The Forum Jokes Thread

[BoD]

Scotland will Boycott the next one, continuing a tradition going back to 1998.

 

Jim

Apparently there's an album of 'Scottish World Cup Anthems'.

It must be a 78, then.

[luckymucklebackit]

Apparently there's an album of 'Scottish World Cup Anthems'.

It must be a 78, then.

 

This was the most cringeworthy.....

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tiSww7FJAE

 

...In fairness Andy did do a parody in his live act after the World Cup, titled "We've all been conned by Ally's Army"

 

Jim

Edited May 31, 2015 by luckymucklebackit

[peanuts]

A rocket scientist, a car owner, and Brad Pitt walk into a bar.

Shania Twain's in there, and isn't impressed very much.

[EHertsGER]

One evening, some time after the end of the day's business a young man was on his way out of the office when he spied a senior member of the management team peering somewhat helplessly at the shredding machine.

 

Eager to impress, he asked if he could help. Asked if he knew how the machine worked, the young man confirmed that he did.

 

The senior executive went on to warn the young man that the document he was about to insert into the shredder was sensitive and highly important.

 

With that the young man pressed the start button and the document slid into the machine with an electronic air of finality.

 

The executive, impressed by the young man's willingness to help and his understanding of modern technology, added "I only want one copy"

 

MORAL: Never assume your boss knows what they are doing...

[PhilJ W]

One evening, some time after the end of the day's business a young man was on his way out of the office when he spied a senior member of the management team peering somewhat helplessly at the shredding machine.

 

Eager to impress, he asked if he could help. Asked if he knew how the machine worked, the young man confirmed that he did.

 

The senior executive went on to warn the young man that the document he was about to insert into the shredder was sensitive and highly important.

 

With that the young man pressed the start button and the document slid into the machine with an electronic air of finality.

 

The executive, impressed by the young man's willingness to help and his understanding of modern technology, added "I only want one copy"

 

MORAL: Never assume your boss knows what they are doing...

Could have been worse, his boss wanted it shredded and could have been standing by the fax machine.

[raymw]

 

 

When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black Chicago Church, I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about. I sat down and Sharpton came up to me – I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church. He laid his hands on my hand and said "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."

 

I told him I was not paralyzed.

 

Then Jesse Jackson came by and repeated the same thing, "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today." Again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

 

After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold, my car had been stolen!

 

[raymw]

Talking of which, forty or so years ago, my wife and I were invited to a wedding party of a Nigerian friend of ours down to St. Pauls, in Bristol. We had to park the car in the street. Our host asked us the car make and registration number. He went outside, chatted for less than a minute to the guys outside. My car was still there, intact, with wheels, when we left some hours later.

[C&WR]

As the line goes, "I won't give you a pound to look after my car, I'm leaving my doberman in it."

 

"Can he put out fires, mister?"

[shortliner]

*INTERESTING OBSERVATION*
*1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.*
*2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.*
*3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.*
*4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.*
*5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.*
*And...*
*6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
*THE amazing facts are,*
*The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls
become.*
*There must be a boat load of people in Westminster playing marbles.

[Horsetan]

....*There must be a boat load of people in Westminster playing marbles.

That assumes they haven't already lost them.

[peanuts]

My wife reckoned she could sing more football terrace songs than me. But I beat her easily

She had no chants.

[Stanley Melrose]

A couple of cartoons that I saved years ago and found while sorting some papers today.  They always made me smile and still do . . .

 

Stan

 

That's it - just a bowl of cherries.pdf

 

My son is innocent.pdf

[Jamiel]

I can't remember which comedian said this, but I have always liked this comment.
 

'Liebfraumilch. How do they get the cats to squat over the bottle?'

[Horsetan]

Another one for "Jamiel":

 

Q: What does FIFA stand for?

 

A: The national anthems of Russia and Qatar.

[peanuts]

Just heard the official song for England women's football World Cup team.

Steam Irons On A Shirt .

[andytrains]

 

Just heard the official song for England women's football World Cup team.

Steam Irons On A Shirt .

 

You sexist bogger.

I hope they win.

Then blokes all over the country will be getting rampant sex with their wives.

If they loose, well it will be down the pub for a few pints and a row when you get home!

[BoD]

I hope they win.

Then blokes all over the country will be getting rampant sex with their wives.

 

You reckon?

[Budgie]

BEST POEM IN THE WORLD

 

I was shocked, confused, bewildered

As I entered Heaven's door,

Not by the beauty of it all,

Nor the lights or its décor.

 

But it was the folks in Heaven

Who made me splutter and gasp --

The thieves, the liars, the sinners,

The alcoholics and the trash.

 

There stood the kid from seventh grade

Who swiped my lunch money twice.

Next to him was my old neighbour

Who never said anything nice.

 

Bob, who I always thought

Was rotting away in hell,

Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,

Looking incredibly well.

 

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?

I would love to hear your take.

How'd all these sinners get up here?

You must've made a mistake.

