raymw Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us". Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?" The girl leaned over and said "Burrr-Gurrr-King" 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 to coincide with the forth coming release heres Pam Ayres take on FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES The missus bought a Paperback,down Shepton Mallet way,I had a look inside her bag;...T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey". Well I just left her to it,And at ten I went to bed.An hour later she appeared;The sight filled me with dread. In her left hand she held a rope;And in her right a whip!She threw them down upon the floor,And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago;I might have had a peek;But Mabel hasn't weathered well;She's eighty four next week!! Watching Mabel bump and grind;Could not have been much grimmer.And things then went from bad to worse;She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet;A couple minutes later;She put her teeth back in and said"I am a dominator!!" Now if you knew our Mabel,You'd see just why I spluttered,I'd spent two months in tractionFor the last complaint I'd uttered. She stood there nude and nakedBent forward just a bitI went to hold her, sensual likeand stood on her left tit! Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;My God what had I done!She moaned and groaned then shouted out:"Step on the other one!!" Well readers, I can tell no more;Of what occurred that day.Suffice to say my jet black hair,Turned fifty shades of grey!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 I have just invented a kind of lightweight sandal for use by people with one leg. I think its going to be a flop Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Russ (mines a pint) Posted February 7, 2015 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 7, 2015 A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?" The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods." The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?" The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it." A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks. The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back." The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking, the fellow breaks into his problems. "I... I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!" The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar. The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 A European male will have s*x two or three times a week! A Japanese male will have s*x once or twice a year! This is upsetting several of my friends as they had no idea that they were Japanese! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Can't be ar5ed to check whether this has been posted before. If it has, just read it a second time!!!!!!!! Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is a sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some actually join in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out with his arm out stretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag on her lap and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper which she held up to him. "Ok" he said and she went on her way. Taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her and shouted "Stop! Have you got a valid tax disc from your vehicle madam?" Ethel dug into her handbag again and pulled out a beer-mat which she held up to him and he allowed her to carry on. Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. This one was stark naked and was holding a sizeable erection in his hand...... "Oh no", said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!" 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted February 8, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 8, 2015 Your right PGC, it has been posted before but Ethel was a mere slip of a girl then. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Your right PGC, it has been posted before but Ethel was a mere slip of a girl then. Poor Ethel must have deteriorated rapidly in the six months since PGC last posted this one, then! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 A little old lady was walking down the High Street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 note fell out onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Damn it!" said the little old lady."I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer." "Well, now, not so fast," said the policeman. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to Stokes Bay Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It really annoys me. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some golfer sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'Give me £20 or off it comes!' "Well, that seems only fair," said the policeman, laughing."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays" she replied! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom D Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 A trucker, who had been out on the road for three straight weeks, stopped at a brothel outside Vegas. He walked straight up to the Madam, plopped down $500.00 and said, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich. The Madam was astonished. She said, "OK, sir, but do you know that for that kind of money you could have two of my finest ladies, plus a three-course meal??" The trucker replied, "Listen, sweetie. I ain't horny, I'm homesick!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted February 11, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 11, 2015 What's black and white and read(red) all over? Four nuns with chainsaws......... Cheers, Mick Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted February 11, 2015 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 11, 2015 A zebra crossing with a hit and run victim. Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
fender Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 what's green and yellow and red all over? -a frog in a blender Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 If you're easily offended, what are you doing reading this post (or even the thread!?) Mr and Mrs Santa Claus in bed. Mrs Claus say's "It's true, every year Christmas comes earlier!) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Entering into the spirit.. What goes Black White Black White Black Brown Black Brown Black Black A nun on a spit. Jim Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted February 11, 2015 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 11, 2015 what's green and yellow and red all over? -a frog in a blender Alternative version. What changes from red to green at the push of a button? Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted February 11, 2015 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 11, 2015 Well, as we seem to have sunk somewhat; What goes "now you see me, now you don't, now you see me, now you dont" ? A zebra crossing a zebra crossing. Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 For God's sake, Andy, why haven't you got us a groan button, yet? Phil 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 OK, then, if you can't beat them, join them! Q - Why do monkey's paint their test1cles red? A - So they can hide in cherry trees. Q - What's the loudest noise in the jungle? A - Giraffes eating cherries. So what's the difference between an elephant and a post box? What do you mean you don't know. Just as well I'm not asking you post a letter then. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 You asked for it!! What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?? ...Here come the elephants. What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?? ...Nothing, he didn't recognize them!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Q - Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow? A - So they can hide upside down in a bowl of custard. Q - Have you ever seen an elephant with the soles of it's feet painted yellow hiding upside down in a bowl of custard? No? Proves it works, then! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Q - Why is it dangerous to walk through the dessert between 2 & 4pm on a Thursday afternoon? A - The elephants are practising their parachute jumping. Q - Why has the crocodile got a flat nose? A - He walked through the dessert ............ Oh God, I'm losing the will to live typing this lot out, perhaps I'll stop now!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allegheny1600 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Ok then!?! How do you get four elephants in a mini? . . . . . . Two in the front, two in the back! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allegheny1600 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 You asked for it!! What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?? ...Here come the elephants. What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?? ...Nothing, he didn't recognize them!!! What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance? "Aha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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