RMweb Gold BoD Posted July 29, 2015 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 29, 2015 Doesanybodyknowwhatthisbaralongthebottomofthekeyboarddoes? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Memory loss in the afternoon is formally classified as pmnesia . steve Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Two_sugars Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Doesanybodyknowwhatthisbaralongthebottomofthekeyboarddoes? Yer getting bored already, aren't you? EH? EH? EH???? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cromptonnut Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I was at the swimming pool yesterday and desperately needed a pee. I thought I could get away with a sneaky pee in the pool so I went down the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cromptonnut Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green Massey Ferguson tractor. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his... check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay. "What the heck are you doing Mick?" says Paddy. "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me", says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeff alvey Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Well, at least our lot will be singing at them in Welsh, so that should slow them down a bit. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 "There" going to storm Eurotunnel... ???!! They might as well, the English language is being murdered enough already.... /Pedantic Miserable Old Git Mode OFF. The alternative punchline of course, is "For God's sake, Sgt Jones - sing something they know, will you..??" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted July 31, 2015 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 31, 2015 ....... but I still don't think much of these new Virgin Train uniforms. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RJS1977 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Well, at least our lot will be singing at them in Welsh, so that should slow them down a bit. There's fousands of 'em.... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom D Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 A Mother accompanied her teenage daughter to the Doctor’s, as her daughter was plagued with severe vomiting. The Doctor, pronounced that the young woman was pregnant. The Mother, coming from a very strict upbringing was stunned at this news, and when she was able to overcome her shock, immediately began interrogating her daughter, as to the sordid details. The daughter wilted in the face of the Mothers questioning, and swore that she had never committed any sexual acts that could have caused her pregnancy. The Mother, torn between the clinical views of the Doctor that her daughter was pregnant, and the views of her daughter that this could not possibly have happened, turned to the Doctor for reassurance. The Doctor, wise in the ways of the world, and teenage daughters, walked to the window, and stood staring out of it. After quite a long time, the Mother finally asked the Doctor what he was thinking. The Doctor bemusedly said, “Well, the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and I would hate to miss that!” Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParkeNd Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 This needs to be read with a Northern accent. The local priest was doing his rounds in a deprived part of Manchester. He had visited the houses of several families who had not been to Mass for weeks and was becoming depressed by the poverty and the evidence of excesses of the demon drink. But suddenly he spied a heart warming sight amongst all the gloom - a little girl of no more than five years old was sitting on the kerb cuddling an adorable little kitten. He strode up to her and said "That's a fine little kitten you have there - what's its name?" The little girl looked up at him with her bright blue eyes and said "Cookin Fat". The priest looked puzzled and asked "Who thought of that name my dear". Without hesitation the little girl replied "My Dad when he fell over it walking down the stairs" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Two_sugars Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 Manchester? A southern accent from where I am mate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 The local priest was doing his rounds in a deprived part of Manchester.Is there any other part of Manchester...?? /sprinting for Exit.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted August 1, 2015 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 1, 2015 Whilst you are thinking about northern accents here is a proper one. A girl goes to her hairdresser in Newcastle and asks for a perm. The hairdresser replies 'I wandered lonely as a cloud.....' 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParkeNd Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 Manchester? A southern accent from where I am mate. Sorry - no sympathy from me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catweasel Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 ParkNd. Is that a photo of your pooch on your avatar? Mine is a rescue Rough Collie. Named Magick, he is now a gentleman of 14 years. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
emac Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 She's single.... She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door. I opened the door, she looks at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight! Are you doing anything?" I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!" She said, "Great! ....Could you watch my dog?? Being a senior citizen, really sucks! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave47549 Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 (edited) . Edited October 3, 2021 by Dave47549 Removed pointless guff Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cromptonnut Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 (edited) I tried making friends "offline" in the same way that I use Facebook and Twitter. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I did the previous evening, and what I plan to do for the rest of the day. I show them pictures of my wife, my family, my pets, my garden, and recent holidays. I also listen to their conversations, tell them I "like" them and give them my opinion on every subject that interests me, whether it interests them or not. It works, it really does. I already have four people following me: two police officers, a social worker and a psychiatrist. Edited August 1, 2015 by cromptonnut 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParkeNd Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 ParkNd. Is that a photo of your pooch on your avatar? Mine is a rescue Rough Collie. Named Magick, he is now a gentleman of 14 years. Yes Catweasel. Our third in a row. Bobbie. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catweasel Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 All our dogs have been rescues. Old English,Emma,15 years, Trio, Heinz 58, 12 years, Sophie, greyhound,she was only 5, some one poisoned her. Sorry to hi-jack thread. I'll see if I can come up some doggy jokes. 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cromptonnut Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Mr T once dug a large hole in my garden, concreted the sides and the bottom, then when it was fully dry he tiled it, and then filled it with water........He fitted the pool Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BG John Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Mr T once dug a large hole in my garden, concreted the sides and the bottom, then when it was fully dry he tiled it, and then filled it with water.... You had a dog called Mr T who could do concreting and tiling? I wish my waste of space was that useful Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted August 3, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 3, 2015 Back on January 9th, a group of Peking, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says: "Hey baby.....Whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked... "Well, before you jump, Honey-babe... why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says: "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Bernard Lamb Posted August 4, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 4, 2015 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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