checkout girl said "strip down, facing me".

 

I didn't realise she was referring to my credit card.

[PhilJ W]

I had a most awkward experience in Tesco's earlier today.

 

The checkout girl said "strip down, facing me".

 

I didn't realise she was referring to my credit card.

When does the court case come up?

[Colin_McLeod]

From Facebook

 

 

[Tom D]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

 

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

 

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.

You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.

He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.

He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.

Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.

One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[andytrains]

From Facebook

 

 

FB_IMG_1460929603790.jpg

Like the MILF in the background!

Can't see any $100, $50 or $20 notes in the train pile only £10 and $5's!

Edited April 19, 2016 by andytrains

[Titan]

Like the MILF in the background!

Can't see any $100, $50 or $20 notes in the train pile only £10 and $5's!

 

Don't you mean MLF? MILF means something quite different... unless that was deliberate for comedy effect!!!

[F-UnitMad]

 

Sign over Gynaecologist's Office:[/size]

"Dr. Jones, at

your cervix."[/size]

**************************[/size]

 

 

In a Podiatrist's office:[/size]

"Time wounds all

heels."[/size]

**************************[/size]

 

 

On a Plumber's truck:[/size]

"Don't sleep with a

drip. Call your plumber."[/size]

**************************[/size]

 

 

 

On a Church's Bill board:[/size]

"7 days without God

makes one weak."[/size]

**************************[/size]

 

 

At a Tyre Store [/size]?

"Invite us to

your next blowout."[/size]

**************************[/size]

 

 

 

On an Electrician's truck:[/size]

"Let us remove

your shorts."[/size]

**************************[/size]

 

 

In a Non-smoking Area:[/size]

"If we see

smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."[/size]

**************************[/size]

 

 

On a Maternity Room door:[/size]

"Push. Push.

Push."[/size]

**************************[/size]

 

 

At an Optometrist's Office:[/size]

"If you don't see

what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."[/size]

**************************[/size]

 

 

On a Fence:[/size]

"Salesmen

welcome! Dog food is expensive!"[/size]

**************************[/size]

 

 

At a Car Dealership:[/size]

"The best way to

get back on your feet - miss a car payment."[/size]

**************************[/size]

 

 

Outside a Car Exhaust Store:[/size]

"No appointment

necessary. We hear you coming."[/size]

**************************[/size]

 

 

In a Vets waiting room:[/size]

"Be back in 5 minutes.

Sit! Stay!"[/size]

**************************[/size]

 

 

In a Restaurant window:[/size]

"Don't stand there

and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."[/size]

**************************[/size]

 

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:[/size]

"Drive carefully. We'll wait.."[/size]

**************************[/size]

 

And don't forget the sign at a[/size]

RADIATOR SHOP:[/size]

"Best place in

town to take a leak."[/size]

**********************[/size]

 

Sign on the back of

yet another [/size]

Septic Tank Truck:[/size]

"Caution - This

Truck is full of Political Promises"[/size]

?[/size]

 

 

OK, you can take a breath now.[/size]

Seen for real on the back of a lorry:-

 

"Don't like Trucks?

 

Stop buying stuff, then!!"

 

Very, very true.

[cromptonnut]

On a similar note to 'funny signs' ...

 

[raymw]

Another Parrot story-

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

 

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

 

There was only one problem: The magician had a parrot in the act and the parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

 

Once the parrot understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!”

Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

 

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. In fact, the act became a comedy act and the magician was in demand on every cruise ship.

 

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

 

The magician, luckily, found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

 

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

 

This went on for a day... and then 2 days. And then 3 days.

 

Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the f****n' ship?"

 

[Sidecar Racer]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a  barstool.

 

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the  hip.

I'm John, he's Jim.  Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

 

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite  conversation while pouring the beers.

 

"Been on holiday yet, lads?"

 

"Off to England next month," says John.  "We go to England every year,  rent a car and drive for miles.

  Don't we, Jim?"  Jim agrees.

 

"Ah,  England!" says the bartender.  "Wonderful country... the  history, the beer, the culture..."

 

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.  "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim?

 

And we can't stand the English -  they're so arrogant and rude."

 

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

 

 

 

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[Wacol]

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person
in the bar. It was a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried
out "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!" The others looked again and, sure enough, it was
Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile
and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says. The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him
"I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a
Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says,
"Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of
Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and
smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes,
I am Jesus." The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a stubbie of
Melbourne Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Sometime later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He
reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go,
the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've

had for years is gone. It's a miracle!" Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him
for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By jove", he

exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.
The Aussie whispers ... "F*** off mate, I'm on Workers Comp"

[Budgie]

In honour of the 400th anniversary of the death of William Shakespeare, the Bard of Avon.

