EHertsGER Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 Cats etc...again... Q. How many cats can you fit into an empty box 12" x 12" x 12" (a cube shaped box, that is)? A. One (...I can wait...) Q. If the average frog can leap 24" in 2 seconds at a time and there are a sufficient number of lily pads spaced at roughly 18" intervals around a pond six feet in diameter, how long will it take a frog dead in the center of the pond to reach the edge? A. It will never reach the edge. Q. What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A. One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause. Q. Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't? A. Your lap. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted September 30, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 30, 2014 A recent article in the 'Dominion Post' reported that a woman had sued Wellington Hospital, NZ. saying that after her husband had surgery there he lost all interest in sex. The hospital stated that her husband had only been admitted for cataract surgery and all they did was correct his eyesight. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 Cats etc...again... Q. How many cats can you fit into an empty box 12" x 12" x 12" (a cube shaped box, that is)? A. One (...I can wait...) Q. If the average frog can leap 24" in 2 seconds at a time and there are a sufficient number of lily pads spaced at roughly 18" intervals around a pond six feet in diameter, how long will it take a frog dead in the center of the pond to reach the edge? A. It will never reach the edge. Q. What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A. One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause. Q. Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't? A. Your lap. One cat..after that it is not empty.. The frog is dead in the center of the pond. Dead frogs can't jump Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 One cat..after that it is not empty.. The frog is dead in the center of the pond. Dead frogs can't jump But is the cat alive or dead Mr Schrödinger? 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 There is a differance in a 'dead frog in the centre' and 'a frog dead in the centre'. If you was never learnt english properly, you won't know that. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arthur Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 How about; a frog, dead, in the centre.... Where's Lyn Truss when you need her? Anyway, It's just a joke/riddle gents, not a grammar lesson. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 I guess she's out shooting leaves, or leaving shutes, or whatever. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 But is the cat alive or dead Mr Schrödinger? Yes 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 One could put in two or more cats simultaneously . Ask a silly question, we'll be as silly as you like for as long as you like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 There is a differance in a 'dead frog in the centre' and 'a frog dead in the centre'. If you was never learnt english properly, you won't know that. Neither require DPDT switches but are not the best for electrical conductivity on short wheelbase locomotives 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 The Atheist and the Bear An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. 'What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!', he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!...' Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: 'You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?' The atheist looked directly into the light. 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?' 'Very well, 'said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: 'Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen.' 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 (edited) A still and some dialogue from a forthcoming docudrama: “The Chief wants us to go ahead with the streamlined 'Lizzie', Tom." “Hmm... still not sure about the streamlining, though, Robin." “Oh, yes, I think I've cracked that – I had a bit of a ”Eureka!” moment as I was getting into the bathtub last night. Anyway, here's the Chief's fag packet; lets try to work it up into a set of working drawings by the time he gets back from his holidays ...” Edit: punctuation. Edited October 3, 2014 by bluebottle Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Dagworth Posted October 2, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted October 2, 2014 (edited) News Flash from the Isle of WIGHT: The Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the east coast of JERSEY today. This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from England towards the Middle East ! Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Brits who were all seniors of pension age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to the Middle East so as to be able to return to the UK as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate UK pensioners. The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey. We are booking the next boat out soon, let me know if you want to come. Illegal immigrants DON'T get ANY benefits, they are here illegally and thus aren't known about by the 'System'... Illegal immigrants are not the same as asylum seekers please stop spreading racist crap Edited October 2, 2014 by Dagworth Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted October 2, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 2, 2014 Illegal immigrants DON'T get ANY benefits, they are here illegally and thus aren't known about by the 'System'... Illegal immigrants are not the same as asylum seekers please stop spreading racist crap Better still. Actually carry out the suggested action! 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
kandc_au Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 Illegal immigrants DON'T get ANY benefits, they are here illegally and thus aren't known about by the 'System'... Illegal immigrants are not the same as asylum seekers please stop spreading racist crap It's a joke for Godsake...get over it! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 It's a joke for Godsake...get over it! I know it's a joke, you know it's a joke; I would think that pretty much everybody who follows these forums knows what it is. However, there are those at large in this land of the "It's funny because it's true" persuasion, and sometimes we must forego this type of joke rather than risk appearing to support them. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 How about; a frog, dead, in the centre.... Where's Lyn Truss when you need her? Anyway, It's just a joke/riddle gents, not a grammar lesson. What was it you were planning to teach my grandma anyway...? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 One could put in two or more cats simultaneously . Ask a silly question, we'll be as silly as you like for as long as you like. You mean concatenate the process...? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold 96701 Posted October 3, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted October 3, 2014 Unfortunately the man who invented the jug died this morning. Condolences are pouring in. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
travelintrev Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 This is just too funny - scary how true it is!!! If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull... But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, And it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted October 3, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 3, 2014 Unfortunately the man who invented the jug died this morning. Condolences are pouring in. More evidence your honour of the need for a groan button. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stanley Melrose Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 It's a joke for Godsake...get over it! Mr Farage is a joke . . . isn't he? Or have I misread something? Oh yes, his family were once immigrants from France. Stan Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 steve 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 What was it you were planning to teach my grandma anyway...? "Not a grandma lesson..." 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 (edited) ...and news of the soap factory that was severly damaged by flood waters. The walls collapsed with a thickening sud... (See previous posts involving Basil Brush) Edited October 4, 2014 by EHertsGER 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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