The Forum Jokes Thread

[Allegheny1600]

Gawd, how old is that!?!?!

 

Slightly newer;

 

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss bowling league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

[kevinlms]

Gawd, how old is that!?!?!

 

Slightly newer;

 

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss bowling league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Good one. So is it better to be hit by misaimed arrow or a badly thrown bowling ball? Hmmm.

[bluebottle]

old one: see http://www.rmweb.co.uk/community/index.php?/topic/741-the-forum-jokes-thread/page-134&do=findComment&comment=1879157

 

Old? It was only on the previous page!

[Horsetan]

What joke was that?

[Colin_McLeod]

What joke was that?

Number 16

[pH]

Shamelessly stolen from another site:

 

Typos - the Greek god of predictive text

[luckymucklebackit]

I went to the zoo yesterday, they had only one animal, a little dog.  It was a Shih Tzu

 

Jim

[CUTLER2579]

Ho Chow calls into work and says,Hey, I no come to work today.I really sick. Got Headache,Stomach ache and Legs hurt,I no come work.

The boss says,"you know something, Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.

Two hours later Ho Chow phones again. I do what you say and I feel great. I will be at work soon ............... you  got nice house. 

[Steve K]

 

 

pretty amazing engine the ######

 

can be started with one finger

 

can take anysize piston

 

is self lubricating

 

and self changes it oil every four weeks !

 

 

just a petty the management system is so bloody tempramental 

 

 

Ah, another child-friendly joke for our inclusive forum...

[bluebottle]

An anecdote while we're pondering the above?

 

 

Before Ian McKellen became Gandalf, he used to earn a living by doing a bit of Shakespeare, and a one-man show called “Acting Shakespeare”.

An excerpt from this:

“I am often asked, 'How do you learn all those lines?' Well, of course, it's just hard work, but the best parts in Shakespeare are the kings where you get to wear all the best costumes and crowns; and all evening long, messengers enter with bits of paper with your lines written on them.

Well, that's all right until something goes wrong. There was an actor playing Henry The Fifth at Stratford, and he arrives at the scene after the battle of Agincourt when a messenger brings him the list of all the dead French soldiers, which the King, very movingly, reads out as he stands amongst the bodies of the dead.

So, the messenger arrives as normal and hands the King the list of the dead French soldiers. What the King didn't realise was that he was holding a blank sheet of paper...            

                                                                                                         

                                                                                                                                          (ACT IV, SC. VIII) 

                                                                                                          THIS NOTE DOTH TELL ME OF TEN THOUSAND FRENCH

                                                                                                          THAT IN THE FIELD LIE SLAIN: OF PRINCES, IN THIS NUMBER

                                                                                                          AND NOBLES BEARING BANNERS, THERE LIE DEAD

                                                                                                          ONE HUNDRED TWENTY SIX:

                                                                                                          THE NAMES OF THOSE NOBLES THAT LIE DEAD.

 

He opens the list, discovers nothing written on it, does a double-triple-take to the wings, then bravely carries on...

 

                                                                                                          CHARLES BEAUJOLAIS AND ST. EMILION,

                                                                                                          POUILLY FUISSE, NUIT ST. GEORGE, AND BEAUNE;

                                                                                                          CHAMPAGNE: VEUVE CLIQUOT, MOET AND CHANDON;

                                                                                                          DOM PERIGNON AND …..... CHATEAU NEUF DU PAPE!”

 

 

McKellen doesn't tell us, but I imagine that the actor received the most rapturous applause of his life!

[peanuts]

Definition of a GHETTO?

a) where poor people live

b) what the queen calls a cake

[Colin_McLeod]

 

Definition of a GHETTO?

 

b ) what the queen calls a cake

 

[Jamiel]

Little Girl "Mummy, were those dancing girls at the show tonight real people".

 

Mummy "Yes, of course they were."

Little Girl "But mummy, are you sure they weren't robots."

 

Mummy "Yes, I'm sure."

Little Girl "But mummy, are you really sure they were weren't robots?"

Mummy "Yes, why do ask?"

Little Girl "Because in the interval Daddy told uncle George that he would like to screw the arse of the little blonde one on the left."

[Jamiel]

Another old one.

Outside a teepee a native American father stands with his young son in the morning air, his wife has just given birth.

Son "Father, why is my sister Running Water so called?"

