AndrewC Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 Maybe he can re label one to say Hit with a Stick instead. Very appropriate for some of the "jokes" on this thread. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 The truth behind all the little guys taking notes for Kim Jong Un, he is an avid Wagon Spotter but doesn't have a dictaphone. Jim 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve K Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 Has anyone noticed that there are two "Hit by mistake" non buttons? PS: That's not a joke, it's intended to be a helpful observation The second one's there in case you hit the first one by mistake... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) Maybe he can re label one to say Hit with a Stick instead. Very appropriate for some of the "jokes" on this thread. I'd rather like to see the "disagree" button come back, perhaps labelled in a less confrontational manner. Something like- "I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be mistaken." Edit: tidying up copy and pasted line. Edited February 13, 2015 by bluebottle 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Welly Posted February 13, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 13, 2015 ^^^ Imagine the mess on the screen if a post got three different buttons pressed then someone presses that! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Dagworth Posted February 13, 2015 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 13, 2015 Maybe he can re label one to say Hit with a Stick instead. Very appropriate for some of the "jokes" on this thread. I said something very similar in t'other thread... http://www.rmweb.co.uk/community/index.php?/topic/95362-should-we-have-some-different-buttons/?p=1768178 Personally I'd like to see one of the buttons renamed so we had a 'Hit by mistake' and a 'slapped/thumped/kicked on purpose because that posting deserved it'... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted February 13, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) How do you know when the elephants have been making love in your garden? The grass is all flat and the bin-liners have gone And completely lowering the tone to sub-terranean in the elephant joke division.... (Read them quickly before the mods delete them.) What do elephants use for tampons? Sheep. Why have elephants got long trunks? Because sheep haven't got sewn in strings...... Cheers, Mick Edited February 13, 2015 by newbryford 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted February 13, 2015 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 13, 2015 Mummy Mummy, can we have a dog for Christmas? No, we're having turkey. same as everyone else Mummy, Mummy, why can't we give grandpa a decent burial? Shut up, and pull the chain! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted February 13, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 13, 2015 Mummy, Mummy, why can't we give grandpa a decent burial? Shut up, and pull the chain! Mummy, mummy, I don't like grandpa. That's OK dear, just leave him at the side of the plate and eat your greens........... Cheers, mick 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted February 13, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 13, 2015 And......... Mummy, Mummy, why is Daddy running away? Shut up and hand me another bullet............ Cheers, Mick Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Dagworth Posted February 14, 2015 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 14, 2015 Sheep. What's the definition of a sheep without any legs? A cloud Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted February 14, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 14, 2015 These 'jokes' are really scrapping the bottom of the barrel. I don't have any 7 year olds to go finding new content from their joke books, so I'm at a disadvantage. Or another good reason to bring back the disagree button or a perhaps a new 'jokes only' sub thread, 'groan button'. According to Dave Allen, there is two things that you ought to know about God. She's black. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catweasel Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Definition of confusion. Show an Irishman 3 shovels and tell him to take his pick. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted February 14, 2015 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 14, 2015 Or put him in a barrel and tell him to sit in the corner. Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndrewC Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Insert lame pickle joke about boy caught behind the shed with a jar of pickles. Gherkin off. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted February 14, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 14, 2015 Whats the difference between a Russian detective and a teenage schoolboy. One's a Rostov 'tec, and one's.................... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 So it was Friday night, my wife was half day and I finished at 4pm, we decided to eat out as she was meeting friends from her work later for a few drinks then they were going off to the cinema to watch the new release of 50 shades of Gray. We had our meal and I then dropped Caroline off at the bar where she met her friends and I said I would see her later that night at home. She returned home around midnight, very tipsy and in a romantic mood, I wonder why. I asked her what the movie was like and she smiled and said, I will show you, she took my hand and led me to the bedroom, she stripped off to her sexy undies and produced 2 pairs of handcuffs from her drawer asking me to tie her to the bed. I hand cuffed her spread armed on the bed and tied her legs open also. I whispered in her ear that I had left the lights on downstairs and would be back in a second. As I went down to the kitchen to switch off the lights, I noticed through the corner of my eye an un-opened bottle of "The Macallan" The Macallan The Macallan is one of the most highly revered whisky brands in the world. It is the third largest selling single malt whisky in the world and the second largest by value. The Macallan distillery is located in Craigellachie, Moray in the Highlands of Scotland were it was founded back in 1824. The distillery is home to its now famous small-stills which are made from traditional copper, the unusually small size of the stills gives the spirit a rich, full-bodied and fruity character. The stills are so famous in Scotland that they can be seen on the £10 bank note! From these stills, only 16% of the spirit produced makes it to the cask; The Macallan call this “the best of the best” and is testament to the distilleries dedication to high quality. This fine spirit is then matured in oak casks sourced from Spain and America, during this traditional maturation the whisky is gifted its rich colour – a characteristic typical of The Macallan range I thought to myself, I will have one quick dram before going up and opened the bottle, oh my god the taste, the taste was wonderful this was a Macallan 20 year old, malt cask, Old Malt Cask is a limited edition bottling from Hunter Laing, independent bottlers of some of the most noteworthy Scotches in the market. Each cask is hand picked and only casks of the highest quality are picked. The Macallan Distillery is situated right on the River Spey. The foundation for all Macallan lies with the 'new make' spirit; from the quality of the barley; a percentage of which is a variety called Minstrel for the exclusive use of The Macallan; to the soft spring water from boreholes on The Macallan estate, to the final distillation which contribute to The Macallan's distinctive rich, oily character and taste. This Old Malt Cask Macallan 20 year old was distilled in June 1993 and bottled in June 2013 from Refill Hogshead cask 9853. It is one of only 285 bottles so I poured another and sat in the living room and thought I would put the fire back on. 2 hours later and half way through the bottle I remembered she was up stairs so I nipped back up to tell her I would just be a minute as I was finishing a dram, but she was sound asleep, I quietly turned around and went back down stairs to finish what was a wonderful evening with The Macallan oh what a night Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
olivegreen Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 You've just given me an idea (and anyway, there's nothing on telly tonight). Thinks…not sure that SWMBO has any sexy undies any more, and I only have Glenlivet in the cupboard, but I suppose that will work. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
pH Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Geek joke: Q. Why do computer programmers get Halloween confused with Christmas? A. Because Oct31 = Dec25 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium jbqfc Posted February 14, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 14, 2015 'How do you feel about using toys in the bedroom?' she asked. 'Fine,' I said, 'But I can't see how we're going to fit a train set in here.' Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Abel Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Mummy, mummy, can I lick the bowl... NO, just pull the chain like everyone else... Mummy, mummy, can I play with grandma... NO, you 've dug her up twice already today!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
emac Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really *ucked up now.” 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonB Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 An Irish priest was transferred to Texas ..... Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day inhis new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroomto get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed therewas a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptlycalled the local police station.The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones.How might I help you?" "And the best of the day to yerself. This is FatherO'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in mefront lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to takecare of the matter?"Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing theforeign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father,replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people tookcare of the last rites!"There was dead silence on the line for a long moment....... Father O'Malleythen replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notifythe next of kin first, which is the reason for me call." 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold 96701 Posted February 18, 2015 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 18, 2015 One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door. Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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