The Forum Jokes Thread

[Horsetan]

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite biscuits, freshly baked.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula...

 

"Awa' wi' ye!" she exclaimed. "They're for the funeral."

[bluebottle]

An anecdote about the building of the Forth Bridge.

A story that may, or may not be apocryphal is told of one of the senior engineers, a Scot, out on a cat-walk during the construction, seeing one of the skilled cable spinners, an Irishman, balanced precariously on a boot so dilapidated that the upper had parted company with the sole. He called him down and forcibly expressed himself about such dangerous footwear. The Irishman agreed, but said that as this was Tuesday and he'd sent money to his mother in Tipperary, he was skint till Friday. The engineer took a roll of notes from his pocket. The Irishman's eyes sparkled. The engineer removed the rubber band from the roll and handed it over.

“Put that round your boot till Friday”, he said.

[Londontram]

Andy as well as the usual array of buttons for comments, likes etc can we have a groan button too for some of the jokes please

[kandc_au]

kandc_au you disagreed with my post No2283, yet the only person who mentioned racism was yourself in post No 2274 where you appear to be defending the joke. It was also you who sent me the removed joke by PM. I am wondering if you posted the joke. I don't know as I did not see the original, but I think you protest too much.

 

Anyway,. back on topic: Why did the chicken cross the road?...... To get to the other side. Ha Ha

Colin,

I forwarded the message to you because you obviously didn't see it. It was an FYI.

I did NOT think the joke was racist, I had absolutely NO issue with the joke.

I had issues with those who get picky instead of them just moving on.

I do find it hard to fathom peoples logic when they call a joke racist if it "MAY" offend some and yet it is quite alright to accept a joke about the Irish, Poms, Aussies Kiwi's etc as  examples.

Frankly it is quite hypocritical!

 

Either way we have moved on so.........

 

Khris

[Two_sugars]

YUP! ! ! !We are beyond a joke! . . . . .

[Bernard Lamb]

A , a Frenchman, an Australian and an Indian are standing on the top of Beachy Head.

The walks to the edge of the cliff and throws a large bundle of cash over the cliff.

We have too much money , that can go he says.

The Frenchman walks to the edge of the cliff and throws over a bottle of Champagne.

We have too much Champagne, that can go he says.

The Australian starts to move forward.

The Indian says. Don't even think about it.

Bernard

[kevinlms]

Why are there question marks on this, surely the advice is correct?

[jwealleans]

On the contrary.  He seems to have assumed it is a diesel car and completely fails to raise the possibility of a fault in the ignition system if it's an injected petrol system.  Very shoddy IMHO.

[sir douglas]

we had to close the village fete last week because of an outbreak of Tombola

[PhilJ W]

A quick reminder, this thread's title is 'the forum new jokes thread'.

[Two_sugars]

All jokes are old ones re-cycled as in  . . .

 

An Egytian, a Hittite and a Persian walked into a bar . . . . . . . . . . .

[QRModeller]

A husband was just coming out of anaesthesia after a series of tests in hospital and his wife was sitting at his bedside.  His eyes fluttered open and he murmured, "You're beautiful".  Flattered, she continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.  Later he woke up and said, "You're good looking".  "What happened to 'beautiful'?" she asked him.  "The drugs are wearing off", he replied.

[gazmanjack]

All jokes are old ones re-cycled as in  . . .

 

An Egytian, a Hittite and a Persian walked into a bar . . . . . . . . . . .

 

. . . . . .  and you would have thought the first one would have seen it....!

[Two_sugars]

See . . You've already heard it!!!!!

[PGC]

Apologies if I've posted this before - I don't think I have but I'm not going to check!!!!!!! 

 

 

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown round a hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant they passed a room where they could see a man mast*rbating wildly. Of course the Queen  was not at all amused and  demanded an explanation as to why these  activities were allowed in the hospital.

 

"Ah." said the Doctor.  "Now although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much spe*m that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his test*cles will explode."

 

"Oh." said her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose I can understand."

