RMweb Gold ian Posted February 27, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 27, 2014 A US Cavalryman was having a pow-wow with a Red Indian chief when the chief's wife came into the tepee. "This my squaw, five horses," said the chief. "That's an unusual name," replied the Cavalryman. "Why is she calld five horses?" The chief replied "Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 I've really had it with my dog," said the first guy to his neighbour. "He'll chase anyone on a bicycle" "Hmmm, that is a problem," said the neighbour. "What are you thinking of doing about it?" "Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike." steve 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 a banker a daily mail reader and a refugee are adrift in a boat with 12 biscuits to share. the banker takes 11 of the biscuits and turns to the daily mail reader and says " watch out the refugee is after your biscuit " 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 a banker a daily mail reader and a refugee are adrift in a boat with 12 biscuits to share. the banker takes 11 of the biscuits and turns to the daily mail reader and says " watch out the refugee is after your biscuit " And the Daily Mail reader believed him... steve 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted March 2, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 2, 2014 a banker a daily mail reader and a refugee are adrift in a boat with 12 biscuits to share. the banker takes 11 of the biscuits and turns to the daily mail reader and says " watch out the refugee is after your biscuit " And the Daily Mail reader believed him... steve Of course he would, the Daily Mail said it was so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted March 3, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 3, 2014 An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old,pulls up next to a doctor at traffic lights.The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,'What kind of car you got there, sonny ?'The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars ! ''That's a lot of money,' says the old man.'Why does it cost so much?''Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!'states the doctor proudly.The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?''No problem,' replies the doctor.So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sittingback on his Moped, the old man says,'That's a pretty nice car, all right...But I'll stick with my Moped !'Just then the light changes, So the doctor decides to showThe old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 secondsthe speedometer reads 160 mph.Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be gettingcloser!He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !Something whips by him going much faster !' What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?'the doctor asks himself.He presses harder on the accelerator And takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.Then, up ahead of him, He sees that it's the old man on the Moped!Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas andpasses the Moped at 275 mph And he's feeling pretty good until he looks inhis mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!Astounded by the speed of this old guy, He floors the gas pedal and takesthe Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! TheFerrari is flat out, And there's nothing he can do!Suddenly, the Moped ploughs Into the back of his Ferrari,demolishing the rear end.The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor... Is thereanything I can do for you?'The old man whispers, 'Unhook my braces from your side view mirror!'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 asked the receptionist at my hotel for a 7am wake up call next morning she calls at 7am and shouts " where the hell are you going with your life loser " Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted March 3, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 3, 2014 POWER OUTAGEWe had a power outage at our resort this morning and my laptop, TV, DVD, & iPad were all shut down.Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.She seems like a nice person. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 (edited) Something remotely railway-related... A pessimist sees darkness. An optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a railway tunnel. And the train driver sees three numbnuts on the tracks! You know you are having a bad day when the light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be New Jersey.... Edited March 4, 2014 by EHertsGER Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Sad news at the Nestlé factory today. A member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath. He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "the milky bars are on me" everyone just cheered Jim Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted March 7, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 7, 2014 There was a cave in at the mine so the emergency services asked Snow White to check if the dwarfs were still alive. She called out "Is anyone down there?", a voice called back "Manchester United are the best team.". So she told the rescuers that Dopey was alright. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 Laws They Don't Teach in Physics: .Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch 2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.5.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.6.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.7.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.8.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!10.Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.11.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.12.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.13.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.14.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.16.Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!18.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted March 11, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 11, 2014 Laws They Don't Teach in Physics: 1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch 2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe. 2/ Dropped the oil filler cap while topping up the oil the other day. It took 10 minutes to find it lodged under a hose. Didn't help that it was bright sunshine, making the engine block area in harsh shadow. 1/ Came into play, of course. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' If you're not sure what a 710 is, scroll down..... With best wishes from my wife, who is blonde... 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bernard Lamb Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 Roses are red Violets are glorious Do not creep up On Oscar Pistorious 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium mezzoman253 Posted March 11, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 11, 2014 On a flight to New York a very attractive blonde woman kept leaving her seat at the rear of the aircraft and going into 1st class and sitting in a spare seat. After many unsuccessful attempts to get her to stay in her allotted seat, the stewardess went to the flight deck to see if the pilots could help. One of them said "I'll sort it out, I speak blonde". He approached the woman, who was back in 1st class again, and whispered in her ear. Immediately the woman got up and went back to her seat in the rear. The stewardess was amazed and said "What did you say to her?" "Simple" said the pilot, "I told her only the rear part of the plane was going to New York, the rest was landing in Washington." 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Friar Tuck Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 Men are getting very concerned about the demise of traditional male underwear. They have formed a new protest organisation - - the Why Front. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 Topical Joke A Ukrainian Customs Official is stamping the passport of a tourist. "And where are you from, sir?" "Russia." "Occupation?" "Nyet, I'm just visiting." Jim Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RhBBob Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path just is narrow. In fact, b****r off and leave me alone. 2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 3. No one is listening until you fart. 4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it. 11 . If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen. 13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the-first time. 14. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgement. 15. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our a*s* ... then things just get worse. 20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peter220950 Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night I take a sleeping pill and a Viagra, that way I get a good nights sleep and don't roll out of bed. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted March 12, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 12, 2014 A friend of mine took a Viagra, but it got stuck in his throat. He now has a stiff neck. Cheers, Mick Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RhBBob Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 I take a sleeping pill and a Viagra, that way I get a good nights sleep and don't roll out of bed. Ah, those were the days ......... ...as the song goes ' Up, up and away ' Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted March 12, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted March 12, 2014 Ah, those were the days ......... ...as the song goes ' Up, up and away ' I drank Tippex instead of Viagra and woke up with a stiff correction. Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Platform 6 Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 I usually try a Viagra and a Vallium - it makes me feel very, very frisky but I'm not bothered if I don't get any. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
graeme3300 Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 A blind man walks into a pub, sits at the bar and strikes up a conversation with the barmaid. "Hey, do you want to hear a blonde joke?" he asks. The barmaid pulls him close. "I think I should tell you that I'm a blonde. So is the security girl on the door. There's another blonde over there with a black belt in karate, and the blonde with her is a professional boxer. And that blonde in the corner is out of gaol on parole for assaulting her husband, so . . . do you still want to tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters: "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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