RMweb Premium Jamiel Posted April 5, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 5, 2016 Horse racing.And it's 'Findus Filling' ahead of 'Soon to be Kitekat', followed by 'Iceland Best Beef Steak', and bringing up the field is 'Hooves for Glue', 'Aldi Budget Catfood', 'Horse Steak (what's the problem, its that not that different from beef anyway)' and bringing up the rear 'I'm not jumping that bloody hedge'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Stubby47 Posted April 5, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted April 5, 2016 Having been to the fair and seaside the last couple of weeks, I have realised that when I bought my airbrush for modelling, I could have made quite a lot of money doing portraits on the side of rides that look a bit, but not a lot like famous people. Photo from Hull Fair, see: https://cassandraparkin.wordpress.com/2011/10/22/great-moments-in-retailing-hull-fair/ I still can't work out how she's got three arms... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Tim Dubya Posted April 5, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 5, 2016 I still can't work out how she's got three arms... She's from St Just... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted April 5, 2016 Share Posted April 5, 2016 She's from St Just... No help at all I'm afraid. steve Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom D Posted April 5, 2016 Share Posted April 5, 2016 Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (apparently true story) Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.. The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions. You're going to love this....... Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:........... "Defrost the chicken." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allegheny1600 Posted April 6, 2016 Share Posted April 6, 2016 I'm glad to see that one has crossed the Atlantic at last! Still good though, thanks, John 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted April 6, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted April 6, 2016 Has anyone else told the Alzheimer's joke yet. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted April 6, 2016 Share Posted April 6, 2016 Has anyone else told the Alzheimer's joke yet. Dunno. When did this Alzheimer guy post his joke? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted April 6, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted April 6, 2016 It was last ...... Erm ....... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted April 6, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 6, 2016 It was last ...... Erm ....... Thursday? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Buhar Posted April 6, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted April 6, 2016 Thursday? Yes, I am, pint of 80/-, please. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave47549 Posted April 6, 2016 Share Posted April 6, 2016 (edited) . Edited October 4, 2021 by Dave47549 Removed pointless guff 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peterfgf Posted April 7, 2016 Share Posted April 7, 2016 Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (apparently true story) Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.. The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions. You're going to love this....... Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:........... "Defrost the chicken." I think the original version was about British Rail engineers at Derby carrying out initial research into the windscreen strength of the proposed HST-125 sets..... peterfgf Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peter220950 Posted April 7, 2016 Share Posted April 7, 2016 I think the original version was about British Rail engineers at Derby carrying out initial research into the windscreen strength of the proposed HST-125 sets..... peterfgf Whereas in reality I saw what was probably the 'real' set up at Triplex in the '90's, it was surprising how much damage unfrozen chickens had done to the concrete at the end of the range. The beaks and other hard bits had hacked quite a large depression in the wall. Anyway, back on topic, has anyone told the Altzheimers joke yet?. Peter P S You won't believe it but I had to restore the post from Auto saved content because I forgot to post it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted April 7, 2016 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted April 7, 2016 P S You won't believe it but I had to restore the post from Auto saved content because I forgot to post it. untitled.JPG Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted April 7, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted April 7, 2016 No the wonder we haven't heard the Alzheimer's joke yet. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold ian Posted April 7, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted April 7, 2016 (edited) No the wonder we haven't heard the Alzheimer's joke yet. I thought I had already told you. Edited April 7, 2016 by ian Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
hmrspaul Posted April 7, 2016 Share Posted April 7, 2016 I think the original version was about British Rail engineers at Derby carrying out initial research into the windscreen strength of the proposed HST-125 sets..... peterfgf I understood from an HST engineer that they used a brick delivered at 250 mph (the speed of a brick thrown from an HST at another). The windscreen held fine (there may have been a problem with other parts of the front). The test with a defrosted chicken is the official way to do this https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chicken_gun Paul 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted April 7, 2016 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted April 7, 2016 No the wonder we haven't heard the Alzheimer's joke yet. I would tell you but I forget the punchline. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Max Posted April 8, 2016 Share Posted April 8, 2016 Launderette owners son (called Nuts) gets half the female staff in the family way, when his father finds out he does a runner. Advert in nexts days newspaper by father trying to find son gets put in Ironmongery column by mistake - 'Nuts screws washers and bolts' Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
gazmanjack Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 (edited) Blind Cricket ? : Edited April 12, 2016 by gazmanjack Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted April 13, 2016 Share Posted April 13, 2016 What's worse then getting up and putting money on your wife's dressing table? She getting up to look for change Her finding out you left the money on someone else's night table... ' or so I am informed..' Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted April 13, 2016 Share Posted April 13, 2016 (edited) Hopefully this has not appeared elsewhere (and if it was me, it was just before the Alzheimers joke...) A pretty young female (OK, not PC already...) was in need of some spare cash. Deciding against any immoral activity, she opted for some household chores. Knocking at the door of a seemingly prosperous house she was greeted by the owner who, after some discussion, commissioned her to paint his porch for $100. He provided her with brushes and paint, then left her to the job, adding that he would be working in his study so please would she knock on the door to let him know when she was done. Two hours later she knocked on the door, a little spattered in paint, but otherwise seemingly done with her task. The owner asked her if she found it difficult, but she replied with a smile; "Oh, no it was easy. I had plenty of paint so I gave it two coats!" The owner handed over the $100 and was about to inspect his newly painted porch as she turned to leave. Pausing for a moment she added: "By the way, it's not a porch. It's a Ferrari." Edited April 13, 2016 by EHertsGER Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 A policeman in Birmingham pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic. He approached the car window and said, "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyser." The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note. On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath." The policeman said, "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample." The man produced another letter. This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way." So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then." The man produces a third letter from his pocket.It read: "This man plays Football for Aston Villa , please don't take the piss out of him” Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RJS1977 Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 Bad accident at an adventure playground earlier. A boy in round glasses and a white cowboy suit was playing on the climbing equipment when it collapsed, pinning him to the ground. Fortunately a bystander heard him call out, "The monkey bars are on me..." 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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