The Forum Jokes Thread

[Enterprisingwestern]

Alex Salmond was right. Scotland are still using the pound..............

 

Cheers,

Mick

 

Although not much.

 

Mike.

[raymw]

A Shoebox of Money Story

 

 

 

A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

 

-----

 

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling £95,000. He asked her about the contents.

 

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

 

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him twice in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness."Honey," he said "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

 

"Oh, that?" she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

[PGC]

Be happy when you have two arms and hands

 

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide so he got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

 

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
 

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
 

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

The first man asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"

The second man said, "I'm NOT happy. My ba!ls itch."
 

[PGC]

A Shoebox of Money Story

 

 

 

A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

 

-----

 

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling £95,000. He asked her about the contents.

 

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

 

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him twice in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness."Honey," he said "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

 

"Oh, that?" she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

 

 

The version I heard was:

 

A man and a woman had been married for more than 30 years. On their wedding day, the man put a shoe box under the bed and told his wife that if she truly trusted him, she would never open it,

 

For all of the years they'd been married, the wife had trusted her husband, but on their thirtieth wedding anniversary, curiosity eventually got the better of her and she opened the box. Inside, she found three empty beer cans and a stack of money totalling £95,000. 

 

That evening, the couple went for a romantic dinner, and the woman found a very sensitive way of telling her husband what she'd done. He didn't appear upset, so she ventured further and asked what the empty beer cans were for. His reply was that every time he'd been unfaithful, he'd put an empty beer can in the box to remind himself never to be unfaithful again.

 

The woman was quite taken aback by this but still had the composure to say that in view of his appetite for s3x, to be unfaithful just three times in thirty years was quite astounding and totally acceptable to her. The husband was quite touched by this, the meal carried on and a short whiie later the wife asked about the money.

 

The husband replied "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre!"

[raymw]

PGC, at a penny a can, that's going some...

[luckymucklebackit]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.'

 

jim

[PGC]

PGC, at a penny a can, that's going some...

 

Not by my standards, it's not!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

Phil

[jon_1066]

A penny a can, thirty years , that makes ... 36 infidelities per hour.  Even Russel Brand would struggle to keep that up!

Edited September 25, 2014 by jon_1066

[PGC]

Not sure if this is considered a joke, but it certainly made me burst out laughing. Watch right ot the end.

 

Phil

[PGC]

An ode for those who lie the gadgets!

 

 

 

 

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

 

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty Kilometers an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".

 

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
      

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the off.

[Tom D]

A Doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives we should always finish things we start. Since we could all use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I’d started and hadn”t finished…..

 

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a boddle of Baileeeys, a butle of wum, the mainder of Valiuminun scriptins an a bux of choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite nuw.

 

Sned thisss to all ur frenz who neeed innner piss, an tel um u luvum!

[EHertsGER]

An ode for those who lie the gadgets!

 

 

 

 

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

 

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive

"It's sixty Kilometers an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".

 

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear

And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed

It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

      

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then, I could turn the ###### off.

I used to have a GPS thing...a 'girlfriend pointing system' - "go that way..." now I have one of these things...

[EHertsGER]

One day a chap decided to try skydiving (not my thing, but there you are...).

 

Leaping out of the aeroplane accomplished, the time came to pull the ripcord. At this point things did not go according to plan at all, as the parachute fluttered rather pointlessly above him. Undeterred, he pulled the chord to release the emergency parachute. Out poured a flask and some cheese sandwiches, doing nothing to improve the man's situation.

 

Perplexed for a while he had little choice but to search for inspiration as he plummeted earthwards.

 

Uninspired for a moment or two he was on the verge of accepting his fate when he spotted a man coming towards him. Thinking there was little to be lost, he called out, optimistically

 

"Sorry to bother you, but do you know anything about parachutes..?"

 

Not wishing to offend the hapless skydiver, the approaching man replied

 

"Sorry, not a thing, old boy.." then, searching for a solution to his own predicament, continued by asking "Do you know anyhting about gas boilers...?"

[EHertsGER]

Not sure if this is considered a joke, but it certainly made me burst out laughing. Watch right ot the end.

 

Phil

So much for those 'shunting puzzle' layouts, then...

[BoD]

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

To stay on the same side.

[Allegheny1600]

This one seems to be doing the rounds but can't remember it on here!

 

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't
even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
milling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I
blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I
am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[Allegheny1600]

As a truck driver stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says " Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are LOSING SOME OF YOUR LOAD! "
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door, driver winds down his window and again she says "HI MY NAME IS HEATHER, AND YOU ARE LOSING SOME OF YOUR LOAD!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it he says...
Hi my name is Mark, it's winter time here and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!

[Bill]

HOW TO WASH A CAT

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8th cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘Power-Wash’ and ‘Rinse’.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Faithfully

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Your Dog

Edited September 27, 2014 by Bill

[bluebottle]

HOW TO WASH A CAT

 

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8th cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘Power-Wash’ and ‘Rinse’.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

 

Yours Faithfully

Your Dog

 

I tried this on our cat after somebody posted this on here back in April.

 

Seemed to work up to "streak through the bathroom, and run outside ..."

 

Haven't seen the cat since.

[andytrains]

New European Union Directive:-

So that countries can meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency (Euro), all persons in the UK must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not acceptable after 31st December 2014 .

 

The correct phrase after 31st December 2014 will be 'Euronating'.

 

 

Thank God we are not joining.

[andytrains]

HOW TO WASH A CAT

 

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8th cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘Power-Wash’ and ‘Rinse’.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

 

Yours Faithfully

 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Your Dog

Tried this today.

 

Worked well but the kids were holding the doors open so the cat took chunks out of their ankles on the way out.

Had to take them to casualty, where they had stitches to their wounds and they had to have tetanus injections.

They cried more than the cat did.

 

C'est la vie

[black5f]

Couple go to a Chinese restaurant and order the Chicken Surprise, it arrives in a cast iron pot with a lid.

Wife goes to serve herself and the lid pops oped just a little and she can see a beady pair of eyes just before the lid slams shut.

Did you see that she asks her husband, there's something it  there. Her husband goes to take a portion and the lid creeps open again to reveal a beady pair of eyes looking at him from within the pot just before it slams shut.

He calls the waiter over and says that there was something wrong. The waiter says it's OK, it's chicken surprise. Then, the lid opens again a little and they all see the beady pair of eyes looking at them before the lid slams shut.

Oh, very sorry says the waiter, you've been given the wrong dish.

This is Peeking duck.

[shortliner]

News Flash from the Isle of WIGHT:

The Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the east coast of JERSEY today.

This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from

England towards the Middle East !

Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Brits who were all seniors of pension age.

Their claim was that they were trying to get to the Middle East so as to be able to return to the UK

as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as

legitimate UK pensioners.

The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey.

We are booking the next boat out soon, let me know if you want to come.

[Welly]

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Edited September 29, 2014 by Welly

[peanuts]

A young lady walks into a supermarket, on her way round she sees the bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a pub.

He was stacking washing powder boxes onto the shelves.

"You lying toad" she yells" last night you told me you were a stunt pilot"

"No" he says "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team"