The Forum Jokes Thread

[pH]

another duck goes into another bar

 

and asks the barman "Got any grapes?"

 

The barman replies "No. We do not sell grapes in here."

 

The duck thanks him and leaves.

 

....

 

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

 

 

Confused, the bartender says no.

 

 

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

 

A longer version, set to music too! - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q

 

(One of my granddaughter's current favourites.)

Edited September 6, 2015 by pH

[shortliner]

Sorry - couldn't resist - apologies to any of you who are!

 

[Sidecar Racer]

HELP LINE:

 

   " Hello  my name is Bob how can I help you?"

 

Caller: " Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.

 

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

 

The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up;

she goes out with the girls a lot.I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

 

Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.

 

When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,

then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

 

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack

in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

 

 

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

[Enterprisingwestern]

HELP LINE:

 

   " Hello  my name is Bob how can I help you?"

 

Caller: " Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.

 

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

 

The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up;

she goes out with the girls a lot.I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

 

Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.

 

When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,

then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

 

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack

in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

 

 

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

 

That could be adapted to a model railway version quite easily.

 

Mike.

[luckymucklebackit]

I did it on here a couple of years ago, I was "hidden in the loft and noticed a patch of damp scenery where the rain was getting in ", couple of guys on here took it seriously before seeing the joke!!

 

JIm

[kevinlms]

A doctor was addressing a large audience at a old age Health Seminar.

"The material we put into our stomachs today would have killed most of us sitting here, 50 years ago".

Red meat is now full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. 

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"  

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake ."

[Sidecar Racer]

A man worked in a pickle factory.

 

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his p*nis in the pickle slicer.

 

Unable  to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the

factory  psychologist.

 

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised  Mickey to go ahead and do it or he

would probably never have any  peace of mind.

 

The next day he came home from work very early.

 

His wife, Mary, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. The man tearfully confessed

his tormenting desire to put his p*nis in the pickle  slicer.

 

He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead  and  did it, and he was immediately fired.

 

Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a

normal, completely intact  p*nis.

 

She looked up and said, "I don't understand.

 

What about the pickle slicer?"

 

 

He replied, "I think she got fired, too."

[jeff alvey]

[peanuts]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

[HowardGreen]

Superb!

 

 

OK, I'll give it a whirl:

 

 

A blonde, a lawyer and a priest all walk into a bar. The bartender looks up at them and says," Hey, what is this, some kinda joke?"

The way I heard it, it was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.  But I don't think they're allowed to drink together any more.

[cromptonnut]

I had a horrible dream last night that I was being chased by Eddie Stobart. It was a logistical nightmare.

[PhilJ W]

I had a horrible dream last night that I was being chased by Eddie Stobart. It was a logistical nightmare.

GROAN!

[Jamiel]

Before I discovered 'The Body Shop', I thought 'Aloe Vera' was a greeting on 'Coronation Street'.

[shortliner]

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Winnipeg, Manitoba when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.
  
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
 
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl; and, the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.  A reporter had watched the entire event.
 
The reporter said to the Harley rider, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
  
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars.  I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
 
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.  I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.  So, tell me, what do you do for a living and what political affiliations do you have?'
 
The biker replies, 'I'm a Canadian Soldier and a Conservative.'

The journalist leaves.
 
The following morning the biker buys the paper out of curiosity to see if it, indeed, brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

  CANADIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

  And that pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

[AireValley1962]

I'm from Canada, and that's pretty much the truth!

[kevinlms]

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says …

 

 

"I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?"

 

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees.

 

After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

 

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

 

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister...

 

"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

 

The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...

 

"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".

[raymw]

.

[Rugd1022]

I just sold all my John Lennon memorabilia on ebay....

 

Imagine all the PayPal

[Jamiel]

Here is a nice bitchy one from Simon Fanshawe.

Q. What does the Queen do with her old clothes?

A. She wears them.


A favourite quote of mine from Frazier.

Daphne. 'Oh come on Dr. Crane, you must have used sex to get what you want at some point.'

Fazier. 'Men can't use sex to get what they want. Sex IS what they want.'


And a wonderful insult from Corpral Klinger in M*A*S*H.

'If I had a dog with a face like yours, I'd shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards.'

Edited September 16, 2015 by Jamiel

[shortliner]

Black  Bra & Heels  (as told by a woman)

I  had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One  is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+  years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by  greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask  over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange  notes.

Here's  how it all went.........

My  engaged friend:

The  other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather  bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman  of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night  long.

The  mistress:

Me  too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a  raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I  opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we  had wild sex all night.

Then  I had to share my story:

When  my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings,  stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he  said,...........

 

 

 

 

 

"  What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[DonB]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast in Australia

when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man

walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My

problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to

the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep

them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ?

I' ll give you $100 for your trouble.'


'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into

the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat

belts. Off they went.


Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold

Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the

street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a

big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to

the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you

$100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'



'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so

now we're going to Sea World.


Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let

[Budgie]

The Battle of Trafalgar.

 

Nelson at Trafalgar in 2015

 

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

 

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

 

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

 

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

 

Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

 

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

 

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

 

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

 

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

 

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.."

 

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

 

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

 

Nelson: "What?"

 

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

 

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

 

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

 

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

 

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

 

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

 

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

 

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

 

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

 

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

 

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

 

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

 

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

 

Nelson: "We're not?"

 

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

 

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

 

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

 

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

 

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

 

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, s0d0my and the lash?"

 

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

 

Nelson: "What about s0d0my?"

 

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

 

Nelson: "In that case

 

................ Kiss me, Hardy."

Edited September 17, 2015 by Budgie

[F-UnitMad]

Nelson in 2015...

 

Far too close to the truth to be funny....

[ParkeNd]

A man walked into a pub with a full grown alligator and ordered a beer in a bottle. He drank the beer, hit the alligator on the nose with the empty bottle, the alligator opened its jaws, he unzipped his trousers and put his manhood between the alligators teeth filled jaws, and when everyone in the pub was watching he hit the alligator on its nose again with the empty bottle - whereupon it clamped its jaws shut with terrifying force. After a few seconds he hit the alligator on the nose again - it opened its jaws - the mans manhood was completely undamaged.

 

He zipped up and said "Anyone else who can do that I will give an instant prize of £1000 in cash".

 

Every man in the pub shuddered and shook their heads and went back to their pints - clearly no risk takers tonight.

 

Suddenly a blonde girl came forward and said she would give it a try. The man was just about to guffaw when she said "but don't hit me too hard with that bottle".

[Allegheny1600]

De Parrot He Is DEAD?

 

At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob .."

"What bloody funeral?!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

Silence...

Long silence......

Very long silence............

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep do-do."

 

 

 

Similar has been on here before but not in this form, I think!

John.