The Forum Jokes Thread

[EHertsGER]

My mum had a fly in a currant bun, many years ago. She went back to the baker's shop and complained. They gave her another currant.

My sister (this is a true story, so humor me...) was once given an Eccles cake (nice cakes, by the way) and promptly asked for a knife. Upon asking her why, in return, my mother was told "to get the eccles out"

Edited April 9, 2014 by EHertsGER

[PhilJ W]

My sister (this is a true story, so humor me...) was once given an Eccles cake (nice cakes, by the way) and promptly asked for a knife. Upon asking her why, in return, my mother was told "to get the eccles out"

Is your sister blond?

[CUTLER2579]

 I just cribbed this from the Landlady of the "Miltron Arms" Public House & Eatery  in Elsecar near Barnsley. (Highly Recommended)

 

The Defective Parrot.........

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch, it doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way, I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'This is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at
ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers £20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'YES. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

'DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch'

[raymw]

 

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With .25 Caliber Pistol

 

 

 

 

This is a story of self control and marksmanship. A woman survived a grizzly bear attack with one well placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jetfire.

 

 

 

These are her own words.:

 

While out hiking in Missoula Montana with my boyfriend, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

 

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire I would not be here today! I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot. It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily. While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

 

 

I love that pistol, I'll find other boyfriends.

[EHertsGER]

Is your sister blond?

Oddly enough, when this happened at the age of four, she was blonde - but became darker, as kids often do. Enough with the blonde references, my wife reads this too...and she is oh, so delightfully...blonde...

Edited April 9, 2014 by EHertsGER

[Enterprisingwestern]

Oddly enough, when this happened at the age of four, she was blonde - but became darker, as kids often do. Enough with the blonde references, my wife reads this too...and she is oh, so delightfully...blonde...

 

Creep

 

Mike.

[PGC]

Little Jonnies on holiday, but his blonde sister isn't!!!!!!!!!!!  

 

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

 

She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.

 

Angrily, back into the house she went.

 

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

 

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

Edited April 10, 2014 by PGC

[PGC]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

 

"I`m afraid I don`t have a husband" the lady replies.

 

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?"

 

"No, no boyfriend either"

 

"Do you have a partner then?"

 

"No, I`m unattached, I`ll be having the baby on my own"

 

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

 

"You have a healthy bouncing baby boy, but I must warn you before you see him that the baby is black"

 

"Well you see I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie where the lead man was black"

 

"Oh, I`m very sorry, and I know that it`s really none of my business but I have to tell you that the baby is blonde"

 

"Well yes, you see I really needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

 

"Oh, I`m sorry, and I know that it`s really none of my business but I have to tell you that your baby has slanted eyes"

 

"Well, yes, I was really hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

 

At this the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and on presenting him to his mother gives the baby the traditional slap on the bottom. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims "Well thank God for that !"

 

"What do you mean" says the midwife

 

"Well I had this horrible feeling that the little b****** was going to bark !"

[Arthur]

A couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation. So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

 

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided. "There's a clown at the circus who used to be an Oxford don, he's agreed to teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and IT skills".

 

There are then doubts expressed about the child's healthy upbringing.

 

"The bearded lady is a trained nanny and is a former diversity co-ordinator, she's very keen on a balanced upbringing and has agreed to help"

 

So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for...

 

"It doesn't really matter" they say "so long as he fits in the cannon"

[Astockfan101]

What do you get if you cross british rail with the London Underground?

 

Crossrail!

 

Well you see crossrail in London is being built towards main line railway size and like the London Underground it's underground so that's what crossrail is.

Edited April 11, 2014 by Astockfan101

[shortliner]

An Irish mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her
 

son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened! What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent

an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down Paddy... Calm down," says his mother-in-law.

"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation... she never

got your E-mail!"

[peanuts]

Two Ladies in Heaven:

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold I began 
To get warm & sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack, I suspected that my husband 
Was cheating so I came home early to catch him in the act but instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be 
Alive....

[andytrains]

Jock was in the pub drinking all night. He got up to leave and he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but again fell flat on his face.

So he decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up.

He stood up again once outside and again he fell flat on his face.

So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.

When he got home he stood up again and fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried to stand up and this time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

When he woke the next morning, his wife was shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!"