Father "When your sister was born, I came out of the teepee, and heard the sound of water, I looked down and saw a stream, so I called her Running Water."

Son "Why is my brother called Red Cloud?"

Father "After your bother was born I came out of the teepee and saw a beautiful sunrise, against the sky was one cloud lit by the red morning rays, so I called him Red Cloud. Why do you ask Two Dogs F**king?"

Edited May 18, 2015 by Jamiel

[luckymucklebackit]

On a similar vein – three Apache Squaws are pregnant, and it was the tradition of the tribe for the father to go out and kill and skin an animal so that the baby will be born on a fresh hide. Two of the braves go out locally and come back with buffalo and deer hides for their Sqauws, the other is gone for weeks, and returns with a hippopotamus hide (don't ask where he found a hippo in North Amaerica)

Weeks later and the three Squaws have their babies, two have single babies and the other (with the hippo hide) has twins

 

Which goes to prove…

 

 

Groan button at the ready….

 

 

The sum of the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the sons of the squaws on the other two hides

[Allegheny1600]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath….
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[peanuts]

2 elephants walking along a nudest beach and they see a guy sunbathing

 

 

One turns to the other and says "how the phuq  does he feed himself with that"

[Tom D]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. 

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

 

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.”

The man said “ You can't be serious.  I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions: to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair."

[Budgie]

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

 

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

 

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

 

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

 

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

 

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

 

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

 

The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

 

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

 

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

 

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

 

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

 

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

 

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bluebottle]

Its a little known fact that Sean Connery visits a local old peoples home on a monthly basis to have a chat to the people there and keep them in touch with what is going on. One old bloke was usually on his own so Sean very kindly befriended him and used to sit and have tea with him, chat about racehorses, the war and anything else that the man wanted to talk about.

After a year, Sean said to the man, 'Do you actually know who I am?'

'Go ask matron' came the reply, 'she will tell you.'

Edited May 22, 2015 by bluebottle

[AndyID]

Just the last couple of lines on this very old joke. You can fill in the missing bit yourself.

 

American Tourist Lady: That's gruesome!

 

Kilted Scotsman: Aye! And it wull grew some mair if ye dae that again.

[BR60103]

My uncle was taking us around Scotland and we arrived at Stirling Castle. He went to the ticket booth and returned to the car.

"They want twa pund tae get in there!.Ach, ye've seen Edinburgh Castle; it's bigger and it's frreee!"

(this was back in 76; I may have the price wrong)

[bluebottle]

My uncle was taking us around Scotland and we arrived at Stirling Castle. He went to the ticket booth and returned to the car.

"They want twa pund tae get in there!.Ach, ye've seen Edinburgh Castle; it's bigger and it's frreee!"

(this was back in 76; I may have the price wrong)

 

Indeed! Current admission charges, for adults/children/seniors are £14.50/8.70/11.60 at Stirling, 16.50/9.90/13.20 at Edinburgh!

In case this puts visitors off, it's worth considering a year's annual membership of Historic Scotland at £91.50 for a family of two adults and up to six children 5-15, and visiting other sites during a holiday in Scotland. Immediate membership can be obtained at any manned site.

Admission to English Heritage, CADW(Wales) and Manx National Heritage sites half price, free on renewal of membership. These sister organisations have reciprocal concessions (the Manx one also covers the equivalent Trusts of Australia, New Zealand, The Cayman Islands, Bermuda and Malta!)

[peanuts]

police are investigating an episode of 'Bargain Hunt' filmed in Liverpool after both teams got their 3 items without spending any of £300 budget

[N15class]

 

Indeed! Current admission charges, for adults/children/seniors are £14.50/8.70/11.60 at Stirling, 16.50/9.90/13.20 at Edinburgh!

In case this puts visitors off, it's worth considering a year's annual membership of Historic Scotland at £91.50 for a family of two adults and up to six children 5-15, and visiting other sites during a holiday in Scotland. Immediate membership can be obtained at any manned site.

Admission to English Heritage, CADW(Wales) and Manx National Heritage sites half price, free on renewal of membership. These sister organisations have reciprocal concessions (the Manx one also covers the equivalent Trusts of Australia, New Zealand, The Cayman Islands, Bermuda and Malta!)

 

There is also a shorter term ticket that lets you into 3 and half price on others if I remember from our trip at christmas.