The Forum Jokes Thread

[BoD]

6 months? I can remember at least one joke from 60 years back. It's a gift - and a curse ...

......... especially if you're only 59.

[raymw]

 

Freely translated (very) : Who gets the last laugh...?

 

http://www.youtube.com/embed/_CwHrJt8Oz8?rel=0

 

(You'll have to turn off the advert to read the sub-titles)

[Dagworth]

Don't know if this has turned up anywhere else on here but it made us laugh.

VERY NSFW!

 

 

Andi

[JZ]

Don't know if this has turned up anywhere else on here but it made us laugh.

VERY NSFW!

 

 

Andi

Been about for a couple of years and been doing the rounds on facebook again. But still funny every time I hear it. Couple of years back we heard a warning over the NRN about a naked man on the aquaduct just south of Wickwar tunnel.

Edited May 18, 2014 by JZ

[peanuts]

Been about for a couple of years and been doing the rounds on facebook again. But still funny every time I hear it. Couple of years back we heard a warning over the NRN about a naked man on the aquaduct just south of Wickwar tunnel.

remember reading the trust zu screen for west yorkshire one evening and seeing the poor mom  getting sent from pillar to post to deal with gangs of unruly teenagers alone .everytime he requested BTP or supervisory  support it was refused on lack of available personell.

 

imagine my supprise when i read of a driver reporting two yound ladys walking topless along the lineside  suddenly the BTP, the  area movements inspectors ,etc were all available to assist them from the line odd  that isnt it ?

[PGC]

A First Class passenger,  an attorney, boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them  staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a  lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. 

 

Shortly before landing in New York, the flight attendant used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
 

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
 
2. Blondes aren't always as dumb as most folk think!

[steve1]

 

steve

[PhilJ W]

A vicar had a new set of false teeth, the first Sunday after he got them the sermon only lasted 8 minutes because the new dentures caused so much pain. The second Sunday was little better with only a 10 minute sermon. The third Sunday however the sermon went on for 3 hours, when asked why he was able to talk for so long he said "I put the wifes dentures in by mistake and couldn't stop talking."

[andytrains]

Darling shall we try a new position tonight?

Yes says the wife, you can stand by the ironing board whilst I sit on the sofa and fart.

[luckymucklebackit]

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it....

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter

 

Jim

[Catweasel]

If you like this style ... try this;

A lady enters a record shop at Christmas and asks for the Christmas song, bells that jingle jangle on 12 inch. The lad behind the counter says "sorry madam, I only have balls that dingle dangle on a 6 inch". "Oh that's not a record" she says "no, but its not bad for a kid of sixteen!"

Edited May 29, 2014 by Catweasel

[bluebottle]

If you like this style ... try this;

A lady enters a record shop at Christmas and asks for the Christmas song, bells that jingle jangle on 12 inch. The lad behind the counter says "sorry madam, I only have balls that dingle dangle on a 6 inch". "Ohh, that's not a record" she says "no, but its not bad for a kid of sixteen!"

If you like this style ... try this;

A lady enters a record shop at Christmas and asks for the Christmas song, bells that jingle jangle on 12 inch. The lad behind the counter says "sorry madam, I only have balls that dingle dangle on a 6 inch". "Ohh, that's not a record" she says "no, but its not bad for a kid of sixteen!"

 

From time to time we do get people forgetting that they've already told a joke and reposting it, but your short term memory couldn't get any shorter!

[andytrains]

From time to time we do get people forgetting that they've already told a joke and reposting it, but your short term memory couldn't get any shorter!

[PhilJ W]

An all female tribe captured 3 men. There practice was to cut male captives members off according to their occupation. The first captive was a lumberjack so they cut it off with an ax, the second was a butcher so it was cut off with a cleaver. The third  captive was rolling on the ground with laughter, they asked him why and he said "I'm a Dyson salesman.".

Edited May 29, 2014 by PhilJ W

[F-UnitMad]

From time to time we do get people forgetting that they've already told a joke and reposting it, but your short term memory couldn't get any shorter!

Nah..... jokes are usually only really funny the first time....

[PGC]

In a "Most embarrassing moments" competition, this was the winning entry:

 

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.  I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now,' she would be punished.  To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! 

I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.  The last thing I heard then the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."

[PGC]

At Harvard University in October 1999 in a biology class; the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found in .  A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male as in sugar?' 'That's correct,'responded the prof, going on to add statistical info.  Raising her hand again,the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, and the poor girl's face turned bright red as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied).

She picked up her books with out a word and walked out of class...and never returned.

However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic...

Totally straight-faced he answered her question, 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.'' 

[CUTLER2579]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' 
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.' 
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,

 

 

 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[peanuts]

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing

[shortliner]

I trust our friends/members in USA will forgive these Southern jokes, but I thought they were worth spending a few electrons on

 

 

Florida

 

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding - a reason I've never before heard - I'll let you go.."

The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper..

 

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off..?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings.."

 

Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.."

 

 

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.."

 

 

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.."

 

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut..?"

 

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage..'"

 

Edited June 1, 2014 by shortliner

[Allegheny1600]

^^^ Yep!!!

[raymw]

never share a computer

 

 

 

[Danemouth]

Google Street View and Thomas the Tank Engine

 

http://i.imgur.com/nsWAEYx.jpg

 

Regards,

 

Dave

Edited June 4, 2014 by Danemouth

[69843]

Google Street View and Thomas the Tank Engine

 

http://i.imgur.com/nsWAEYx.jpg

 

Regards,

 

Dave

Almost looks like a criminal with that blurred face.....

 

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a shed of law."

[PGC]

We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.

We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet budgie, and put the cat in the back garden.

We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out of the door, the cat we had put out in the garden scooted back into the house.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie so my wife continued walking to the taxi while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the taxi, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night so, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the garden! .............She'd better not poo in the vegetable patch again!"

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.