 

Sonnet CLV

 

I must complain, my lad. I think I know

A living parrot from a bird that's dead,

Like this one, bought not half an hour ago,

Which failed to move; the reason was, you said,

The mere fatigue of a protracted squawk.

I say it's stiff, not pining for the firth.

And if thou hadst not nail'd it to the balk

Full fathom one it would repose in earth.

Norweyan Blues, thou say'st, stun easily,

But this one is extinct; it is no more;

It's ceased to be, forever not to be.

To meet its Maker it is gone before.

Bereft of life, alas, it rests in peace.

This popinjay hath suffered its decease.

[kevinlms]

The Irish Bic Lighter
 
Paddy and Sean were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Paddy pulled out a cigar. 

Finding he had no matches, he asked Sean for a light. 

'Ya, shure, I haff a lighter,' Sean said, before reaching into his tackle box & pulling 

out a Bic lighter, 10 inches long.

 

'My God, man!' exclaimed Paddy,taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?' 

'Well,' replied Sean, 'I got it from my Genie.' 

'You have a fecking Genie?' Paddy asked. 

'Ya, shure. He’s right here in my tackle Box,' says Sean. 

'Could I see him?' 

Sean opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Paddy says: 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of Your master. Will you grant me One wish?' 

'Yes, I will.' says the Genie. 

So Paddy asks the Genie for a Million bucks. 

The Genie disappears Back into the tackle box leaving Bob sitting there waiting for his million Bucks. 

Shortly, the Irish sky Darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks ..... flying directly overhead.

 

Over the roar of the million ducks Paddy yells at Sean: 'What the hell? I asked for a million Bucks, not a million ducks!' 

Sean answers: 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing.

Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

[Jinty3f]

On another occasion, Paddy and Sean were again in a boat, and Paddy wanted a smoke, but had forgotten his matches. But no problem, Sean took another cigarette out of the packet and threw it overboard - making the boat a cigarette lighter.

Sorry.....

[kevinlms]

She squirmed excitedly as he leaned over and whispered softly in her ear, 'Asdfg . . hjkl . . uiop.'
She loved it when he talked Qwerty.

[Obi-Jiff Kenobi]

What did Big Ben say to the Leaning Tower of Pisa?

 

I've got the time if you've got the inclination.

[Colin_McLeod]

The Albert Clock in Belfast has both the time and the inclination.

http://www.geograph.ie/photo/1332550

[Jamiel]

This is a conversation I had a few years ago, obviously when I had failed to switch on my brain before talking.

I was with my partner, Sarah, and we saw our neighbour, Helen coming home. Helen was in her twenties at the time and was very attractive.

We had been in the garden that afternoon and I thought that I should tell her about something we had seen in the roof of her flat.

Me 'Helen you have great tits ....'

Helen looked somewhat surprised at this somewhat out of place comment.

Me ' You have a family of tits ....'

Sarah at this point was in hysterics.

Me 'There are birds nesting in the roof above your flat.'

Helen and Sarah were both in hysterics at this point and I was glowing bright red.

Always best to engage your brain before opening your mouth.

Jamie

Edited May 6, 2016 by Jamiel

[Ian Smeeton]

Sometime n the 60's, Collins, the publishers had an unexpected best seller on their hands, with rapid reprints of what should have been a learned tome of limited interest.

 

Only later, did someone check the actual title

 

'Great British Tits'

 

Best Regards

 

Ian

[Tom D]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

 'Hallo, Mr. Hollande!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy  Harland down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.

I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!   We  voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

 

'Well Paddy Harland, Hollande replied. How big is your army?'  

 

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus,

and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

 

Hollande paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

 

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

 

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Hollande, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

 

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Hollande asks.

 

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

 

Hollande sighs, amusedly. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers.

Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

 

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

 

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Hollande, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!

We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

 

Hollande was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided,surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

 

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

 

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hollande! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

 

Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Hollande. 'Why the sudden change of heart?' 

 

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Sidecar Racer]

 I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the

 bar last night.

 

One of the guys says to his buddy:  "Man you look tired.”

 

His buddy says , “Man I'm exhausted.  My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.  

She's after me 3 and 4 times a day,​I just don't know what to do."

 

A fellow about my age (60+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

 

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:

 

 

"Marry her.  That'll put a stop to that rubbish."