PGC Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just b*ggered a 14 year old escort". The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Taz Posted February 5, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 5, 2014 I was at the swimming baths yesterday and had a sneaky pee in the deep end. The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loudly I nearly fell in..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
C&WR Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 An old letter to Viz sprang to mind: While out in my garden recently, me and my friends noticed an attractive woman sun bathing face down. Unfortunately, despite watching for several hours, she never turned over to get some sun on her thrupennies. As you might suspect, none of us saw the fanny side. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
pointstaken Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 Women driver runs over a fellow and rushes over to him. Woman - "Are you hurt?" Fellow - "Why ? Do you want to have another try ?" Dennis Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted February 5, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 5, 2014 In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just b*ggered a 14 year old escort". The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother. With no laptop and no wife, strikes me as a perfect opportunity to get some modelling done? Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coombe Barton Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 The song of Rasputin "I was born under a squandering Tsar" 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted February 6, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 6, 2014 I was at the swimming baths yesterday and had a sneaky pee in the deep end. The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loudly I nearly fell in..... You forgot to mention that you were on the diving board at the time... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonBradley Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 He didn't need to, The fact that he nearly fell in, indicates that he was not in the water at the time! It's one of those "Huh? Oh ha ha" moments. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted February 6, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 6, 2014 I was helping a friend at his warehouse the other day packing some stuff for his mail order business. The day was exceedingly busy and at the end of the day we were tidying up. There was a large roll of bubble wrap that had been left in the middle of the floor. I asked my friend what he wanted doing with it. He replied "just pop it over there in the corner" It took me six hours................... Cheers, Mick Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted February 8, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 8, 2014 He didn't need to, The fact that he nearly fell in, indicates that he was not in the water at the time! It's one of those "Huh? Oh ha ha" moments. Except that there is a difference between standing at the side & peeing and standing on the dive board & peeing. The latter would be more spectacular, but never mind! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Oh, please don't start analysing the jokes, Kevin! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted February 8, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 8, 2014 Except that there is a difference between standing at the side & peeing and standing on the dive board & peeing. The latter would be more spectacular, but never mind! When I stand on the diving board and pee there is no splashing Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sasquatch Posted February 8, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 8, 2014 Has anyone ever tried bedouin sex? It's intense! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
black5f Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 (edited) Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a Goodyear. Edited February 8, 2014 by black5f Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 (edited) Boy gets a train set for christmas and a few days later he is playing with his trainset and his mum is working in the kitchen. She hears him say, 'All you sons of bitches who are getting off, get the hell off now, and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on-get your asses on the train cause its leaving now.' Mum went into the living room and told her son, 'we don't use that kind of language in this house'. Go to your room for two hours and when you come back out, you can play with your train but you must use nicer language.' Two hours later, the boy comes out of his room and carries on playing with his trainset. The train stopped and the mum heard the boy son say, 'All passengers who are getting off the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. Thank you for travelling with us today. For those passengers boarding, we ask that you put all hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking. We hope that you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today'. 'For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.' Edited February 8, 2014 by andytrains Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted February 9, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 9, 2014 (edited) Extremely touching and thought provoking!! I found this beautiful Aussie Summer poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. It was sent to me and it's very well written; I hope you enjoy it because it's the best piece of Australian literature I've seen in quite a while ... 'An Aussie Summer ' a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre SH1T, It's HOT ! Edited February 9, 2014 by kevinlms Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Two_sugars Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Doesn't Rhyme ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted February 9, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 9, 2014 Doesn't Rhyme ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! It is an Aussie poem! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 It is an Aussie poem! Ah, you mean an oxy-moron! Jeff 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 (edited) Doesn't Rhyme ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! It is an Aussie poem! Okay- No, it still doesn't rhyme. Edited February 9, 2014 by bluebottle Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merc435 Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Spider, spider on the wall, you're not very smart at all. Don't you know that walls been plastered? Now you're stuck you silly Spider! 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
kandc_au Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 Kevin....Your right on the money there! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
C&WR Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 When I stand on the diving board and pee there is no splashing Mike. Two of my soldiers were once having a pee off a bridge. One said, "this water's cold." The other replied, after a moments' pause, "yes, and deep..." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted February 10, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 10, 2014 Doesn't Rhyme ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Obviously! Its too hot to be bothered making it rhyme. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coombe Barton Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 Yesterday my daughter-in-law again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favourite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys. I did this and when she came over yesterday I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week," I told her. She fainted. Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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