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The Forum Jokes Thread

Colin_McLeod

By Colin_McLeod,
in Wheeltappers

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Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

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luckymucklebackit

luckymucklebackit

Posted
Posted (edited)

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents;
embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things.
But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

Edited by luckymucklebackit
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John_Hughes

John_Hughes

Posted
Posted

The irony is algebra is an Arabic word.

 

Cheers

David

 

Two words, actually - The restoration.

 

To be boring for a moment, if you have an equation where:

 

x - 15 = 30

 

it can be solved by 'restoring' the15 to the right-hand side of the equation, so that x = 45.

 

Easy-peasy! (But I thought that protractors, rulers and compasses were used in geometry, not algebra...)

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PGC

PGC

Posted
Posted

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night, so I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy."

 

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears".

 

"How much do you charge?"

 

"Fifty pounds per visit", replied the shrink.

 

"I'll sleep on it", I said.

 

Six months later the shrink met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?", he asked.

 

"Well, fifty pounds a visit, three times a week for a year is £7,800, but a bartender cured me for £10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car."

 

"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude, the shrink said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

 

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now!”

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Londontram

Londontram

Posted
Posted

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out Of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, A dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!"

She cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

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pH

pH

Posted
Posted

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

 

.... 

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

 

Please see http://www.rmweb.co.uk/community/index.php?/topic/741-the-forum-new-jokes-thread/page-10&do=findComment&comment=250786

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Londontram

Londontram

Posted
Posted

Fair point pH but it was 4 years ago I wasn't even a member then and judging by the 12 funny icons I'm not the only one who hadn't heard it before and besides my life is a bit to full to sit and go through 4 years of jokes just in case.

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bluebottle

bluebottle

Posted
Posted

I was going to point out that one can check whether a joke has been posted before by typing a keyword or two into the search box at the top right hand corner of the page.

Then I realised that somebody was bound to do that to see whether I'd posted that advice before.

Then I considered it probable that somebody else would do that to see whether I'd posted that sentence before ...

Then I thought it likely that somebody else again would do that to see whether I'd posted this sentence before ...

 

..........................

 

Ah, forget it.

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andytrains

andytrains

Posted
Posted

Thanks to Ted Robbins.

 

 

What's the similarity between Salford and Las Vegas?

 

In both places, you can use chips to buy loose women....................

 

Cheers,

Mick

Hope so, I am at Expo EM north this weekend. Not too far from Salford!!!!!!!

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Tom D

Tom D

Posted
Posted

The Grandfather was charged with looking after his Grandson while the mother was out shopping. Granddad was more than happy to sit in his lounger outside, watching, while his 6 year old Grandson played in the garden. The Grandson managed to locate a rather large earthworm and remove it from its hole. Upon seeing this, the Grandfather quipped “I will give you $10 if you can put the earthworm back into its hole”.

 

The Grandson, was intrigued by this challenge, and more than motivated by the possibility of $10, so after giving some serious thought to the matter, he disappeared inside, only to reappear a few minutes later with his older sisters hairspray. By giving the earthworm a few coats of his sisters’ hairspray the worm became rigid, and the boy easily dropped the rigid worm back into the hole.

The Grandfather was very impressed with his Grandsons ingenuity, and forked over the $10.

 

The next day, Granddad was tasked gain with watching over his Grandson, as he went outside, he pulled out his wallet and paid the boy $10. His Grandson was aware that Granddad sometimes forgot things, and being the honest boy that he was, said “Thanks Granddad, but you already paid me yesterday”.

 

Granddad responded, “That’s not from me, its’ from your Grandmother”!

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kevinlms

kevinlms

Posted
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Arthur is 85 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathises and has a suggestion. "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good,"sighs Arthur. "Your brother is 92. He can't help."
"He may be 92," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees off, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball ?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"Can't remember."

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