RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted February 12, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 12, 2016 Don't try moving a sofa when drunk (contains swearing) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted February 14, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 14, 2016 Walk With Me While I Age I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me - then my forwarding it will be worth the effort. Walk with me by the water - worth the read. A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER S H 1 T......... ...... I forgot the words. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Welly Posted February 14, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 14, 2016 (edited) Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the Thames in London The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand howyou can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the samesize as kids... I just don't get it.' 'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?' 'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc. 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?' 'Down the other side of the river near the Parliament' 'Same here. Hmm... how do you catch them?' 'Well, I crawl up under one of their cars and wait for one to unlockthe car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh!t out ofthem, and eat 'em!' 'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're notgetting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh!tout of a politician, there's nothing left but an ar@ehole and a briefcase.' Edited February 14, 2016 by Welly 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cromptonnut Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 I was feeling grumpy early in the week and now I'm feeling happy. The doctor isn't sure if it's bipolar or a dwarf fetish. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BG John Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 I was feeling grumpy early in the week and now I'm feeling happy. The doctor isn't sure if it's bipolar or a dwarf fetish. If it's a dwarf fetish you've committed a capital offence . Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cromptonnut Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Did you know that Spike Milligan had a pet, which he kept in his garden pond, that he taught to play table tennis? It didn't have very good eyesight but was able to focus on the ball. It was his ping pong, little eyed toad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted February 16, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 16, 2016 Did you know that Spike Milligan had a pet, which he kept in his garden pond, that he taught to play table tennis? It didn't have very good eyesight but was able to focus on the ball. It was his ping pong, little eyed toad. GROAN button now! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 All men are cremated equal. 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Tim Dubya Posted February 18, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 18, 2016 Why did the English wear red coats in battle? A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why, from that day onwards, all French Army officers wear brown trousers. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted February 18, 2016 Share Posted February 18, 2016 My bird wanted to see Jeremy Kyle live for her birthday, so I got her sister pregnant. We're on next Tuesday Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted February 18, 2016 Share Posted February 18, 2016 A boat carrying red paint has crashed into a boat carrying blue paint. The crews have been marooned. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RJS1977 Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 Three fish met in the middle of a river. The first fish realised that the second fish was a type of fish he hadn't encountered before so he asked him what type of fish he was. Before the second fish could answer, the third called out, "Don't tell him,Pike!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted February 19, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 19, 2016 Two young Yorkshire lads are in a white van. Who's driving? The cops Not funny button required, that's a Liverpool joke! Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 (edited) Somebody mention Liverpool? Edited February 19, 2016 by bluebottle 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Tim Dubya Posted February 19, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 19, 2016 A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." ... He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: "Are - my - test - results - back?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horsetan Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 Campanology: the study of effeminate bell-ringing. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom D Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I didn't like to see you standing there all by yourself!' Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mum?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'are you giving up?' Larry's class were on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photograph of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.’ Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.’ Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mum!’ 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonB Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 After a delicious dinner and a few drinks the wife leads husband into the bedroom. With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" "No" replied her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.He took the crumpled bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 dollars all crumpled up?? "No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited. She whispered, "Go and look in the garage." 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 I was going to get a stairlift installed for my parents. But then thought - "No, it would drive them up the wall" steve Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted February 21, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 21, 2016 If I play my country music backwards will my dog return from the dead and my wife come running back to me? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
pH Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 If I play my country music backwards will my dog return from the dead and my wife come running back to me? Yes, and you will be re-hired at work as well! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium BR60103 Posted February 22, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 22, 2016 Yes, and you will be re-hired at work as well! But you'll have to go back to jail... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
CUTLER2579 Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 Woman in a jeweller's admiring a big diamond ring. As she leans down for a closer look a little fart slips out, hoping no one has noticed she asks “ how much is that one?” The Jeweller says “Madam, if you farted just looking at it you’ll yourself when I tell you the price!” 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 Keep hearing in the news about "LGBT", is this about Lehmann Gross Bahn getting into "T" gauge? Jim Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Tim Dubya Posted February 24, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 24, 2016 I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs.It was a ridiculously long name. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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