The Forum Jokes Thread

[Colin_McLeod]

Follow on from EHertsGER

 

 

At one joke session, someone stood up and said "Number 87"

 

Response from the audience:

 

"Ha Ha Ha Ha. - Thats brilliant. I never heard that one before."

[EHertsGER]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

 

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

 

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

 

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

 

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a beautiful young blonde stepped out.

 

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother"

[kevinlms]

I had occasion to visit a local shopping centre today, where I found by need that the Men's toilet had closed for renovations.
OK there was a sign that said that the temporary Men's toilets were at the other end. So far so good.

Near these toilets was a sign indicating that these were former Ladies Toilets, but now for the use of men. These usage was clarified by the first sign.

 

OK, unusual wording, but the meaning is clearish.

 

 

On passing through the first door, I was greeted by the 2nd sign, which I thought was absolutely hilarious!

 

 

I should explain that in the 'middle of the car park', there is one of those stainless steel public toilets, that are springing up all over Melbourne. But the sign certainly didn't advise that!


I don't normally take photos in the Men's toilet, but I couldn't resist on this occasion!

[shortliner]

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

 

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated

him out of $10,000,000.00.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the

first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would

therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10

million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The

Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The

lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are

talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,

"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown

briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

 

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE LAWYERS????

[Adams442T]

A Minister decided on a good way to impress his congregation with the perils of leading a sinful life.

 

He thought a visual presentation would be both modern and clearly understood by all

 

So he started off with 4 worms in jars

 

The first was put into a jar containing alcohol

 

The second in a jar with a smouldering cigarette

 

The third into a jar with thick chocolate sauce

 

And the fourth into a jar with good clean soil.

 

At the conclusion of his sermon he showed the congregation the results:

 

In the first 3 jars the worms were clearly dead, whereas in the fourth the worm was happily moving about.

 

So the Minister asked his congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

 

They all sat silently for a while, then a little old lady raised her hand and piped up from the back,

 

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

[Simon G]

After getting the Pope's entire luggage loaded into the limo, (and He doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

 

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

 

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

 

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

 

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

 

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to nearly 100 mph.

 

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

 

Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

 

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

 

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

 

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo doing nearly a hundred.

 

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

 

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

 

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

 

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

 

The Chief then asked, 'Who ya got there, the Mayor?'

 

Cop: 'Bigger.'

 

Chief: 'Governor?'

 

Cop: 'Bigger.'

 

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

 

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

 

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

 

Cop: 'He's got the f ..ing Pope as a chauffeur!'

[EHertsGER]

Did you hear what happend when the Israelites/Chaps looking a bit Middle Eastern (etc according to taste) went to Mount Olive?

 

Popeye beat the crap out of them...

 

Best,

Marcus

[PhilJ W]

About 100 years ago an elderly Scottish farmer told his grand daughter "Sprinkle a bit of gunpowder on your porridge every morning for a long and healthy life." It must have worked because she lived to be a sprightly 103 years old. When she died she left 7 children, 23 grandchildren, 12 great grandchildren and a forty foot hole were the crematorium used to be.

[PGC]

Apologies if this has been put on the thread before, but it's so good I think it's worth repeating.

 

An old Pilot was so proud of his uniform that he wore it all the time.

One day he sat down at his local coffee shop and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him, turned to him and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She paused to think for a few moments, then said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

Not knowing what to say next, the pilot said nothing and the two sat sipping their drinks in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and, seeing the uniform, asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

The pilot replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out  I'm a lesbian.

[BOARD OF TRADE]

What goes "Clip clop,clip clop,clip clop,...Bang,bang,bang,..Clipotty clop,clipotty clop,clipotty clop"?

An Amish "drive by shooting".

[Enterprisingwestern]

Whilst on the subject.

 

 

Mike.

[Londontram]

Whilst on the subject.

 

 

Mike.

Mike that was so funny I'm still wiping the tears out my eyes, but one of the funniest things about that is that someone can find it indecipherable/unsure of meaning

[Colin_McLeod]

Read all about it on the Amish Facebook page. LOL

Edited August 16, 2014 by Colin_McLeod

[PLD]

one of the funniest things about that is that someone can find it indecipherable/unsure of meaning

all I'm seeing is a 404 not found error for whatever the embedded object is...

[QRModeller]

How much does a hipster weigh?

 

An instagram

 

 

 

hat, coat, gone!

 

 

 

Matt.

[luckymucklebackit]

Johnny again.......

 

 

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"

Johnny: "Seven, Sir."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully.

If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently.
If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,
how many will you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!!!"

A very angry Teacher: "Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?"

A very angry Johnny: "Because I've already got a bloody cat!!!"
 

[Shedman5]

If posted before then apologies.

 

 

The Jewish Mistress


This is what can be called a matter of rationally adjusting to the circumstances...

* * *
A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh", replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw", says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that", replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours, of course!"

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress", says her husband.

"Ours is prettier", the wife replies.
 

[luckymucklebackit]

[Swifty11]

Doctor doctor, I feel like a bridge?

 

Oh dear what's come over you?

 

So far, 6 cars, 2 lorries and a bus!

[Buhar]

As this is RMWeb, I think the convention is that the bus is stationery on the bridge.

Edited August 20, 2014 by Tren

[69843]

Meanwhile, several 66s, a few Pendolinos, 2 57s and a steam special have passed underneath it

[Dave47549]

.

Edited October 2, 2021 by Dave47549
Removed pointless guff

[Horsetan]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son at home was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the street," he shouted.

Followed by: "An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

Came the reply: "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle....."

[EHertsGER]

"I say, I say, I say..." (Just from that intro you can tell this going to be bad)

 

 

Q. "Why do elephants have big ears...?"

 

 

A. "Because Noddy won't pay the ransom..."

 

Cue Basil Brush....

 

Best,

Marcus

[69843]