The Forum Jokes Thread

[Budgie]

 deleted as point of joke spiked by the forum`s formatting sotware. I`ll try to find another way. Sorry.

"Sotware"? Are you suggesting the forum's formatting is totally drunk? Maybe that's why you had to delete it 

[andytrains]

Another Clanger.

Road (or rather moon surface) Kill!!

[PhilJ W]

Funny ad >>

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4c2yGzukftM

[DonB]

The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddy's did.

The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers.

One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.

There was much laughter and screaming, that is apart from little Tommy.

"Please Tommy, why do you look so sad?" asked the teacher.

Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: "My Dad's a stripper in a gay bar."

The other children remained silent, as Tommy continued.

"Sometimes, he doesn't come home, and my Mummy sits crying.
Sometimes, he sells his body for other men's pleasure."

There were gasps around the classroom.
 
The teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and play.

She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulders, and asked: "Is all that true, Tommy?"

"No, not at all Miss. He really plays cricket for England, but I was too embarrassed to say."
 
 

[chris p bacon]

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
 

"What happened?" she asks anxiously.
 

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my Sally, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, and the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
 

"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Sally would never do such a thing!
There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
 

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "I told you there must be a simple explanation:

she didn't get your e-mail!"

 

[bluebottle]

When I recently went into Sainsburys I was impressed by their refers shingle honest description of Jamie Oliver's Sausages...on the side it said "Prick With A Fork". It's a shame other supermarkets can't be as frank about their own celebrity chef names

 

My enjoyment of the joke was slightly delayed while I deciphered "Sainsburys refers shingle honest description of ..."

BBC News subtitles have a lot to answer for! 

[PhilJ W]

Well we have Yorkshire tea >>

[Adams442T]

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his  cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never
thought anything like this would happen.

 

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

 

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.   The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.  Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.  One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.  

 

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her good deed.

 

She declined any payment and walked off across the field.

 

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.  "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

 

"No" said the farmer "who?"

 

*

 

*

 

*

 

"Why, that was Thora Hird"

 

 

*(A Groan might be applicable at this stage......................)

Edited January 20, 2014 by Adams442T

[steve1]

There are some horrible people about.

 

I heard a cat crying outside so I opened the door and saw four blokes in Manchester United shirts played football with it.

 

I was just about to ring the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up.

 

steve

[BoD]

Well they are playing the Black Cats tomorrow night.

[Adams442T]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge £150 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'For £150 I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und nees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und nees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I mount you in zer doggy way.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)

She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, 'That was totally amazing, what do you call that style of lovemaking?'

'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze....


Four-sprung Duck technique'

[Two_sugars]

Ya dapht burger ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

[PhilJ W]

Not quite what they seem

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIMgpUJHuBQ

[96701]

If at first you don't succeed......

......Skydiving is not for you.

[BoD]

Did you hear about the talking sheepdog?

 

One day it said to the farmer,  "I've rounded up the sheep, there's 40"

The farmer said,  "But we've only got 38"

To which the dog replied, "Like I said, I've rounded them up"

[Mike J]

This made me laugh.

Enjoy,

Mike

[kevinlms]

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

I doubt any man would get away with that logic!

[chris p bacon]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

 

His bookkeeper is deaf. This was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

 

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

 

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?

 

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?

 

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

 

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

 

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

 

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.."

 

Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

 

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

 

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

 

[chris p bacon]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his
Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he
realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief,
"This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,
"This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied,
"My bike."
 

[Ian Smeeton]

A testimony to true mateship is...

 

A man brings his best mate home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

 

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with

cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

 

 

  "Because he's thinking of getting married."

 

 

Regards

 

Ian

[peanuts]

two lady golfers decide to take advantage of ladys day at their local links

 

 they play the first hole with no problems but whilst walking between the first hole and the second tee one of the ladies stumbles and falls onto some barbed wire cutting herself .

 

 her friend quicly runs to the club house and bursts in screaming for the first aid box

 

 the club staff ask" whats wrong ?"

 

 to which she replays "my freind has fallen and cut her self " 

 

the staff ask" where" ?

 

 to which she replys " between the first and second hole " 

 

 the staff reply " lady no plaster is gonna cover that  we better call an ambulance "

[Budgie]

[shortliner]

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

 

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went

out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before

I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm,

dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such

beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there: a limousine,

uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner,

lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.

Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with

me three times !!!"

 

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go ??".

 

Edna: "No, no, no, dear... course not... I'm just saying, wear an old dress".

[shortliner]

My Career

 

 

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

 

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

 

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it --mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

 

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

 

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life - but I just didn't have the thyme.

 

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

 

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

 

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.

 

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

 

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

 

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

 

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Centre, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

 

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

 

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was the same old grind.

 

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT

 

 

AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!!!

Edited January 27, 2014 by shortliner

[Two_sugars]

You're not Tim Vine are you ? ? ? ?