 

And why is everyone so quiet,

So sombre -- give me a clue.'

'Hush, child,' he said, 'they're all in shock!

No one thought they'd see you.'

 

~~Author Unknown

[RJS1977]

What's grey, has a trunk, and sings?

 

Elephants Gerald.

 

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

 

Look for the fresh prints.

[RJS1977]

Scotland will Boycott the next one, continuing a tradition going back to 1998.

 

Jim

 

I didn;t know Sir Geoffrey played football, or that he was eligible for Scotland!

[RJS1977]

An anecdote while we're pondering the above?

 

 

Before Ian McKellen became Gandalf, he used to earn a living by doing a bit of Shakespeare, and a one-man show called “Acting Shakespeare”.

An excerpt from this:

“I am often asked, 'How do you learn all those lines?' Well, of course, it's just hard work, but the best parts in Shakespeare are the kings where you get to wear all the best costumes and crowns; and all evening long, messengers enter with bits of paper with your lines written on them.

Well, that's all right until something goes wrong. There was an actor playing Henry The Fifth at Stratford, and he arrives at the scene after the battle of Agincourt when a messenger brings him the list of all the dead French soldiers, which the King, very movingly, reads out as he stands amongst the bodies of the dead.

So, the messenger arrives as normal and hands the King the list of the dead French soldiers. What the King didn't realise was that he was holding a blank sheet of paper...            

                                                                                                         

                                                                                                                                          (ACT IV, SC. VIII) 

                                                                                                          THIS NOTE DOTH TELL ME OF TEN THOUSAND FRENCH

                                                                                                          THAT IN THE FIELD LIE SLAIN: OF PRINCES, IN THIS NUMBER

                                                                                                          AND NOBLES BEARING BANNERS, THERE LIE DEAD

                                                                                                          ONE HUNDRED TWENTY SIX:

                                                                                                          THE NAMES OF THOSE NOBLES THAT LIE DEAD.

 

He opens the list, discovers nothing written on it, does a double-triple-take to the wings, then bravely carries on...

 

                                                                                                          CHARLES BEAUJOLAIS AND ST. EMILION,

                                                                                                          POUILLY FUISSE, NUIT ST. GEORGE, AND BEAUNE;

                                                                                                          CHAMPAGNE: VEUVE CLIQUOT, MOET AND CHANDON;

                                                                                                          DOM PERIGNON AND …..... CHATEAU NEUF DU PAPE!”

 

 

McKellen doesn't tell us, but I imagine that the actor received the most rapturous applause of his life!

 

Reminds me of this:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWGZdYNpaSo

[RJS1977]

She smiled and called him Mr,

Because he'd never kr.

And so in spite

That very night

The Mr. kr. sr.

 

One fine day I went to Bicester

With Mr.Lister and his sister

Who had an enormous blister.

While in Bicester, nearly kissed her

When "Let's play Twister!" shouted Lister.

Up in Bicester,playing Twister

Trod on Mr. Lister's sister's blister.

Never kissed her.

How I missed her.

[kevinlms]

On oldie, but good.

 

Chew on

 An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe
when an American tourist, chewing gum, mouth open making those noises gum chewers do, and sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The Yank snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Australian frowned, and grunted “of course.”

The yank then blew a huge bubble with his gum.
 'We don't” he chuckled, “. In the States, we only eat what's inside.
The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'

The American yank ,'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' 
Looking skywards, the Australian grunted, “of course.”

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't.
In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers,
recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ..

Enough was enough!!
The Australian then mildly asked, 'Do yanks have sex in the States?
The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.'

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum
and sell them to the United States .

Where do you think the Company Brand Name “Wrigley's” comes from ?'

[ParkeNd]

Three reactions from different nationalities of women immediately after sex.

 

French woman. "Oh cherie Oh Oh !!. That sent me to heaven, I shall never recover".

 

American woman. " Woweeeeeee !!. Sol you are just the greatest stud ever"

 

British woman. " Do you feel better now dear?"

Edited June 15, 2015 by ParkeNd

[bluebottle]

That reminds me -

 

A market researcher was conducting an international survey into married couples’ sex lives …

In London, he asked the man of the house two standard questions -

 

“How often a night do you and your wife have sex?”

and was answered:

“Three times”

“And what does your wife say in the morning?”

“ That was lovely, dahling!”

 

He repeated this procedure in a number of cities, receiving answers such as:

 

In Paris – “Four times”

and “Magnifique, mon cheri!”

 

In New York - “Five times”

and “Gee, that was swell, honey!”

 

In Rome - “Six times”

and “Bella bella, mio amante!”

 

And so on, until he gets to Glasgow:

 

“How often a night do you and your wife have sex?”

“Jist the wance.”

“What, just once?”

“Aye, jist the wance.”

“But everybody else says three, or four, or any number of times – but you do it just once a night?”

“Aye, jist the wance”

“Oh. And what does your wife say in the morning?”

“Get aff!”

Edited June 15, 2015 by bluebottle