"Why would ye say that?" Jock complained innocently.

"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"

[PGC]

Little Johnnies on school holidays, but his little sister, being the good girl she is, is attending holiday club (I dread to think what Johnnies doing!)

 

A holiday club helper was watching her group of children while they drew.  She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork and she got to one little girl (Johnnies Sister) who was working diligently. The helper asked what the drawing was.

 

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

 

The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."

 

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

[PGC]

A man was taking parachuting lessons.  Being of a practical mind, he asked his instructor what to do in the event of the parachute not opening.

 

"Open your spare," said the instructor.

 

Well, the man thought this was reasonable, but since things can and do go wrong all the time, he asked what would happen if the spare wouldn't open.

 

The instructor leaned in close and said, "Well, if that doesn't work, the only thing left is to shout 'Buddha, Buddha, Buddha!'"

 

The man thought this was a little odd, but made note of it anyway.

 

Well, the day came for our budding parachutist to make his first jump. The plane went up to 10,000 feet and out he went. At the appropriate altitude, he pulled his ripcord.  Nothing happened.  Alarmed, but not panicking, the man tried his spare.  Nothing happened.  By now he was starting to get a bit worried.  But he remembered what his instructor had told him and shouted, "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha!"

 

Two big, brown hands came down out of the clouds above and gently caught the man, cradling him safe from harm.

 

Astonished, the man shrieked, "Jesus Christ!"

 

The hands let go.

[DonBradley]

We now also need a "Naughty, naughty" icon.

[Gdaysydney]

Two men get talking in a pub and the conversation turns to careers.

One confides that he is having a midlife crisis and doesn't know whether to continue to work as a barber or to quit and write a novel

On hearing this the other man tells him " that’s easy to resolve...toss a coin - heads or tales"

 

 

[andytrains]

My computer beat me at chess the other day, but I found it was no match for me at kick boxing.

[PGC]

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, over the PA system the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks.

 

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

 

 From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

[PGC]

An expectant father spent quite some time waiting at his in-laws place for the offspring to arrive.

 

As he had run out of leave, the man tells his father-in-law - " When my son comes, do not call up office and say that I have become a father of a boy, etc. otherwise I'll have to shell out a lot for parties etc. Just tell me that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of my son."

 

The offspring does arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The father-in-law thinks - "If I tell him that the clock hasn’t arrived, he'll misunderstand, think that some thing has happened to the baby and come rushing over."

 

So after thinking about it, the father-in-law sends the message - " The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing".

[Downendian]

A man walked into a record shop.

 

"Do you have any recordings of wasps?" he asked.

"Oh sir, i believe we have just the one, would you like to go and listen in booth 1" responded the assistant.

 

After 10 seconds or so the man responded - "thats not wasps, its bees!"

 

Assistant " oh really sorry sir i must have put the B-side on"

 

Neil

Edited April 16, 2014 by Downendian

[andytrains]

Some Police jokes:-

 

All the toilet seats at the police station have been nicked.

The thief is still at large and the police are having problems solving the crime as they have nothing to go on.

 

A hole has appeared in the wall of the policewomans changing rooms at the station.

Police are looking into it.

 

A wig shop was broken into yesterday and all the stock was stolen.

The Police are combing the area for clues.

 

A Police Officer stops a bloke driving a car and says to him, 'Your eyes are very red, have you been drinking?'

The man replies, 'You are a bit fat have you been eating doughnuts?'

 

The vice squad arrest two prostitutes and put them in the back of a police car, one of the officers asks, 'Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz before?' 

One of them answered, 'No, but i've been swung around by the tits a few times.'

[newbryford]

A group of kids from a city school had a day out in the country.

 

When they get back home, little Johnny's mum asks if he's had a good time and what did they see?

 

He says,

"We went to a farm and saw some pigs and ducks and sheep and some f**kers"

 

"What?" exclaims the mother, "F**kers?"

 

Johnny replies, "Well the farmer said they were heifers, but we knew he meant f**kers........."

 

Cheers,

Mick

[ColinK]

Had to smile reading the thread on Northwich Oakleigh, post 20 mentions 'soda ash in POO' !

[Highlandman]

Couldn't think of anywhere else to put this, so here goes.

 

"The rule book states that at a point where traffic may cross the hoses, ramps must be used!"