pointstaken Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Another gag from the Dead Sea scrolls - To catch a seal, cut a hole in the ice, and scatter some peas round the edge. When he comes up for a pea, you kick him in the ice hole. Dennis 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 (edited) Scientists in the UK have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the front windows of aeroplanes and military jets which are traveling at maximum speed. This is to simulate the incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the front windows. American engineers heard about the gun and were keen to test it on their 'windshields' of their new high speed trains. This was arranged and when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof 'windshield' and smashed it to smithereens and embedded itself in the back wall of the cab. The horrified Americans sent us the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the British scientists for suggestions. We sent the answer, "Thaw the bloody chicken". Edited January 3, 2014 by andytrains 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonB Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Better than a Flu Shot! Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea... as he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated... of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.' Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 steve 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold chris p bacon Posted January 7, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 7, 2014 They don't take long, do they? Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube? A. A laughing stock. Q What’s the height of optimism? A: English batsman putting on sunscreen. Q. What’s the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?A. Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both. Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from. Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason. Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball. Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director? A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Talking of Clangers!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Two_sugars Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 You've got the b*lls for anything ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted January 7, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 7, 2014 Talking of Clangers!! So thats how they got their name. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold colin penfold Posted January 8, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 8, 2014 Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you." She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?" He replies, "It's me, I'm talking to the beer." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 What does a drunk walrus have in common with a lady at a Tupperware party? They're both out looking for a tight seal. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold colin penfold Posted January 10, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 10, 2014 Here are some useful Norwich words and phrases: Aaar - 60 minutes At maade me chuggle thaat did - That was funny Ah u gorn near thuh Puust Arrfuss? - Are you going near the Post Office? Aircal - Insignificant market town half-way between Naaridge and Gt.Yaarmuuth on the A47 Alrite moi Maan - How are you my fine fellow? (spoken from one man to another) Angla Sware - (Anglia Square) A masterpiece of 1960's urban architecture of unparalleled hideousness located just 'nuuth of the Maglen Street fly-ovah'. This unbelievably bleak edifice of concrete and rusting steel narrowly missed out on the prize for 'best urban regeneration project' by 137 places. One day in the future it will fall down but unfortunately many of us will not be around to witness that happy event! Ar yer orrite, booy - Good Morning Ar yer orrite, booy - Good Afternoon Ar yer orrite, booy - Good Evening Ass a rum ol' jarb un't it booy? - It's a strange situation Ass roight hent ut? - 'I believe that to be correct.' A statement posed as a question; a conversational technique employed over wide ranging areas of Eest Angular sic Assa bit black ova Will's medder, hent et? - Take a look at those threatening black clouds. I think it might rain. Assa jook - I’m just kidding Awld Yares Noight - New Year's Eve B an Coo - Hardware store, see also Hum Base Bare - Sold by the pint in Shee-car-goo’s (and other licensed establishments) Bisha Barnabee - A Ladybird Blar - Cry Blast Bor, yowl git a ding-a-tha-lug - I’m going to hit you now Boats - National chemist chain (Boots) - see also Fowtahs Bonds - the John Lewis department store - see Curls Boost - To brag about one's achievements Boots - Vessels used on river and sea e.g. at Loose-tarfed (Not to be confused with 'Boots the Chemists') Booy - boy/man Bulcunee - A bit that jut outer upstairs so yer can goo outside. Buth arnhem - Both of them Carbit? - "Can I have a piece of that please?" Card - Traditionally eaten with chips, might well have been caught off Loose-tarfed Carfey - Hot beverage Carra Rud - a place where Naaridge people go to watch their football team beat Ipswich. Another place like this is Portman Road where Suffolk people go to watch their football team being beaten by Narridge Ci'ee. Chairs - term used when raising a glass of beer, wine etc. in the company of friends Chimley - chimney Chow - Goodbye - (Rhymes with 'low') Ci'ee - as in Naaridge ci'ee - a place for shopping Con-cue-lata - Item recently employed in place of an abacus - Once seen used in a Norwich shop to calculate the change to be given from £1 for a 99 pence purchase - honestly! Cooin - queueing Cook - Fizzy beverage originating from the Yew nigh ed staretes of Uhmericar Compoota - computer (used only in the subjunctive sense -- i.e. "if oy ad a compoota" -- since this