The Forum Jokes Thread

[andytrains]

Google Street View and Thomas the Tank Engine

 

http://i.imgur.com/nsWAEYx.jpg

 

Regards,

 

Dave

Good job they blanked out his face to stop him being recognised!!!!

[Colin_McLeod]

Or for Clarabel to know where he was.

[luckymucklebackit]

Some quickies to groan at...

 

I couldn't work out why the Frisbee was getting bigger...........Then it hit me!!

 

I just got a text message saying bnag.......  Thought that was bang out of order.

 

I keep getting text messages saying "comb your hair" and "wash your face" and "brush your teeth"!!!!...........I think some ones trying to groom me.

 

 

 

A nurse starts her first shift at a new hospital and as she walks into the ward, she sees a man in a white coat sitting at the main reception desk.

Suddenly he stands up and shouts "MEASLES! MUMPS! RUBELLA! TYPHOID! POLIO and RABIES!" before walking briskly from the ward.

"What's going on? Who's he?" asked the nurse?

"Oh, that's just Dr. Bryce" says the other nurse "He likes to call the shots around here".

 

Jim

[C&WR]

On a medical theme:

 

An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward, goes to examine the first patient he sees, and the man proclaims: 

 

"Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face, 

Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!" 

 

The English doctor, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into: 

 

"Some hae meat and canna eat, 

And some wad eat that want it." 

 

This continues with the next patient: 

 

"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, 

O what a panic's in thy breastie!" 

 

"Well," the English doctor mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last." 

 

"Oh no," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Burns unit."

[pH]

" ... this is the Burns unit."

 

I was told this story by someone who worked in hospital labs in Scotland - I can't say whether or not it is true.

 

In the 1960s, a question in the national (UK) exams for microbiology technicians was "Describe the characteristics of the most common bacteria found in burns". Marking of the papers was done centrally in London, and the markers were very puzzled by the significant numbers of papers where the answers to this question described, in detail, freshwater organisms. The penny dropped when they realised that almost all such papers came from Scotland and northeast England!

[PGC]

It wasn't me that started the hospital jokes!!!!!!! 

 

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown round a hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant they passed a room where they could see a man mast*rbating wildly. Of course the Queen  was not at all amused and  demanded an explanation as to why these  activities were allowed in the hospital.

 

"Ah." said the Doctor.  "Now although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much sp*rm that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode."

 

"Oh." said her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose I can understand."

 

A little further on down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open, and through it you could see a nurse who was clearly giving a patient a blow j*b. "Goodness Gracious!" shrieked HM.  "I demand an explanation for this kind of sordid goings-on!"

 

The doctor said. "Same problem, but he's got better health insurance."

 

 

 

Edited to try and beat the obscenity filter. Ooops!

Edited June 5, 2014 by PGC

[shortliner]

[AndrewC]

Jack, this is why my lovely lady is referred to as She Who Must Be Obeyed.

[Waverley West]

The Rules.jpg

 

Ha, I used those in my wedding speech, which went down quite well (lots of nods among the men). I seem to remember there being quite a few more rules than that too...

[shortliner]

Buying The Blue Pill

 

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.

 

She asked, "Do you have Viagra ?"

 

"Yes," he answered.

 

She asked, "Does it work ?"

 

"Yes," he answered.

 

"Can you get it over the counter ?" she asked.

 

 

 

 

"Only can if I take two," he replied.

[PhilJ W]

The Rules.jpg

Not forgetting the main rule, if in doubt refer to rule 2 (In this case).

[shortliner]

Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish on the border of Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland ,

 

and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
  
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says,

"THE END IS  NEAR.

TURN  YOURSELF AROUND NOW, 
BEFORE IT IS  TOO LATE."  

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and  yells, 
"Leave people alone, you  religious nutters. We don't need your lectures." 
From around the  next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash. 

   
Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."   
"Yaa,"   Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say "BRIDGE  CLOSED"?

 

[PGC]

Some press clippings:

 

From The Guardian:

"After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist B*stards".  The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr B*stards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name."

 

**********

 

From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:

"Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled “For the Sick", is for monetary donations only.'

 

**********

 

From The Guardian

Concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:

'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'

 

**********

 

From The Times:

'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented: "This sort of thing is all too common these days."

 

**********

 

From The Gloucester Citizen:

'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."

 

**********

From The Scottish Big Issue:

'In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a "My Name is Henry" convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus. "It was a lie", explained Mr Pap, "I'm a Henry and always will be.", whereupon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer - attempted to pull them apart. Several more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight. The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane."

 

**********

 

From The Daily Telegraph

In a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes":

"...the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used  to  encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."

 

**********

 

From The Derby Abbey Community News:

We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'.  This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the police Farce."

 

**********

 

From The Manchester Evening News:

"Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station  released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket."

[luckymucklebackit]

"From The Manchester Evening News:

"Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket."

 

 

Which confirms that Network Rail prefer monopods to tripods on station platforms

 

Jim

[PhilJ W]

"From The Manchester Evening News:

"Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket."

 

 

Which confirms that Network Rail prefer monopods to tripods on station platforms

 

Jim

I'm still trying to work out where he produced his ticket from.  

[AndrewC]

Must resist the obvious Oyster card touch in, touch out joke.

[69843]

I'm still trying to work out where he produced his ticket from.  

His rucksack of course!

[Enterprisingwestern]

I'm still trying to work out where he produced his ticket from.  

 

The same place as his wife;

 

http://devilducky.com/link/49057

 

Mike.

 

DO NOT WATCH IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED.

 

Although there is nothing obscene in it.

[luckymucklebackit]

OOOOhh errr Misssus

 

Jim

[PhilJ W]

The same place as his wife;

 

http://devilducky.com/link/49057

 

Mike.

 

DO NOT WATCH IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED.

 

Although there is nothing obscene in it.

Not from there anyway, he hasn't got one of those. 

[PGC]

Watch out, little Jonny has a sister!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his w*lly today in the playground!"

 

Before her mother could raise a concern, Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty." 

Mum fainted.

[PGC]

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

 

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

 

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

 

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

 

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, then returned to his paper.

 

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

 

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[raymw]

..

[fender]

A man comes home to find a gorilla asleep in his front tree. Aghast, the man quickly calls the zoo for help.

 

before long a zoo employee arrives, surveys the gorilla asleep in the tree, and retrieves from his van: a shotgun, a pair of handcuffs, and a chihuahua.

 

the zoo employee explains to the man:

 

"right, here's what we are going to do. I am going to climb up the tree and poke the gorilla with a stick. startled, he will awake and fall out of the tree. at that point my specially trained chihuahua will run up and bite the gorilla very hard in the b*llocks. the gorilla will instinctively move his hands to cover them up, and you will then run over and quickly apply the handcuffs. got it?"

 

"er....I think so...", says the man, "but what is the shotgun for?"

 

"good question", says the zoo employee, "If I should fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla, shoot the chihuahua!!!"

[kevinlms]

..

Last time I saw this, the car was going the other way! As evidence, check the  website address.