RMweb Gold Shedman5 Posted February 11, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 11, 2014 During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.I described a typical day this way:"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 7 miles,through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers". Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!" "No," I replied, "I'm just a really golfer" There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...for example...A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to herbedroom, from under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. Shereaches for a golf club and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading the Post."Hi love", he says, "Your mum and dad have come to visit , so llet them stay in our bedroom.Did you say ‘hello’?” Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium AndyB Posted February 12, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 12, 2014 Breaking news from Sochi. The winning team in the curling competition has tested positive for Pledge. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted February 12, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 12, 2014 Police stop a Romanian registered Transit van on a motorway, the policeman goes up to the driver and says "Your only allowed 70 in this country." The driver turns round and calls into the back of the van "Three of you will have to get off." 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted February 12, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 12, 2014 http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=1330832063118 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wacol Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 You might have to think twice about this one.A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tipof her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergencyroom doctor asked her.'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shootingoff your finger?''No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...I'm not shooting myself in the chest.''So then?' asked the doctor.'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000..00to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.''So then?''Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make aloud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled thetrigger. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted February 13, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 13, 2014 There is a bit of confusion over the decision of all political parties not to allow an independent Scotland to carry on using the pound. In fact when lunch was ordered they all requested stuffed salmon. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted February 14, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) Old age jokes A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:'So I hear you're getting married?''Yep!''Do I know her?''Nope!''This woman, is she good looking?''Not really.''Is she a good cook?''Naw, she can't cook too well.''Does she have lots of money?''Nope! Poor as a church mouse.''Well, then, is she good in bed?''I don't know.''Why in the world do you want to marry her then?''Because she can still drive!'~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Three old guys are out walking.First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, uponto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?''No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' Edited to add this one. A little old man shuffled slowly into a bar and sat on a stool beside anattractive young lady."Excuse me," he said, "Do I come here often?" Edited February 14, 2014 by kevinlms Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold ian Posted February 14, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 14, 2014 Last night I performed the William Tell Overture on a ukelele. It took a lot of pluck... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve K Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Breaking news from Sochi. The winning team in the curling competition has tested positive for Pledge. Was that the Polish team? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium AndyB Posted February 14, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 14, 2014 Was that the Polish team? Very funny, Steve. Actually Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted February 14, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 14, 2014 The UK floods were predicted in the bible: http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1617839/thumbs/o-BIBLE-FLOODS-SPOOF-570.jpg?6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Bit of high brow comedy... Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says:- "I would like a martinus."The barman says-:"Don't you mean a martini?"Caesar says-:"If I'd wanted a double I'd have asked for one!" Jim 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 There is a bit of confusion over the decision of all political parties not to allow an independent Scotland to carry on using the pound. In fact when lunch was ordered they all requested stuffed salmon. When God had finished creating Scotland, He looked down on it with great satisfaction. Finally he called the Archangel Gabriel to have a look. "Just see," said God. "This is the best yet. Splendid mountains, beautiful scenery, brave men, fine women, nice cool weather. And I've given them beautiful music and a special drink called whisky. Try some." Gabriel took an appreciative sip. "Excellent," he said. "But haven't you perhaps been too kind to them? Won't they be spoiled by all these things? Should there not be some drawback?" "Just wait till you see the neighbours they're getting," said God. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danemouth Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 When God had finished creating Scotland, He looked down on it with great satisfaction. Finally he called the Archangel Gabriel to have a look. "Just see," said God. "This is the best yet. Splendid mountains, beautiful scenery, brave men, fine women, nice cool weather. And I've given them beautiful music and a special drink called whisky. Try some." Gabriel took an appreciative sip. "Excellent," he said. "But haven't you perhaps been too kind to them? Won't they be spoiled by all these things? Should there not be some drawback?" "Just wait till you see the neighbours they're getting," said God. And there's a similar story from Wales: In the beginning the Lord God Almighty turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: “Gabby, today I am going to create a beautiful part of the Earth and I shall call it Wales. I will make a country of breath-taking blue lakes, rich green forests and dark beautiful mountains which from time to time will be snow covered. I will give it clear swift rivers which will overflow the salmon and trout. The land shall be lush and fertile on which people can raise cattle and sheep and grow food as well as being rich with precious metals and stones that will be much sought after the world over. I shall lay rich seams of coal for the inhabitants to mine. Around the coast I will make some of the most beautiful areas in the world, white sandy beaches and cliffs that will attract all manner of wildlife and lots of islands that will be a paradise to all who visit them. In the waters around the shores there will be an abundance of sea life. The people who live there will be called Welsh and will be the friendliest on Earth”. “Excuse me Lord” interrupted the Archangel Gabriel “don’t you think you are being a bit generous with these Welsh?”. “Don’t talk crap” replied the Lord, “wait until you see the bloody neighbours I’m giving them!”. Dave 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted February 16, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 16, 2014 Twice as bad for England, we've got two very iffy neighbours. Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted February 16, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 16, 2014 Twice as bad for England, we've got two very iffy neighbours. So why do so many English people go on holiday to Wales and Scotland, then. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 So why do so many English people go on holiday to Wales and Scotland, then. 'cos when they get back home, they appreciate England, Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Platform 6 Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 So why do so many English people go on holiday to Wales and Scotland, then. Because safaris are frowned upon these days 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted February 16, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 16, 2014 And the Archangel Gabriel said "But Lord, won't the people be lonely with all these beautiful wide open spaces?" The Lord replied "fear not, for I have created plenty of sheep". 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Twice as bad for England, we've got two very iffy neighbours. Mike. could be even worse and live in Canada look at their neighbours Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted February 16, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 16, 2014 could be even worse and live in Canada look at their neighbours And on two sides. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 It's the same the world over; it seems to be ordained that every country's neighbours are perfectly cast as rivals/enemies, it's all part of some divine plan. Mind thee, If the Good Lord had thought a bit further on't, He'd have gerrymandered it so as Leeds were part of that other place over t'Pennines ... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 (edited) It's the same the world over; it seems to be ordained that every country's neighbours are perfectly cast as rivals/enemies, it's all part of some divine plan. Mind thee, If the Good Lord had thought a bit further on't, He'd have gerrymandered it so as Leeds were part of that other place over t'Pennines ... Tha's reet, lad - but there's sum on 'ere as'd say 'e did! Edited February 16, 2014 by shortliner Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted February 16, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 16, 2014 It's the same the world over; it seems to be ordained that every country's neighbours are perfectly cast as rivals/enemies, it's all part of some divine plan. Mind thee, If the Good Lord had thought a bit further on't, He'd have gerrymandered it so as Leeds were part of that other place over t'Pennines ... If only. Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 It's the same the world over; it seems to be ordained that every country's neighbours are perfectly cast as rivals/enemies, it's all part of some divine plan. Mind thee, If the Good Lord had thought a bit further on't, He'd have gerrymandered it so as Leeds were part of that other place over t'Pennines ... you can keep it ! Lancashire not arrogant just better Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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