technology has yet to be introduced to Norfolk). (See also - 'Pootah') Cossey Costessey (Which is actually pronounced, well um, Cossey) Cruummer - Nuuth Narfak seaside town of Cromer Cumbine aarvista - an agricultural vehicle Cuntry -- Country; countryside Curls - a department store in Naaridge ci'ee long since renamed Debnums (but news travels slowly in Naaridge!) Dare-um - (East) Dereham Dawg – dog Dew u lissen hair - Now you listen to me Dikalus - Not quite right Dicky pron. Dicka - a donkey - See 'Ha'yer.....' below Dodman - Snail Doo whaat? - I beg your pardon. Doo yah want sum chaaaklet? - Would you like some Chocolate? DURRR (Often accompanied by boggling eyes and deformed mouth shapes) - Isn't the aforementioned obvious? Dunt - Doesn't Eletra-con-cuted - When one receives 230v from a power socket Ee's a rummun hint e? - He is a strange fellow, is he not? (also Ees a roight rong un) Fare ta middlin - I’m doing quite well actually Fillum- Norwich/Norfolk people used to watch these at a cinema. Latterly they are inclined to frequent a 'vidya' shop and sit at home with a 'tek'way' Free - as in 1, 2, 3 Fowtahs - Get these developed at Boots (the chemist! - not Loose-tarfed vessels) See 'Boats' Fool - Petrol or Diesel - Not to be confused with 'fule' a slight silly person Fooze - Electrical component on sale at Hum Base and B an Coo Furriners - People who come from anywhere South of Thetford or West of Dare-um Fuun - telephone Gatoo - Sticky chocolate cake Getoninoutonit - Do come in, its beginning to rain Goo yew stedda booy - Please drive with care Gretole - rather large Goo tah hek bor - How surprising my man Gunna - going to Hah ya far gorra dicka, booy? - Does your father own a donkey? Hah ya gittin arn tagether? - Hello Hah ya gorra bead on?- Are you sweating? Hah ya got a loight, bor? - Could you please lend me some sort of cigarette ignition device, kind sir? Hairo - Hero Hairset - Hethersett - A small town Suuth uh Naaridge Haresay - Hearsay Harnser - a heron Haysbra - Happisburgh - Strangely, the correct pronunciation is...'Haysbra' Heesay – He said Hent - Haven't / hasn't Heyya? - Have you really? Hoo-har - a fuss or commotion Hoom - the place where you live. Occasionally also pronounced as Hum. Hooma - Comedy Hoomid - As in "Thas hoomid taday" - A meteorological phenomenon more usually known as high humidity Hoss – horse How ya doin' booy? - How are you? How yer gettin arn booy? - Norfolk greeting Hum Base - DIY store, See: B an Coo Hunstan - Hunstanton – Nuuth-warest Narfak coostal village Husband/Wife - Normally a cousin I/yoo/ee/shee gooo - I/you/he/she goes to (or 'went to') I/yoo/ee/shee see - I/you/he/she saw (N.B. In 1943, teaching of the past tense was abolished in all Norfolk schools.) In it? - Is it not? Iss at roight? - Is that so! (Comment to show that attention is being paid to the speaker) Jargon - Like running, but at a more leisurely pace Khaazi - Suburb on the western edge of Naaridge. Though spelt Costessey, the correct pronunciation is...'Khaazi' Kanelp? - Another 'high-speed' contraction of speech - 'May I be of assistance?', derived from "Can I help?" Koo - Any of the bovine-family of animals (Not to be confused with 'coo' - a line of people 'cooin') KooDee - Discount shop at the top of St.Stephens Street and in Angla Sware Loight arse - Lighthouse Loose tarfed - East coast fishing port and most easterly point of the Yoo-Kay Lully ole jarb - Lovely old job = Excellent Mardle - General chit-chat, much favoured by older members of the community, about 'suffin' qv. and 'nuffin' qv. Mawkin - something that stands in a field to scare birds. Mawther - girl/woman (Thas a roight) Mucking fuddle - It is a complete mess Munnah - Coins of the Realm Muutah - automobile Naarfak dumplin - A vaguely nasty, sinking, dumpling/a person from outside the city wall with questionable parentage and too many fingers Naarth Warshum - North Walsham Naaridge Yoonyun - Sometime major Naarfak, but now northern India, employer Neet-said - the village of Neatishead 'nuuth ah Naaridge' NFN - Narmal fu Naaridge/Narfuk Noo idare - no idea/ don't know Nuffin - Nothing - Generally employed along with 'Suffin' as in 'Suffin an' Nuffin' suggesting that other wonderful Norwich phrase 'A luud of ol' tosh' Nuuth - one of the points of the compass Oi gaat rongg - I'm in trouble/I was told-off Oi hatta larf - It was extremely funny Oim goo un up tha ci'ee ta doo a bih a shaarpen - I am heading into Naarridge for a bit of retail therapy Oim jus gorn oop the ruud - I am just going up the road On - Of (as in "I loike tha look a that cairke, can I haf a piece on ut?") Oodiun, Angla Sware - Where the people of Norwich used to watch "fillums" Oover air / oover ere - 'I'm over here' Pootah - Computer. Roight - Right (As in: Correct) Sartanoon - referring to the period of time between mid-day and evening Scoowiff - Not straight Sharpen - Purchasing things, often from KooDee Sheranum - Seaside town (Sheringham) a few miles to the west of Cruummer Shee-car-goos - Nightspot on Prince of Wales Road, Norwich Shink - Should think Shoont - Shouldn't Sproight - Fizzy lemon drink Sprusten - Sprowston Stare-shun - Where trains arrive and depart as in 'Thorpe station' Stoop ud - Term applied to very silly people Suffin - Something - Generally employed along with 'Nuffin' as in 'Suffin an' Nuffin' suggesting that other wonderful Norwich phrase 'A luud of ol' tosh' Swaaafum - Swaffham Thaangkyer - Spoken at high speed, used by Norfolk shop assistants when accepting money Thas a bit on the huh - That's a bit wonky/uneven Thas a rummun - Not quite up to scratch Tha amooze me tha did - It made me laugh The P.O.W. - The 'Chav' abbreviation for Prince of Wales 'Ruud' or otherwise that area of Naaridge that the loocal constabury (Constabulary) frequent on Froyday an' Sat'day noights. The social - Despite many name-changes and iterations (as with Curls q.v.) 