The Forum Jokes Thread

[EHertsGER]

You are a DAB hand at those sort of jokes.

In DACE gone by that would have been taken as disrespectful.

I hope that you do not get haWRASSEd because of it.

I could always be a GOBYtween if you are.

Cod almighty, don't you chaps know your Plaice??

[AndyID]

Some of us do it just for the halibut.

[Stubby47]

"You know I hate football, what on Earth am I going to do to escape the Euros  next June? " asked my wife.

" You could have a holiday in Scotland, " I replied.

'But I hate rugby too".

"Oh, you might as well stay in England then".

[kevinlms]

'But I hate rugby too".

"Oh, you might as well stay in England then".

So are you inspired by England's 100% record in the Euro 2016, or is it just a greater height to fall from the the first rounds of the comp proper?

[kevinlms]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
                 
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
                 
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
                 
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
                 
The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
                 
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.
                 
Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
                 
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad."
                 
"Rubbish," replied the young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire.
                 
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch.
                 
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head..
                 
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien.
"He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
                 
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his willy over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."
 

[jeff alvey]

[Jamiel]

An Englishman walks into a pub. Normally there would be a Scotsman, an Irishman and a Welshman in this joke too but they were all off at the Rugby World Cup....

Thanks to my friend Jane for that one.

[peanuts]

Me and the girlfriend have just been to the cinema to see that new film Suffragette.

 

Two hours of a woman's struggle........full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

 

Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park we rushed in and caught the credits...

[andytrains]

Me and the girlfriend have just been to the cinema to see that new film Suffragette.

 

Two hours of a woman's struggle........full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

 

Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park we rushed in and caught the credits...

We need a joint funny and agree button for this one!

[luckymucklebackit]

Returning to the VW scandal, evidence is emerging that the issue may have been around for longer than thought....

 

 

Jim

[luckymucklebackit]

SLEEPING WITH MICK:

Four guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man... The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.
They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the behind, and kissed him good night on the lips......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mick sat up and watched me all night."

 

Jim
 

[Highlandman]

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The husband jumps into bed and starts reading a book while the wife preens herself at the mirror.

 

"Darling" she said

 

"Yes" ,said the husband, "what's the matter?"

 

"I'm fed up" she replied.

 

"Why's that?"

 

"Everytime I get undressed and sit here I look at my small boobs, wished I had a bigger pair and wonder what I can do"

 

"Well you could try rubbing a bit of tissue paper in between them" said the husband.

 

"Oh!" exclaimed the wife, "do you think that would work?"

 

"I not sure", said the husband, "but I'd give it a go 'cause it's done wonders for your *rse........."

Edited October 19, 2015 by Highlandman

[Adams442T]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire engine," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the Girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little girl," the firefighter said "I don't want to tell you how to operate your engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[emac]

The Man Rules!  At  last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally ,  the guys' side of the story.

We always hear 'the rules' from the female side, now here are the rules
from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down..
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want
it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither
do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default
settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a
fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. That's what men do.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act
like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape !

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on
the couch tonight.
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh and
to appreciate the truth!

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger
laugh.

[Budgie]

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither

do we.

That explains why he ended up in the wrong place.

[Allegheny1600]

I like number one best!

[raymw]

..

[peanuts]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

[peanuts]

women have to deal with 

mensturation

childbirth

breastfeeding

menopause

and hot flushes

 

men have to deal with 

women 

 

 

think thats a tie

[ParkeNd]

A young curate was apprenticed to an experienced vicar but finally it was time to progress beyond just helping, and fetching and carrying - it was time for his first solo Sermon. As Sunday approached the young curate became progressively more nervous and tongue tied at his rehearsals - even in an empty church - until he finally couldn't get a single word out.  But the old vicar had a solution - he told the young curate that just before his first sermon he took a few sips of whisky and it calmed his nerves. The young curate took this too much to heart and had a few glasses of whisky. The sermon went well, the congregation were hanging on his every word, and he didn't stop or even falter once. After the service the young curate asked the vicar how he had done - and the vicar had to admit his sermon was riveting. But just as the young curate was about to congratulate himself the vicar said "There was just one tiny technical error in your text - the Bible actually says that David slew Goliath - he didn't actually  smash his f****** head in".

[Jamiel]

Another apprentice story, this time a young vet in Yorkshire on the 1950's.

A young vet is watching his senior get ready to go out to a farm where some male horses are to be castrated.

He sees his senior put two bricks into his bag.

"What are they for?" he asks.

The senior vet smiles, lifts out the bricks and says "You stand behind the horse and ...."

 

He brings the two bricks sharply together. The Young vet winces.

"Doesn't that hurt?"

The senior vet replies "Only if you get your thumbs trapped".

[AndrewC]

When I was young, I used to sh*t like clockwork every morning. 

 

 

 

The gears and springs were a pain in the arse though.

[Jamiel]

I know this one has been going around Facebook, but I thought worth sharing here.

For anyone who has a partner on a diet.

[sir douglas]

im very sorry in advance

 

 

what do you call a toilet in a chocolate factory...    umpa lumpa dumpa

[gazmanjack]

There is some really cheap meat available at the moment, Deer balls. 

 

 

 

 

If you look around, you'll find them under a buck...!!