 

A little further on down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open, and through it you could see a nurse who was clearly giving a patient a bl*w job. "Goodness Gracious!" shrieked HM.  "I demand an explanation for this kind of sordid goings-on!"

 

The doctor said. "Same problem, but he's got better health insurance."

[bluebottle]

All jokes are old ones re-cycled as in  . . .

 

An Egytian, a Hittite and a Persian walked into a bar . . . . . . . . . . .

 

 

^{According to a study by academics at the University of Wolverhampton, the world's oldest joke known, from about 1900BC, is a Sumerian proverb from what is now southern Iraq:}

"Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap.”

 

I dare say it could have sounded funny coming from a Sumerian Frank Skinner.

 

One story dating back to the 1st Century BC (which I'm sure has been recycled by Ken Dodd) tells of the Emperor Augustus touring his realm and coming across a man who bore a striking resemblance to himself.

Intrigued, he asks the man: "Was your mother at one time in service at the palace?"

The man replies: "No your highness, but my father was."

 

Augustus was renowned for his wit and sense of humour, and I like to think that the story was true and that the man was rewarded, rather than crucified.

[EHertsGER]

we had to close the village fete last week because of an outbreak of Tombola

I thought I heard about someone going over the wall at Broadmoor - Tom Bola. He was the bloke who almost made it into the England Cricket team because he ran off so fast. They said they needed a fast bowler...

Edited August 1, 2014 by EHertsGER

[steve1]

When I was young I had a stepladder...I didn't get on with my real ladder...

 

steve

[Downendian]

A duck waddles in a bar and asks for the landlord.

"Do you have any bread?" He quacks.

"No we don't serve bread" says the landlord.

At the same time the next day the duck, comes in and asks "do you have any bread?"

The landlord responds "look I told you yesterday we don't serve bread"

On the third day the duck asks again, "do you have any bread?" .

The landlord fumes "look I've told you three times now, we don't serve bread. If you come in here again asking for it, I'll nail your beak to the bar".

On the fourth day the duck waddles in "do you have any nails?", "no" retorts the angry landlord.

"do you have any bread" asks the duck.

 

Neil

[bluebottle]

Word play and a swearie word on a bus in Fife:

 

The doors on a Methil-bound bus were malfunctioning, opening and closing at random. Despite the driver's attentions, they continued to behave with all the malevolence of their race. They opened long enough for a woman to step aboard, then swung shut, trapping her shopping bag. Annoyed, she rounded on the thoroughly exasperated driver:

 

“Are these doors automatic?”

 

“Naw, missus – they're a' tae f*** !”

Edited August 2, 2014 by bluebottle

[peanuts]

To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry, I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife. 

1.Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old. 

2.You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit(god knows 
I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you. 

3.If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up. 

4.Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son belives if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recomend a better spot? 

5.After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, Irun out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty(thanks). 

6.Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not 
mentaly challenged. 

7.Please stop turning the heat up, You pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts. 

8.When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in. 

9.Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share. 

10.Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too)has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left. 

Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only orded one meal.I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become ackward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed. 

P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Great Wolf Lodge on the 3rd of April for four days, I have abottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer. 

[Guest]

Children on the back seat cause accidents.
Accidents on the back seat cause children.

[luckymucklebackit]

Its that Boy Johnny again!!

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.  Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let's save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted!
 

 

And the Moral of this story:
Sometimes you really need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt and form your own opinion!

 

jim

[PGC]

And Little Johnny strikes again!

 

Little Johnny and Little Lisa are playing when suddenly Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."

Little Lisa starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother.

The next day Little Johnny and Little Lisa are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." but this time Little Lisa just keeps on playing.

"How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny.

Little Lisa pulls up her dress and says "my mummy told me that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."

[Shedman5]

Sorry if you've heard/read this

 

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven..

 

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycleshave changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

 

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

 

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

 

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

 

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

 

 

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

 

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension.

 

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

 

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

 

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust and

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

 

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

 

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

 

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'