The Forum Jokes Thread

[luckymucklebackit]

Franks Story...

 

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Frank: Holy , what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These char o's are crazy.

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

Judge One: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Frank: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry

Judge One: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge Two: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

Frank: Call Sellafield, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting -faced from all the beer.

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

Judge One: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

Judge One: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge Two: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those char o's!

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.

Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

Judge One: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

Judge One: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

Frank: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[sir douglas]

UP yours 

[PGC]

A cowboy, who had just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.  He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.  When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.  It would taste better if you bought one at a time."  The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.  One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.  When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.  So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."  The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.  He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.  All the regulars take notice and fall silent.  When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I've had to quit drinking."  "Hasn't affected my brothers though."
 

[PGC]

You've got to have a Positive Attitude.

 

On Thursday night he gradually came to. Stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious car accident.

She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

He somehow managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your t!ts, then?”

 

Now that's Positive Attitude!   

[PhilJ W]

You've got to have a Positive Attitude.

 

On Thursday night he gradually came to. Stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious car accident.

 

She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

 

He somehow managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your t!ts, then?”

 

Now that's Positive Attitude!   

I hope he didn't have any sticky plaster on anything hairy and sensitive.

[andytrains]

Yes, it's that time of year to prepare for the return of Little Johnny. Roll on September; if this is how he starts the term, I'm sure he's going to be on fine form for the rest of the year!!!

 

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

 

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

 

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

 

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

 

Little Johnny raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly... 'I think the man would have said - 'Well, F*ck Me!! A talking pig!'

 

Which was not a very nice thing to say about his teacher. (Even if she was an old p--).

[luckymucklebackit]

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

[bluebottle]

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

 

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

 

The priest nearly had an accident.

 

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

 

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

 

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

 

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

 

Sorry, but you've got the ending wrong. It should have read:

 

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129, and, while he was scratching his head, the nun was saying to herself:

 

"Oh dammit, did I say Psalm 129? I meant Luke 14:10! Oh well, where did I put my ######?"

 

 

(Note: don't bother looking it up unless you've got the Catholic Douay-Rheims translation of the Vulgate. That's a real hoot!)

[PGC]

I fear that this may ring truer for some of us than we dare like to admit!

 

A  group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Bridgnorth because the waitresses had big busts & wore mini skirts.

 
Ten  years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Bridgnorth because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should  meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Bridgnorth because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money

Ten years later,  at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for  lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Bridgnorth because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and  had a lift for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Bridgnorth because they had never been there before.

[GarrettTheThief]

An explosion blew a hole in the Statue of Lenin.

 

That left a nasty Marx.

 

...

 

...

 

I'll see myself out.

[luckymucklebackit]

Just heard that the Arachnophobia society have had to close down their website as members were afraid to go near it.

 

Think about it

[andytrains]

Thought us computer lovers, would have more of a fear called Musophobia!!!!

[Londontram]

Me and the wife were supposed to go to a lecture about natural birth control at the local health center but the speaker had to pull out at the last minute

[Shedman5]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
 company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
 asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
 creature?'

 Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
 there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
 creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to
 donate to them for the service?'

 Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
 me the dog was Catholic?

[QRModeller]

What is the definition of an archaeologist?

 

Someone who's career lies in ruins!

 

 

 

 

Matt.

[Londontram]

Whats the definition of a farmer?

 

Someone who's outstanding in his field

[Colin_McLeod]

What is the definition of an archaeologist?

 

Someone who's career lies in ruins!

 

 

 

 

Matt.

 

And who lives in digs.  

[69843]

I was sure that I saw a groan button around here somewhere......

[BoD]

And who lives in digs.  

Either that or goes home to mummy.

[Londontram]

Just saw an interview with the man who invented the vibrator, he says he got the idea after hearing voices in his head saying "If you build it they will come"

[Taz]

'Don't believe quotes you read on the internet. You can never validate their source'

 

              -Abraham Lincoln.

Edited August 29, 2014 by Taz

[raymw]

Subject: The Tesco Doctor


One day, in the queue at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike,
”My elbow hurts like hell; I suppose I'd better see a doctor!”
Mike says: “Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery.
There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and
the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points.”


So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity and it will improve in two weeks.”
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack wondered if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin.

The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco!

 

 

[C&WR]

Reminds me of the one about the Prep School that had the swimming pool water tested.  The answer came back, "your horse has diabetes."

[Shedman5]

Prince Charles is visiting a Glasgow hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle.."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 31, 2014 by Shedman5

[sir douglas]

another repeat shedman, but funny