'Jobcentre Plus' is still known as 'the social' in Naaridge Traaacta - a farming vehicle and vehicle of high prestige within the 'Ci'ee Wulls' Tripe writer - type-writer....occasionally replaced by a ZX81 or Spectrum pootah (Or for the really well-off by an Amstrad PCW). Troos - Suburb on the South-side of Naaridge and where Naaridge Ci'ee once refined their footballing skills. U dunt hatter do ut! - You haven't got to do it. Uh day - to day Varmunt - A naughty person, generally young. e.g. 'Gerron outta hair you young varmunt' Waarnt u a bed? - Is it not past your bedtime? Wah e say – What did he say? Well i coatasee – Goodness me Where u gorn? - Where are you going? Windum - Small town south of Naaridge (Sensible abbreviation of it’s proper name : Why-mond-ham (as spoken by furriners) Woont - Wouldn't Wossamaa'er/Wossrong/Wossup Is there a problem? Wotchamacaulut/Hooge-a-maflip – Thingumajig Wot choo mardlin' on 'bout? - What are you talking about? Wot choo up ter uh day - What are you doing today? Wotcha! – Hello! Yow siller owld fule - Comment made to someone displaying “backward” tendencies Yuull git rongg! - You will get into trouble/told-off! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold mcowgill Posted January 10, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 10, 2014 Would 'a bin useful before I spent 4 years studying in Naaridge with a Bradford accent. 30 years later I'm almost fully integrated into Eest Angular and have kids who can speak the lingo proper loike 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 steve Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) Here are some useful Norwich words and phrases: We all could talk Norfolk back in the sixties when the Singing Postman was in the charts! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtS61PESUWY Edited January 10, 2014 by bluebottle 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 my mate was asking why i had my crazy ex wife in my phone as West Ham ? i replied well they both kick off every fifteen minuets ! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium skipepsi Posted January 10, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 10, 2014 my mate was asking why i had my crazy ex wife in my phone as West Ham ? i replied well they both kick off every fifteen minuets ! You were lucky she isnt my ex and kicks off every 5 minutes....... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 below is a list of ways to win an argument with a woman . 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 David Moyes is sitting in a bar with Mourinho, Wenger and Rodgers Moyes steps up to the bar and buys a round of drinks for everyone Then it's Jose's turn who does likewise, followed by Arsene. When Brendan returns from the bar he brings a drink for himself and the managers of Chelsea and Arsenal but not David Moyes "Hey! Where's mine?" asks David. "Sorry David" replies Brendan, "It's the fourth round and you're not in it..." steve Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOARD OF TRADE Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 I was sitting at home yesterday when I heard a commotion outside in the road.When I looked out I saw half a dozen men in Man Utd shirts playing football with a cat.I was just about to phone the R.S.P.C.A. when the cat went 1-0 up. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonny777 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Quentin Tarantino a WR hydraulic fan exclusive:- Quote: "I had so much fun doing Django, and I love westerns so much, that after I taught myself how to make one, it's like, "OK, now let me make another one now that I know what I'm doing." I'll get me coat..... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
marc smith Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 As a newlywed, I probably shouldn't be posting this rather funny joke I heard recentlybut here goes......Marriage is like a pack of cards....It starts with two hearts and a diamond... but after a few yearsyou wish for a club and a spadePS. Don't tell Mrs S Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danemouth Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 (edited) As a newlywed, I probably shouldn't be posting this rather funny joke I heard recently but here goes...... Marriage is like a pack of cards.... It starts with two hearts and a diamond ... but after a few years you wish for a club and a spade PS. Don't tell Mrs S Marc, My favourite is: "Marriage is a three ring circus - engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering"! I worked with a bloke whose motto that was, Regards, Dave Edited January 13, 2014 by Danemouth Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
black5f Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 (edited) Went to a party, in the corner was the fatest, most alcoholic transvestite.But he looked so content, not giving a fig about what people thought?I struck up a conversation and asked what was his secret?He said, "My secret ... eat, drink and be Mary". Lady goes to the doctor."Doctor I've got this terrible problem"."Let me see" says the Doctor.She lifts up her skirt and there's the end of a lettuce leaf sticking out of her pants."I can't see that's a problem" says the Doctor.She replies, "Oh, that's just the tip of the iceberg". Man goes to Doctor. "I've got a problem" he says."Let me see" says the Doctor.He drops everything and there's a steering well on his old fella."Gosh" says the Doctor, "that looks bad".The man replies, "Oh, you don't know half of it, it's driving me nuts". Edited January 13, 2014 by black5f Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 A BIT NEAR THE KNUCKLE I KNOW BUT HERE GOES A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow." 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted January 13, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 13, 2014 http://www.wimp.com/phobiasworkshop/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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