The Forum Jokes Thread

[EHertsGER]

 

steve

[EHertsGER]

You mean concatenate the process...?

"In formal language theory and computer programming, string concatenation is the operation of joining character strings end-to-end. For example, the concatenation of "snow" and "ball" is "snowball". In some but not all formalisations of concatenation theory, also called string theory, string concatenation is a primitive notion."

 

So I attempted to play on the 'cat' in the middle to summarise the process of putting more than one cat into a box at the same time.

 

Well, it was a good idea at the time...

[kevinlms]

Unfortunately the man who invented the jug died this morning.

 

Condolences are pouring in.

Has it filled to capacity yet?

 

Or has it reached boiling point?

[Enterprisingwestern]

"In formal language theory and computer programming, string concatenation is the operation of joining character strings end-to-end. For example, the concatenation of "snow" and "ball" is "snowball". In some but not all formalisations of concatenation theory, also called string theory, string concatenation is a primitive notion."

 

So I attempted to play on the 'cat' in the middle to summarise the process of putting more than one cat into a box at the same time.

 

Well, it was a good idea at the time...

 

Sometimes on the forum it's best to realise the horse is deceased and to stop thrashing it!

 

Mike.

[Titan]

What was it you were planning to teach my grandma anyway...?

Something to do with eggs perhaps?

[PhilJ W]

That reminds me of the time one night when in a 30 mph zone I came up behind a car doing about 17 mph containing an elderly couple. As soon as the road ahead was clear I changed down and floored the accelerator to pass them. As I did so I saw the flash of a speed camera and as my speed was something like 40 mph I fully expected a letter in the post. That letter never came, I've always wondered if the other driver got a letter instead. 

[luckymucklebackit]

That reminds me of the time one night when in a 30 mph zone I came up behind a car doing about 17 mph containing an elderly couple. As soon as the road ahead was clear I changed down and floored the accelerator to pass them. As I did so I saw the flash of a speed camera and as my speed was something like 40 mph I fully expected a letter in the post. That letter never came, I've always wondered if the other driver got a letter instead. 

Not every camera is loaded up with film, but it will still flash, guess you just got lucky

 

JIm

[PhilJ W]

I wonder what they would make of this going through a speed camera.

[Sidecar Racer]

Instant penalty speed camera . 

 

 

[Lord Flashheart]

Note left on fridge.......

 

My Dear wife

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54, can no longer satisfy.

I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening at the Comfort Inn Hotel with Chantelle, my 18 year old secretary

Please don't be upset, I shall be home before midnight.

 

When man returns home he find the following letter on the kitchen table

 

My Dear husband

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54.

As you know, I am a mathematics teacher at our local college.

I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students and assistant rugby coach.

He is young, virile and like your secretary also 18.

As a successful business man with a mathematical brain you will understand that we are in the same situation, with one small difference

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!

Therefore I won't be home until sometime tomorrow.

,

[69843]

I wonder what they would make of this going through a speed camera.

What an utterly rubbish car!

 

(Someone had to say it!)

[PLD]

What an utterly rubbish car!

 

(Someone had to say it!)

 

You mean that isn't an advert for the new Skoda?!?

[bluebottle]

You mean that isn't an advert for the new Skoda?!?

 

I think that Volkswagen's takeover and upgrading of the Škoda brand has rendered that joke somewhat obsolete.

[Tony_S]

I think that Volkswagen's takeover and upgrading of the Škoda brand has rendered that joke somewhat obsolete.

Actually I believe the director misunderstood the instruction to create a new series of "Skippy".

[PhilJ W]

Actually Skodas were quite good cars when compared to what was on offer at the same time. The last rear engined models were in many respects superior to many of their competitors. What let them down was the low initial price which was a way for the Comecon countries to obtain western currencies. This resulted in a 'Its cheap so it must be nasty' attitude in countries where they were sold. This also caused second hand prices to plummet, there was an element of truth in the old joke about doubling the value of a Skoda by filling the tank.

[andytrains]

The old Skodas were OK if they did not go out in the rain.

If they did they sort of rusted and fell apart.

[luckymucklebackit]

The old Skodas were OK if they did not go out in the rain.

If they did they sort of rusted and fell apart.

 

Ladas, they were the poor mans Skoda,

 

What do you call a Lada with twin exhausts - A wheelbarrow

What do you call a Lada with a Sunroof - A skip

Why do Ladas have a heated rear window - To keep your hands warm when you push them

[PGC]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

 

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

 

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

 

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

 

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[Colin_McLeod]

He died of an overdose of viagra. His wife took it very hard.

[peanuts]

Recently saw a bumper sticker on an old 2cv "iam a vegetarian so I drive like an animal " made me stop and think there must be a lot of gynocolagists driving Audis today .

[BOARD OF TRADE]

Many years ago I was defending a young lad at Court.He was standing trial for unlawful taking of a motor vehicle.I met him at Court and went through the evidence against him which was overwhelming and asked him why he was insistent on standing trial when it was inevitable that he would be found guilty.I pointed out to him as someone who was no stranger to the Courts he must realize this.He said that I simply didn't understand and it was not guilty all the way no matter the obvious outcome.I still coulnt understand his attitude so I again asked him why and pointed out that his mates had all come to Court and said that if I'd noticed the make of car involved I would understand why he couldnt plead guilty in front of his mates.The car was LADA and it would have ruined hus street "cred" to admit taking a LADA...true story.

[EHertsGER]

Opposites...explains it all...?

 

Al Khali

 

vs.

 

Hasid

[QRModeller]

Bloke is at work one day when he notices one of his co-workers is wearing an earring.  Knowing his co-worker is of the conservative type, he's curious about this sudden change in fashion sense.  So he walks up to him and says "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring", his co-worker replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but curiosity gets the better of him and he asks "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

 

 

 

 

Matt.

[luckymucklebackit]

A mother is invited by her son, Anthony, for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. "

So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony.

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama

[luckymucklebackit]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,

'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.....