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The Forum Jokes Thread

Colin_McLeod

By Colin_McLeod,
in Wheeltappers

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Message added by AY Mod,

Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

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andytrains

andytrains

Posted
Posted (edited)
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and England striker Wayne Rooney?

A: Clinton can score.

 

Q: What's the difference between England and an albatross?

A: An albatross has got two decent wings. 

 


Q: What’s the difference between the England team and a tea-bag?

A: The tea-bag stays in the World cup longer. 


 

Q: How many England fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.


 

Q: What do you call an England player with an IQ of 10?

A: Gifted!

 



Edited by andytrains
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bluebottle

bluebottle

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I'm walking down the road the other night, punk in a hoodie steps in my way, takes out a knife.

"Gimme your money, or you're geography", he says.

Nervous, but puzzled, I ask: "Don't you mean history?"

So he screams: "DON'T CHANGE THE ###### SUBJECT!"

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PGC

PGC

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Man goes to confession after a long absence.

 

He sits in the booth and comments to the priest, confession has changed a lot. I don’t remember the leather chair, the Guinness on tap or the gay porn.

 

The priest replies “that’s because you’re in my seat!”

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Horsetan

Horsetan

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Meanwhile, at the Convent.....

 

Said the Mother Superior to the new recruit: 'Sister, this is a silent Order. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. '

 

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the Convent for 5 years before the Mother Superior said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

 

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Mother Superior said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

 

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Mother Superior. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Mother Superior assured her that the food would be better in the future.

 

On her 15th anniversary at the Convent, the Mother Superior called Sister Mary Katherine into her office: 'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Mother Superior, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'

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Horsetan

Horsetan

Posted
Posted (edited)

Still on the theme of religion:

 

In the beginning there was nothing.
And God said, "Let there be light!" 
And lo, there was light. And it was good.
There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

Edited by Horsetan
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PGC

PGC

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Keeping on the religious theme, three members of the cloth were talking. One was an Anglican Priest, one a Catholic and the third a Rabbi.

 

Discussing the disposal of the collections, the Anglican priest said "we draw a circle on the ground and throw the money in the air. What falls in the circle we give to God and what falls outside of the circle we keep.

 

The Catholic priest declares that they follow a very similar course, except they keep what falls inside the circle.

 

The Rabbi then discloses that they just throw the money in the air in the belief that what God wants he will keep.

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PGC

PGC

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Not religious this time!!!!!  :jester:

 

 

It was the same old scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge; three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.

 

The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about your Honour. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper."

 

The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough research' by now. My computer say's you have two prior convictions.  Thirty days and $250 fine."

 

He then turned to the second lady and requested her to testify. The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."

 

This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine."

 

He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.

 

The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."

 

Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?"

 

She sneered and replied, "Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives around, I can't turn a single trick."

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shortliner

shortliner

Posted
Posted

ASK YOUR PHARMACIST


 
What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?
 
I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The
woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as
she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She
then asked if she could help me. I said that it was something that I
would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
 
The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional
and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident
that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
 
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to
discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours.
It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was
wondering what you could give me for it."
 
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
 
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is
the absolute best we can do”.
 
. . . 1/3 ownership in the store,
 
. . . A company pickup truck,
 
. . . A king size bed and
 
. . . $3,000 a month in living expenses.
 
 

 
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EHertsGER

EHertsGER

Posted
Posted

The pessimist sees only the dark in the tunnel.

The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

The realist sees a train coming in the tunnel.

 

The train driver sees three complete eejits sitting on the railway line.

 

(You have to know your way around New York to get this one...)

 

"You know you are having a bad day when the 'light at the end of the tunnel' turns out to be New Jersey..."

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