shortliner Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Unfortunately this may be a little too close to the truth World-wide telephone survey Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:- "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a complete failure—why? –because: In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. In the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. And in Australia , New Zealand , Canada , and Great Britain . . . everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 theres some right evil gits about heard a cat screeching went to the door to find four guys in manutd shirts in the street playing football with a cat ! was just about to phone the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up ! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted December 14, 2015 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 14, 2015 theres some right evil gits about heard a cat screeching went to the door to find four guys in manutd shirts in the street playing football with a cat ! was just about to phone the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up ! I see people have started to display that worst of human traits, kicking people when they are down. Isn't it great. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted December 15, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 15, 2015 theres some right evil gits about heard a cat screeching went to the door to find four guys in manutd shirts in the street playing football with a cat ! was just about to phone the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up ! Only a question of time until the side gets replaced by Chelsea, sadly. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 theres some right evil gits about heard a cat screeching went to the door to find four guys in manutd shirts in the street playing football with a cat ! was just about to phone the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up ! Repeat Joke, I'm afraid. Back on page 70-odd I think. I know it was posted by Steve1 - & even he repeated it a few pages later... Ok, /Anorak Mode <OFF> (sorry... ) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A bloke will actually search for a golf ball. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted December 15, 2015 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 15, 2015 Can never find the ruddy things though. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Yeah - he couldn"t really call it a holiday, as he already lives there... ... or at least, anywhere except Manchester... Well you can't beat anywhere if you are in Chelsea.. (Lifelong Chelsea fan wondering WTF) Best, Marcus Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Known for their greatest hits album, featuring such gems as; Under The Boom of Love Three Straps to Heaven Blue Boom Who put the Boom in the Boom a Boom a Boom Burkah wearin' lady Take me to your arms Sweet little fundamentalist And their all-time favorite seasonal hit Hey Mr Christian... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold ikks Posted December 17, 2015 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 17, 2015 Can never find the ruddy things though. Wot!! G-Spots or golf balls Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 As I work in a ticket office, that isn't actually that far from the truth sometimes. I get asked for things like a "single, to London only, but with the underground too, coming back later today, for two people - oh and can I also use the buses". Yep, day travelcard (which some people still call a Capitalcard). Or, I'd like to go to Portsmouth - right, what way do you want to go (via Barnham, or via Clapham Junction in this example) and they think about it then say "by train please". It's fun. Quickest way to Portsmouth? join the Navy Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RJS1977 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Quickest way to Portsmouth? join the Navy Not if Mr.Phillips is navigating, it isn't! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cromptonnut Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Quickest way to Portsmouth? join the Navy During times of severe disruption I have occasionally commented "taxi to Redhil Aerodrome and charter a helicopter" with a short pause for it to sink in before providing more useful information. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted December 17, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 17, 2015 An Adult Fairy Tale Once upon a time there lived a King..The King had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.No matter what;Metal,Wood,Stone,Anything she touched would melt.Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth...THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.The prince went away sadly . The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.He too was sent away disappointed.The third prince approached. He told the Princess,'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red . She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.And it did not melt!!! The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.And the third Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.Question: What was in the Prince's pants? M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.What were you thinking?? I WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted December 17, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 17, 2015 "Dad?"Yes Son?"Where do baby horses come from?"Well, when a mare and a stallion are really in love…"Yes…"…and in a stable relationship… Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted December 17, 2015 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 17, 2015 A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonB Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 Maths at Christmas.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeff alvey Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 (edited) You could of course change Electrician to "O" gauge and plumber to "N" gauge. Edited December 19, 2015 by jeff alvey 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Jamiel Posted December 19, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 19, 2015 (edited) A joke of a fine vintage, in more ways than oneA man takes a woman on a date to a swanky restaurant to impress her. When the wine waiter comes over, he orders and expensive bottle of wine. “I’ll have the Chateau Neuf ’81 if you please.”“A very good choice Sir.” replies the waiter.He brings the bottle, uncorks it, and pours a little into a glass for the man to taste.He spits it out immediately, “This is the ’82 you idiot. Take it away. Bring me a bottle of the Chateau Rothschild ’79 instead.”“Very good Sir.” Replies the waiter.Again he uncorks the bottle and pours a little for the man to taste, again he spits it out. “You idiot, this is the 1980. Take it away.” He looks pleased with himself, showing his date his superior knowledge of wine.The waiter returns with a glass. “Perhaps if Sir would care to try this.”He takes a sip and spits it out. “This is p i s s!”The waiter replies, “Yes Sir, and if you would care to state my age.” Edited December 19, 2015 by Jamiel 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted December 19, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 19, 2015 (edited) A shocking accident Edited December 19, 2015 by PhilJ W Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Jamiel Posted December 19, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 19, 2015 The sound it makes just had me in tears of laughter.Thanks for sharing that one. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Jamiel Posted December 19, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 19, 2015 Sorry, can't resist this one.How many 'Ox-bridge' graduates does it take to change a light bulb?Just one, they stand there perfectly still with their arm outstretched, and the world turns around them, and screws it in. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Bernard Lamb Posted December 20, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 20, 2015 To continue with the musical theme. What is the best thing to use to play a banjo? Wire cutters. What is the best thing to use to play a Bodhran? A razor blade. What is the difference between a drummer and a base player? Usually about half a beat. Bernard Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Jamiel Posted December 20, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) OK if it is drummer jokes, one told by Dave Grohl on Jools Holland's show.Q. What do drummers use for contraception?A. Their personality.And from the web: How can you tell a drummer's at the door?The knocking speeds up. What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?"Hey, how about we try one of my songs?" How do you tell if the stage is level?The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth. How can you tell a drummer's at the door?The knocking speeds up. What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?"Hey, how about we try one of my songs?" How do you get a drummer off of your porch?Pay him 10 bucks for the pizza. Why didn't the Little Drummer Boy get into heaven?Because he woke up the baby, for Christ's sake! What do you call a drummer with half a brain?Gifted. What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece suit?"Will the defendant please rise?" "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?""Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer." Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?Me neither. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?So they can park in the handicapped spot. How is a drum solo like a sneeze?You know it's coming, but there's nothing you can do about it. What's the first thing a drummer says when he moves to LA?"Would you like fries with that, sir? What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?One will mature and make money. Why do drummers have lots of kids?They're not too good at the Rhythm Method. What do you do if you accidentally run over a drummer?Back up. What did the drummer say to the band leader?"Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"Why do bands have bass players? To translate for the drummer.What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummer's arm? A tattoo.What is the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?You only have to punch the rhythm into a drum machine once.Lots more at http://www.drumjokes.com/PS. I am a drummer. Edited December 20, 2015 by Jamiel Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Whats the difference between a hippo & a zippo? one is really heavy the other is a little lighter!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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