EHertsGER Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 (edited) Has anyone noticed how Basil's 'Mr Derek' went on to be Bernard Wooley in 'Yes Minister' then to Sgt Blaketon in 'Heartbeat'? Surely this says something about the great British 'establishment'....? Oh, but, my apologies - did I just have a subversive thought about 'Mr David' Cameron and 'Basil' Clegg??? Dear me, no... Best, Marcus Edited August 22, 2014 by EHertsGER Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Perhaps best expressed in the words of Basil's inspiration, Terry Thomas: 'Frightful shower...' (Can't do the voice...) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Oh, dear, he's off.... 'Mr Barack' and 'Basil' Biden... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced lemons and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!""Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little sod. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks."No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender."Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first..." 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 "I say, I say, I say..." (Just from that intro you can tell this going to be bad) Q. "Why do elephants have big ears...?" Q: So why do elephants paint their testic!es red? A: So they can hide in cherry trees. Q: So what's the loudest noise in the jungle? A: Giraffes eating cherries. Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow? A: So they can hide upside down in a bowl of custard. Q: Have you ever seen an elephant with the soles of it's feet painted yellow hiding upside down in a bowl of custard? A: Proves it works then!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted August 22, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 22, 2014 Q: So why do elephants paint their testic!es red? A: So they can hide in cherry trees. Q: So what's the loudest noise in the jungle? A: Giraffes eating cherries. Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow? A: So they can hide upside down in a bowl of custard. Q: Have you ever seen an elephant with the soles of it's feet painted yellow hiding upside down in a bowl of custard? A: Proves it works then!!!!! Groan button urgently required. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simon G Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Apologies if you have seen this (or similar) before, but it is so appropriate just now: The Queen is in Glasgow at the Commonwealth Games and she bumped into Alex Salmond.HMtQ: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence ? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King?HMtQ: No, we don’t like that.AS: Empire, and I'll be Emperor?HMtQ: No.AS: Alright, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince?HMtQ: No Mr Salmond, I suggest we call it a Country. 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted August 22, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 22, 2014 (edited) Why do elephants live in herds? To get a bulk buy discount on red and yellow paint. Edited August 22, 2014 by BoD 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Q: So why do elephants paint their testic!es red? A: So they can hide in cherry trees. Q: So what's the loudest noise in the jungle? A: Giraffes eating cherries. Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow? A: So they can hide upside down in a bowl of custard. Q: Have you ever seen an elephant with the soles of it's feet painted yellow hiding upside down in a bowl of custard? A: Proves it works then!!!!! Not so much of a joke, but in a similar vein...but why do the 'Chelsea tractor' crowd insist on putting 'roo bars on their trucks? Never seen a 'roo in the Kings Road so I guess they must work... Here in the USA where 'SUVs' exist in plague-like quantities a 'roo bar is regarded as the height of silliness - and that is in the USA, where silliness must have been invented... 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
69843 Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 (edited) Not so much of a joke, but in a similar vein...but why do the 'Chelsea tractor' crowd insist on putting 'roo bars on their trucks? Never seen a 'roo in the Kings Road so I guess they must work... Here in the USA where 'SUVs' exist in plague-like quantities a 'roo bar is regarded as the height of silliness - and that is in the USA, where silliness must have been invented... See? All the Kangaroos have come running scared to Australia, where a 'Roo bar is now required as a result Edited August 23, 2014 by 69843 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 See? All the Kangaroos have come running scared to Australia, where a 'Roo bar is now required as a result Ah! I see now - I was puzzled when I heard that the Aussies had to have Rhubarb fixed on the fronts of their trucks. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted August 23, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 23, 2014 Two tigers walking down the High Street. One says to the other "Not many people about". 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted August 23, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 23, 2014 The new password COMPUTER Enter new password USER cabbage COMP password must contain at least 8 letters USER boiledcabbage COMP password must contain at least one numeric character USER 1 boiledcabbage COMP no spaces permitted USER 50boiledbloodycabbages COMP password must contain upper case characters USER 50boiledBLOODYcabbages COMP no consecutive upper case characters allowed USER 50BoiledBloodyCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow! COMP password must not contain punctuation USER ReallyPissedOff50BoiledBloodyCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow COMP password already in use 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 The Theory of Intelligence I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this .. ((should be image from 'cheers' here)) 'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.' Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted August 23, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 23, 2014 New Password Mark 2 COMPUTER The password must be eight characters and include upper and lower case USER Snow White and the seven dwarfs Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 (edited) See? All the Kangaroos have come running scared to Australia, where a 'Roo bar is now required as a resultI thought in Australia a 'roo bar was a place one went to express astonishment that 'Strewth, there are a lot of pommie 'roos out there looking scared of my ute. Gimme a beer...' ...or something like that. If I have offended any Australians, please take it out on us on the cricket pitch...again... Best, Marcus Edited August 23, 2014 by EHertsGER Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Ah! I see now - I was puzzled when I heard that the Aussies had to have Rhubarb fixed on the fronts of their trucks. Well that would explain why we never see Roobarb on TV any more - poor creature was crossing the road and some cruel person failed to stop.... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pacific231G Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Not so much of a joke, but in a similar vein...but why do the 'Chelsea tractor' crowd insist on putting 'roo bars on their trucks? Never seen a 'roo in the Kings Road so I guess they must work... Here in the USA where 'SUVs' exist in plague-like quantities a 'roo bar is regarded as the height of silliness - and that is in the USA, where silliness must have been invented.. It's to ensure that any plebs they run over never get up again (Definitely not a joke and not just stupid but lethally stupid. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allegheny1600 Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 An Italian and a Greek were discussing who had had the better civilisation. Italian "We had the Colosseum in Rome" Greek "Well, we had the Parthenon in Athens and the theatre at Epidavros" Italian "We had Michaelangelo the artist and Leonardo de Vinci the inventor" Greek "We had Archimedes the inventor, Plato the thinker and Achilles the warrior" Italian "We had the Roman Empire, the worlds greatest and longest lasting empire ever" Greek "We invented sex" Italian "Ah! but we thought of doing it with women" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
69843 Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 An Italian and a Greek were discussing who had had the better civilisation. Italian "We had the Colosseum in Rome" Greek "Well, we had the Parthenon in Athens and the theatre at Epidavros" Italian "We had Michaelangelo the artist and Leonardo de Vinci the inventor" Greek "We had Archimedes the inventor, Plato the thinker and Achilles the warrior" Italian "We had the Roman Empire, the worlds greatest and longest lasting empire ever" Greek "We invented sex" Italian "Ah! but we thought of doing it with women" First heard that on QI, and makes me laugh every time I hear it! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astockfan101 Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 What do you call a fat cat? A cab Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Yes, it's that time of year to prepare for the return of Little Johnny. Roll on September; if this is how he starts the term, I'm sure he's going to be on fine form for the rest of the year!!! A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'Little Johnny raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly... 'I think the man would have said - 'Well, F*ck Me!! A talking pig!' Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends.And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.At other times the little word has real special meaning..People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special..A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to shut UP! 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGC Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 HELGA'S DIARY OF A HOLIDAY ON A CRUISE SHIPDEAR DIARY - DAY 1All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, and short sets.Really, really excited. Our local WI group - The Late Bloomers - decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!----------------------------------------------------DEAR DIARY - DAY 2Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins.Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.----------------------------------------------------DEAR DIARY - DAY 3At the pool today. Did some quoits, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.---------------------------------------------------DEAR DIARY - DAY 4Won £800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.----------------------------------------------------DEAR DIARY - DAY 5Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.Again I declined. He told me that if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.----------------------------------------------------DEAR DIARY - DAY 6Today I saved 2600 lives.Twice. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .. There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.' It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning.. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.. A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to shut UP! Up Main Up Goods Up Slow Up Fast.........I could go on and on!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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